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unnamed prologue
#1
Eh i had this random idea and decided to write it down.
tried my best to write it but i don't know if i did a good enough job =\
comments and critiques would most certainly be helpful

prologue needs a name... (Click to View)
~its been a long time coming~
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#2
Not bad, I s'pose. Things to point out-
'reflecting ruby red irises'- What the heck?
'Fear and shock hit the cathedral'-Not possible. Cathedrals don't have feelings lah.
'La clarierra. Morra diece monia?'-Oi. Keep to English. I read Angels and Demons and the Da Vinci Code, it was annoying with all the foreign language.
'She was a young woman, who looked almost as old as the young man'-Er.....

Tip: PROOFREAD YOUR STUFF FIRST!! e.g
'stare melancholically'
'Their body was thin'
'one who was still very young and bright, and had yet to see many years ahead of them'
'There was a loud Crash'

All in all, nice story. But description is a bit weird sometimes.
Stories- Wrath of MH-Razen and Clash of the Empires
Warning! Super epicness! (Click to View)
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#3
LOL
yeah i'll come back and fix it tommorow

EDIT: btw, the foreign language is fake -_-
i made it up to add extra intrigue to the story
~its been a long time coming~
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#4
Ergh....I think that you should upload seperate versions of your story, so critics can compare. No one can remember what you wrote before, unless there was a really short time gap.
Anyway, it looks as if you've fiddled with your story a bit, because I can spot more mistakes XD. Or is it just me? I dunno.
a) You haven't fixed the thingies I mentioned in previous post.

Mistakos-
"watching the mourners beginning to move in anticipation." - Sounds like the mourners are anticipating, not Jhin.
"balancing perfectly on the beam was on" - Blah. In fact, I'll ignore typos and grammar for the sake of keeping this short.
"“shh” shushed Clark" - Not neccessary, is it?
"ignoring Jhin completely" - If he's ignoring him then he wouldn't be saying anything.
Blah. End of review.
Stories- Wrath of MH-Razen and Clash of the Empires
Warning! Super epicness! (Click to View)
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#5
I ain't gonna talk about those little mistakes as I think oliveryungo named most of them (although I don't see some of them as mistakes. "loud Crash" for example is a pleonasm^^) except maybe for "tall cathedral". A cathedral might be huge, but only living beings are tall.
Despite some slightly weird description, the overall descriptions are very nice.You know, I always put a lot of emphasis on imaginability. And I can imagine the event pretty well.
What you could do is increasing the length of the last paragraph a bit. There isn't much happening in the beginning and you want to leave the reader in the dark about those black-clothed people, so the length there is ok. In the last paragraph, however, the events follow in quick succession. On the other hand, the brevity gives a good impression of getting him back and loosing him that fast. Your decision.
All in all a nice story. A very nice one if you fix the little mistakes. But there is a big thing that needs a change: This isn't a story. This is a prologue. And it needs moar chapters!!! :p
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#6
im not grave digging cos its my own thread. i know its been a while since ive been active due to being busy in real life
but ive recently thrown this idea onto the computer and thought i might as well post it otherwise it will just get dusty and forgotten.

this little section is coming from a different point of view but happening at the same time as the piece of writing in my first post
i hope you enjoy what little i could share :p
btw, there might be some inconsistency between the two sections but i don't really care about it =P
~its been a long time coming~
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#7
Me likes. A very nice choice of words and some nice figures of speech that help us to get into the story. It also is good to have a bit of an unusual perspective which befits the bizarre situation of waking up in a coffin quite well. (a situation out of which you might have been able to make even more, though. Give us the chance to play with it in our minds. A man finding himself in a coffin in a cathedral with lots of black-dressed people around him. The whole scene, the faces...)
There is not much happening here, but then again that is fine for the beginning of a story.
I still demand a continuation. Now you only made me more curious about the backstory. Don't let me rush you, though.
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