Unnamed Story - Ascor - 09-11-2010
There was hardly any light in the streets, for two reasons. First the moon didn't shine and second the houses were so tall their shadows covered the whole street.
It rained and everything was full of mud.
No one was on the street.
No one expect two person.
The first had rich and colorful clothes. They were all wet but they did their job to inform everyone that he had a high rank. He was the supreme judge and he was on his way home. It was a hard day and he had no energy left to do much. Read a book or write a letter. That were his plans, if he wouldn't get interrupted by someone.
Someone is our person number two.
The judge didn't know but he changed his life fundamental.
So fundamental our person number two wanted revenge.
Bloody revenge.
He pulled his hood down into his face. No one shall hear him, no one shall see him.
He didn't touch the steel but he somehow feeled the surface of the cold wet knife. It was so sharp, he had to watch out or it would cut right trough his sleeve. The knife was old but not rusty.
He waited for so long. So long he almost couldn't hold himself back.
Silently he moved closer to the judge, who started to walk faster.
“Damn that rain. It lasts for 2 days from now.”
The man synchronized his steps with the noise of the judges footsteps.
He checked out the location. Not that he had not done that before. He got every detail in mind.
Observe and prepare.
He got 3 different endings for this. 6 ways to flee and 7 different ways to escape if he got caught.
Plan every aspect.
The perfect way to kill him, would be cutting trough his throat. He would have no chance of shouting then. The man pulled out the knife. He moved it closer to the judges throat.
Did he hear him?
Be stealthy. Strike from the shadows.
He stopped for a second.
Just in the moment he was about to strike, the judge turned around.
“What are yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...”
The knife drilled into the judges shoulder.
The man had failed.
He twisted the knife 90° so the judge couldn't take it out without doing more damage.
“Guards! Someone help me!”
The wound was not deadly.
The man walked into the shadows of a small alley.
There was a small gully hole. Just about the size to fit a slender man.
His clothes were all wet as he climbed down the ladder.
He didn't think.
Just get out of the town. That's everything what matters now.
RE: Unnamed Story - Taniaetc - 09-12-2010
It's pretty good (since you don't use improper capitalisation anymore)
You should add more punctuation and grammar fixes, so the story could seem... longer?
RE: Unnamed Story - Reaper - 09-12-2010
You really got an unique writing style. I liked the beginning very much, sentences like "Someone is our person number two." just make me smile every time.
The part describing how he waits for the judge, how he goes through the whole plan again, how he repeats the basic points was also well-written. However, the end could need a few little tweaks. Right now, it's a bit plain. If you write
Quote:Just get out of the town. That's everything what matters now.
, it has to be resembled by the rest of the text. The man would either be hectic or determined, but fast. But he wouldn't be walking. A few more desriptions might be helpful as well. Maybe there should be footsteps or shouts of the guards be heard? That would also explain why he didn't strike again. Just a suggestion though, maybe you have some other ideas.
All in all it's a good beginning nonetheless. It could be longer, but it is interesting and keeps you hooked.
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