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Elias' Stories - Elias - 12-19-2009

So I'm back with writting
Story **EDIT** (Click to View)
My new Story (Click to View)



RE: Elias's Story (doesn't has a name yet ) - Reaper - 12-21-2009

Lol, I just wanted to write that you could make it a bit longer when I read:
Quote:and I know its really long.
Well, I think its rather too short. I mean, you had at least two days( for both, so its like 4 days in a one-maincharacter-story). And, as the prologue/summary says, they came from another world. Nevertheless we neither get to know anything about that world nor they are really wondering about it. You have written just one sentence about their astonishment: ""where in the world am I and who was I?" In my eyes thats not enough. But I think I told it to you already.
Whats bugging me most about your story is that one event follows the next one. fire-->food-->light-->sleep-->food-->buildings. I think the problem is that you are using "after" so often which makes your story sound like a series of events.
Stylistically the biggest problem is that you repeat words too often. Though I haven't counted the "and"s and "but"s, "it's over 9000!" would nearly fit here.( See, if I use though, I don't have to say: I haven't counted..., but). There are some other examples, like "energy". There is a comma before but by the way.
Nevertheless, the story has some kind of potential.( somehow nearly every writer in this forum has good ideas, just writing them down seems a bit more difficult. For me its the other way round :D) But don't forget not to make something overpowered like Manji killing a legion of demons. That makes a story implausible.

Why am I commenting every story btw?
Because you're TEH comment0r! ~ Blue Phoenix


RE: Elias's Story (doesn't has a name yet ) - Elias - 12-22-2009

Well thanks for commenting Reaper but I was planing to deleted this thread and just have a spoiler with the story and I'm editing the story a lot and instead of writing like from some ones point of view I'm going to write it in the main char point of view, also my summary is changing too.


RE: Elias's Story (doesn't has a name yet ) - LutiChris - 12-25-2009

it's a bit confusing to me...i would like to hear more...


RE: Elias's Story (doesn't has a name yet ) - Elias - 12-26-2009

Well the top isn't going to be my story kinda messed up a little.
The Real Story (Click to View)
I hope you like this part better also Kay can you tell me what is confusing.

EDIT: Can some one suggest a title.


RE: Elias's Story (doesn't has a name yet ) - Elias - 02-27-2010

Okay I have got lots of changes in here and I know only nobody will read this but oh well.

The Story (Click to View)



RE: Elias's Story (doesn't has a name yet ) - Reaper - 02-27-2010

Quote:and I know only nobody will read this but oh well.
Don't bet on it.
(02-27-2010, 03:19 AM)Elias Wrote:  A boy comes from another world into an unknown realm to him. He forgets everything about him, who he is, where he is from, who is his family, who are his friends.
...
Your head hurts some much if you drank 10 barrels of bear mixed with vodka, that I never tried before but have sean some man have a good party with beard and vodka and feal so horrible in the morning.Also you have no idea what your name is and have no clue of your past.
Uhm... Did I get that right? He forgot who he is but still knows how it feels like to be drunk? Probably thats one of the things that are really memorable :D I for myself find my family and friends a lot more memorable.
Quote:I sat up and looked around me and it looked like a forest with lots of trees and mostly what any normal forest would have accept a fox mixed wolf like creature near me and smelling air for a pray I think.
It would really be great if you could less "and". Additionally the structure is sometimes a bit confusing.
Quote:"Who's there!?”
'Probably my imagination, well there no reason to stay here better start going.' I started to walk to outside of the forest but it was so big.
As far as I got it, the boy says both those sentences. Well, then there should at least be a sentence between saying that there was no one answering.
Quote:
So then the boy walked towards the path that lead where he didn't knew where it lead.
Is the perspective change intended? And has it a special use?
Quote: The warrior charged at the boy. The lad dodged simple by turning 90 degrees.
...
It worked but the warrior got up really fast and bodied slamed the lad.
Try using the "warrior and lad less often. Mixing it with the boy, his enemy, etc. would be better here.
Quote:The man's face was in shock while the boy's looked calm.
What did you say in the beginning? He kinda knows how to fight but not that much?
Quote:“You might not die if the blackness will save you, so I guess you will d-”
That just sounds a little weird. Maybe add something in between like "but thats highly unlikely".
Quote:'Wow, the is hard to believe. He was saved. I guess I'll need to thank him for killing Proeliator of Nex, he was getting on my nerves and he did got the enemy weaker.
I begin to wonder how cool the people in there are :D
Anyway, its already a lot better than your first try, especially in terms of length. The end of this parts left some questions open so there is a reason to read on. There were quite some Grammar and spelling errors, and the structure made it a bit hard to read, but it still was within the limits.
On the other hand however the people weren't really acting like normal people would do, for example that man in the end and also the boy.
And similar to the last time: The boy forgot everything. How do we have to imagine that? Obviously he still knows how to talk(:D), somehow also how it feels like to be drunk and a party with a lot of alcohol but not where he came from( contradiction?).
You know, I can't imagine how it is like if you know absolutely nothing about your past. Can you? Because you need to if you write about it. I mean, not knowing where you are, ok, then it would fit pretty good, but not knowing about who is your family?
Still, a lot of improvement, hope you go on that way.


RE: Elias's Story (doesn't has a name yet ) - Elias - 02-28-2010

Well thanks Reaper for reading this.
Well I'll try to answer some questions.
When some thing is in these things '(text)' that means thinking, when the text in these things "(text)" than its some one saying, just that no one get confused.
Then did you see Bourne Ultimatum, the main char forgets everything about him self but he knows how to speak like 5 languages, how to use a gun, how to kill a person, and etc, that is where I got the idea.
Than in the end well before the boy falls, you know there are two characters well both of them are same age just one or two years difference.
Also I'll try to make the changes but latter okay right now I'll just write more.

Man Reaper it feels like you got a curse to read almost every story in the forum.


RE: Elias's Story (doesn't has a name yet ) - Lord Anu - 03-02-2010

Seems that you like the stories in which characters are changing worlds... Looks nice to me, so keep going.

Gosh, it's good to be back...


RE: Elias's Story (doesn't has a name yet ) - Elias - 03-22-2010

Okay so I have wrote some more.