Macrome the Gremlin - LutiChris - 05-22-2009
Ok, here is my first story Enjoy
[spoilerROLOGUE]
There have been many weird acts in LF2 World. One that caused the trouble and one who will help bring peace back to the LF World.
The story starts out with a squeamish and frightened Dennis who is carried to the Dungeon because of some unknown suspicions regarding him and his opponent Template. Dennis is put into a cell with Scamp who based on Dennis’s memory looks just like the character Bat who was mysteriously missing at the time. You will soon find out the rest of the characters haunted by a little creature named Macrome – who you won’t hear yet in the story till much later on.
Dennis
-is viewed as a scared agile fighter with lots of past fears and frequent nightmares
Scamp (BAT)
-is really Bat disfigured by an unknown past while remembering nothing. He has no intention of leaving his cell while his recent cell mate is trying the best of his intentions to leave the dreadful place.
Totum
-So far nothing is known about this sorcerer, he is working for Julian (advisor)
(Don’t worry, I will update this Prologue as soon as I get this story down straight in my head)
[/spoiler]
Once upon a time, the World was just as it should be. Little Fighters have campaigned a duel and Players having a good time watching them fight. The time had come between Dennis and his Extraordinary opponent. The crowd booed Dennis for it was the 18th time he had lost to the easiest player in LFE. Template has emerged drinking a soft drink which he had stocked up with enough exp. points, thanks to poor Dennis.
"What is wrong with me, everyone else has had the chance to beat template but why me?" thought Dennis. "Woody trips me, Davis punches me for my idioticy, and Deep laughs on how ridiculous i kick..."
"Hey, Dennis!" shouted Stinky, "I see your own balls running away from you! Thats how much you suck, ha..."
"It's not my fault i'm losing so badly, it's template! something's wrong here..." cried Dennis.
"The only thing wrong is that you suck..." backfired Stinky.
Everyone laughed and threw beer bottles at Dennis.
Julian was un-amused by this and had stoped the drome match.
At his own loss Dennis felt so ashamed of not beating Template.
After everyone left Julian came up to him and brought him to his palace. He ordered his adviser, Totum, to check what was wrong with him. Julian paced about his thrown.
"Normally, this doesn't happen. Especially with template..." he inquierd quietly to Totum. "Keep him here in the dungeon and find out whats wrong with him. I have a feeling about something..."
"Yes Master, Dennis will be in good hands with me. You don't have to worry." implored Totum.
Dennis was brought deep in the dungeon. He lingered about still following Totum. The Deeper they went the colder and darker it seemed to get. As though there wasn't much time to spare, Totum pulled out his keys to open room 386.
"Please wait in here, i have much work to do."
"What am i to do here?"
"Scamp the Bat that lives here will need to be fed, find something to feed him before he feeds on you." and with that he locked the door.
Something didn't seem right to Dennis at all. Why would Totum send him this deep into the dungeon, and was there really anything wrong with him?
"Augh*?!" yellped Dennis. He saw the gruesome wing of Scamp and his tail with Red Glarring eyes. He could see the white saliva excreting from his mouth with a some-what grin on it's face. It sprung out!
Dennis closed his eyes and Screamed with all his life. He heard a crunch. "Oh! No! He bit me! He bit meeeeee!..." he fainted. The Bat feasted on a fly that just so happened to be on his leg...
Dennis was so frightened that he was unconscious. And in that state of mind he was dreaming dreaming the most terrible dream he had ever had...
(To be Continued...)
His thoughts were jumbled as he was falling f a l l i n g...
He opened his eyes to see that bats and rats were biting and nibbling his clothes. He kicked them off letting them fall down this never ending cycle. It was rather scary but exhilarating. His heart was racing and his body was soaring. All ends of possibilities seeped throughout his mind as if it had a mind of it’s own. He could finally feel the clouds in the sky and in the mist of it all he was too delusional to see what was coming next. He body became tense and numb, his face turned purple and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. His heart rate was so intense it could explode. He landed. He stretched out his lower back cracking numerous bones as though it was nothing at all. He got up crouching over his legs, bent his neck and peered into what was his fall. He then heard the rumbling sounds behind him. He rolled around exhaustingly and fixed his weary vision. It was outrageous Julian was fixated on him and was about twenty stories high. Both of them stared and glared at one another. His presence was so overwhelming it was like being chained to a mountain knowing it was going to explode. The first move – he RAN.
There was just no way, no freaking way he was going to outrun this giant, thought Dennis. And as soon as he was quick he was never the less right.
“sh*t!” Dennis was suddenly airborne high in the sky just like when he falling f a l l i n g… - oh no, it was happening again. There he landed on top of a sturdy mountain skinned deep as he tumbled down it. The fall had ended. The side of his mouth trickled slowly down his lip. Julian stood exactly where he was – how much more was he going to take? He looked up into the sky as though this would help him get back home, (where ever home was?). Wait – what is that, he thought gazing onto that small speck in the sky. There was another and another. Soon he realized - he got up weakly and unsteadily toward safety, (where ever that was?).
“Augh!” he was too dazzled and weak to move and fell back down to his knee’s. You could easily see the fear in Dennis’s eyes. The sky was swarming full of THEM. Arrows and Spears thousands of them. It hit him. Every single one seemed to pierce his fragile body. This was so unreal yet he could feel the pain. It blurred out…
(To be Continued...)
His vision came back and his body conscience. Unaware that he had been drooling and had been shaken and swayed about by a person he some how might have recognized…
“Bat?” still marveled by his nightmare.
“What happened to you? You look…” couldn’t find the right word, “…different.” Dennis bleakly whispered. Bat had been missing for over a year from now. None of the little fighters knew about what had happened with Bat and none of them were friends with the oddly strange character. Bat could see that Dennis was shivering and scared. Dennis felt like another intrusion in his body was going to make him faint.
“I…I…” he stuttered, “I don’t remember…”. “All I know is that I had been here ever since I could remember.” Bat swung about staring straight at Dennis at the thought of the question. Silence was brought around for a few seconds. You can only hear the faintest sounds of dripping water.
“We have to get out of here.” Dennis implied. Dennis was waiting for a reply but Bat was just staring at him. “ummm…? Have you ever escaped from here?” Bat shook his head. “Did you even try?” Bat ignored the question and sprung high into the air and scratched the ceiling weakly and dropped down. “Fine! Be that way,” Dennis blurted out, “I’ll do it myself…”. And with that Dennis clasped his hands, rubbed them together and his hands glowed a bright blue. Bat watched in interest. Both his hands ignited with blue fire. And hit his hands against the steel bars. Nothing happened. Dennis Groaned. He hit the bars a few more times (Still nothing). Bat sprang up annoyed by the dreary sounds the impacts made. A whole five minutes of waste. The glow stopped and Dennis fell on his knees, staring at his hands which were scorched a bit with bruises.
Even though Dennis was turned away from him, Bat could sense his tear trickle down his cheek. “It’s no use!” he said. “I only used this move once at John’s” he recklessly kicked the wall a couple of times to let his anger rush out. The impact he made the upper-part of the ceiling collapse. Bat dove onto Dennis for safety. After the rumbling stopped both of them stared at the ceiling in amazement and awe.
“Wohoo!!!” Dennis jumped in the sky for joy then hugging Bat for no good reason. Dennis climbed on top of the rubble and tried as quickly as his weak legs could get him up. Bat’s face did not change at the sight of freedom. Dennis couldn’t believe his reaction so calm and content with himself. He climbed the last portion of rock and cement and peered over what would have been the floor. He got up clumsily in place. There was an utter silence. Bat flew up behind him. They were trapped in another cell!
Bat gave out a blunt chuckle while Dennis moaned and groaned on the floor. Bat crossed his harry arms. And sat down looking upon the tired Dennis.
(To be Continued...)
Sorry, I need to edit this soon (expect every chapter every other day, hopefully)
(To be Continued...)
RE: Macrome the Gremlin - The Lost Global Mod - 05-22-2009
first of all welcome in the world of stories where you can let your creativity explode
now let me comment your story in detail
things you should improve- Grammar.. (here and there are few mistakes f.e "Shouted" shouldn't be with captial letters)
- text length (atm it is okay.. but for an really good and thrilling story.. you have to write more ; ) )
- Prologue is missing ( it isn't essential. still would be good if you add one, though)
things that i like- julian isn't shown as an bad guy..
- its an story about lf2 but somehow has an higher meaning .. not only fighting ( i hope it continues this way)
summary
All in all a good, first attempt but you still have alot room for improvment.
Try to improve, take notes(what the story is about, keywords), search for some "beta" tester for your story
generally follow this advices and your story will ways better.
Cool guy Wrote:Some hints for rising writers:
* Write down what your story is about, you don't have to be excact just some keywords ( you don't will get lost)
* Write your story in an text programm like word or similar
* Before posting, check your spelling, nothing is more embarrasing than a stupid mistake Smile2
* Take comments serious, even if they hurt you sometimes , they will help you improve
* No master has fallen from the heaven.. not even in case of writing. its practice (you will get alot better if you write alot)
RE: Macrome the Gremlin - prince_freeza - 05-22-2009
nice story explains the reality of the lf2 chars....needs a better intro.
RE: Macrome the Gremlin - LutiChris - 05-23-2009
@just_a_phil
thanks, i will work on it
also Julian is not the bad guy, i will show it later in the story...
For a Prologue...? ummm - at the moment i'm kinda making this up as i go along
@prince_freeza
By the way this was like totally random on the top of my head, i just wanted to do this for fun!
I will edit intro later in school (when i have the time)
RE: Macrome the Gremlin - Elias - 05-23-2009
This is good, not awesome but much better what I made up.
You should make more stories like that and if you want some help just call, e-mail, or come to my house okay.
Also I don't care who is the bad guy because loots of time I like the bad guy like Joker, and Itachi.
RE: Macrome the Gremlin - LutiChris - 05-27-2009
(05-23-2009, 02:14 AM)Eliast Wrote: This is good, not awesome but much better what I made up.
You should make more stories like that and if you want some help just call, e-mail, or come to my house okay.
Also I don't care who is the bad guy because loots of time I like the bad guy like Joker, and Itachi.
@ Eliast
To be honest your not that good at Stories Eliast, but i will email you on idea's, ok?
@Everyone
Right now i'm on a string
I want to work on LutiChris char and work on this Story...
I don't really know what to do so everyone pm me on what to do next for each chapter...
If not then each chapter might take longer...
RE: Macrome the Gremlin - Ascor - 05-27-2009
i'm like this too
i need to work on a bg
my story
kenzo
and school
this is hard
RE: Macrome the Gremlin - LutiChris - 05-29-2009
(05-27-2009, 04:11 PM)Lf2-hacker Wrote: i'm like this too
i need to work on a bg
my story
kenzo
and school
this is hard
WHat?
all you said is that you like it?
ummm so why did you mention your personal other stuff
(that has like - absolutely nothing to do with this, lolz?)
RE: Macrome the Gremlin - Reaper - 05-29-2009
Guess LF2-hacker is kinda answering to this:
Quote:I want to work on LutiChris char and work on this Story...
Anyway, I quite like your story, its interesting to read because you have no idea how it will go on. On the other hand that makes it hard to give you ideas for how its going on as I think you probably have a general idea of why it is happening, what Julian wants, what Macrome does...
And I also like things like this in a story:
Quote:“sh*t!” Dennis was suddenly airborne high in the sky just like when he falling f a l l i n g… - oh no, it was happening again.
There are some minor mistakes, especially with... how are they called? Don't even know the german name... conjunctors?
what I mean is things like:
Quote:And as soon as he was quick he was never the less right.
That means: When he became quick, he was right. But you probably mean "although". He was quick, but that didn't help him to escape. Oh, and its nevertheless.
Well, that isn't that important, if you only make some minor mistakes( which is the case) we normally won't have a problem to follow.
Like just_a_phil said, chapters are a bit too short, but as some people might not want to read extra long chapters I guess its ok.
So keep on working and improving. Its a good start up to now.
RE: Macrome the Gremlin - LutiChris - 05-29-2009
Thanks, I think i might have reworded some stuff wrong (as well as what i'm saying as well, lolz)
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