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07-06-2010, 01:14 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-23-2011, 12:00 PM by dubbleD.)
Eh i had this random idea and decided to write it down.
tried my best to write it but i don't know if i did a good enough job =\
comments and critiques would most certainly be helpful
It was a cloudy, wet morning at the old, tall, grey, Saint Leonards cathedral. The mourners gathered around the open coffin of a handsome young man that was placed at the front of the cathedral altars. To the mourners, it was not only a tragic thing that a loved one has passed away, but to see one who was still very young and bright, and had yet to see many years ahead of them. Of the thirteen people gathered there, whom many were elderly, there was only one mourner who although was sad, did not shed a tear. She was a young woman, who looked almost as old as the young man and her eyes never wavered from the cold resting face in the coffin.
While the young woman continued to stare melancholically, three people, two young males and a young female sat high up directly above the coffin on the cathedrals’ ceiling beams. They all wore black clothing and had unusually pale skin. Their body was thin, fit and despite the height that they were sitting, they were at ease.
“Is it done yet?” hissed Jhin, the younger looking male, impatiently.
“shh” shushed Clark, the other male, ignoring Jhin completely. Clark continued to stare at the still meditating woman balanced on the in front of him.
Clark glanced down to the body. “La clarierra. Morra diece monia?”
“mon” replied a deep, velvety female voice.
“Jhin, Narrea is nearly done, get ready.” Clark elegantly bounced quietly onto his feet, balancing perfectly on the beam was on. Jhin swung down from his beam and hung onto it with one hand, watching the mourners beginning to move in anticipation.
Narrea opened her eyes, reflecting ruby red irises. “Now”
The young woman stood still and continued to stare at the young man as the elderly was preparing to depart. Suddenly, the body jerked as if shocked by electricity. The young woman was so taken by shock and surprise that her legs buckled she fell backwards to the floor, still staring at the young man who was now sitting upright, coughing and gasping in the coffin in front of her. Just behind the young woman, the elderly had turned around and saw what had happened. Fear and shock hit the cathedral as the elderly tried to escape from the cathedral as fast as they could. Some were screaming and shouting as their old bodies pushed out as fast as they could manage. There was a loud Crash as Jihn and Clark had dropped down from their hiding place and landed heavily next to the resurrected man.
“Please…David, please” the young woman began as Jihn and Clark reached with a single hand each and clasped onto the man’s arms.
“Quit your whining girl, we made a deal. We bring back David for your sake, but we get to keep him” Jhin snarled at the young woman.
The young woman felt a strong but gentle hand pull her onto her feet. “Come now my dear Cherry, he doesn’t remember you. He doesn’t remember anything. You shouldn’t bother him. You can’t be with him anymore. He’s not the same person” The deep smooth voice spoke gently her ear.
“David…” Tears welled up in Cherry’s eyes as Narrea began to lead her out of the cathedral. Cherry’s eyes continued to stare at the confused David whom was looking at his surroundings and accompanists. Just before Cherry disappeared around the corner of the great arch doors, David turned to look at Cherry. Their eyes met for a moment and there was a glint in his eyes before she was gone.
~its been a long time coming~
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07-06-2010, 01:41 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-06-2010, 02:03 PM by oliveryungo.)
Not bad, I s'pose. Things to point out-
'reflecting ruby red irises'- What the heck?
'Fear and shock hit the cathedral'-Not possible. Cathedrals don't have feelings lah.
'La clarierra. Morra diece monia?'-Oi. Keep to English. I read Angels and Demons and the Da Vinci Code, it was annoying with all the foreign language.
'She was a young woman, who looked almost as old as the young man'-Er.....
Tip: PROOFREAD YOUR STUFF FIRST!! e.g
'stare melancholically'
'Their body was thin'
'one who was still very young and bright, and had yet to see many years ahead of them'
'There was a loud Crash'
All in all, nice story. But description is a bit weird sometimes.
Stories- Wrath of MH-Razen and Clash of the Empires
*Sizzle* thats what happens to bot links *Heroic pose* ~ Alectric
*sigh* I'm tired of your random and supposedly epic speeches. ~ Reaper
You're just jealous that i can do a Heroic pose ~ Alectric
Stay calm folks - Simoneon
Didn't you guys, like, forget something? Like... banning, perhaps?
Oh, nevermind, btw. Just noticed ~ SirFrog
it says that it is banned, but still no striking on his username ._. - Simoneon
Jeez guys, talk about stealing my thunder. Now this bot has been banished to the deserted outter world, we need something else to amuse us. FIRE EVERYTHING! ~ Alectric
I'm here to stop you! Give up, Duck... your plans are now revealed! - Simoneon
Bah, that wont stop me, i shall continue my ways till i get the job done! Bahahaha!! *evil pose* ~ Alectric
no you won't *angry dad pose* - Simoneon
Simoneon is disappoint ~ Reaper
sons, i am disappoint. Get your act together seriously ~ Phil
Phil, you're amusing! - Simoneon
The thing about Pineapples is that they are better than watermelons in every aspect ~ Alectric
NOW LOOK AT THIS! D:
- Simoneon
D: i think this hybrid could be the start of a long and beautiful friendship, or bitter cold horrid war. CHOOSE NOW, WATERMELON MAN ~ Alectric
I CHOOOSE WATERMELONS! - Simoneon
WRONG ANSWER, duck/pineapple powers activate!! *PSEW!!* ~ Alectric
no u watermelon! - Simoneon
PEW PEW PEW...KAPOWSERS!! ~ Alectric
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07-06-2010, 01:45 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-08-2010, 04:32 AM by dubbleD.)
LOL
yeah i'll come back and fix it tommorow
EDIT: btw, the foreign language is fake
i made it up to add extra intrigue to the story
~its been a long time coming~
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Ergh....I think that you should upload seperate versions of your story, so critics can compare. No one can remember what you wrote before, unless there was a really short time gap.
Anyway, it looks as if you've fiddled with your story a bit, because I can spot more mistakes XD. Or is it just me? I dunno.
a) You haven't fixed the thingies I mentioned in previous post.
Mistakos-
"watching the mourners beginning to move in anticipation." - Sounds like the mourners are anticipating, not Jhin.
"balancing perfectly on the beam was on" - Blah. In fact, I'll ignore typos and grammar for the sake of keeping this short.
"“shh” shushed Clark" - Not neccessary, is it?
"ignoring Jhin completely" - If he's ignoring him then he wouldn't be saying anything.
Blah. End of review.
Stories- Wrath of MH-Razen and Clash of the Empires
*Sizzle* thats what happens to bot links *Heroic pose* ~ Alectric
*sigh* I'm tired of your random and supposedly epic speeches. ~ Reaper
You're just jealous that i can do a Heroic pose ~ Alectric
Stay calm folks - Simoneon
Didn't you guys, like, forget something? Like... banning, perhaps?
Oh, nevermind, btw. Just noticed ~ SirFrog
it says that it is banned, but still no striking on his username ._. - Simoneon
Jeez guys, talk about stealing my thunder. Now this bot has been banished to the deserted outter world, we need something else to amuse us. FIRE EVERYTHING! ~ Alectric
I'm here to stop you! Give up, Duck... your plans are now revealed! - Simoneon
Bah, that wont stop me, i shall continue my ways till i get the job done! Bahahaha!! *evil pose* ~ Alectric
no you won't *angry dad pose* - Simoneon
Simoneon is disappoint ~ Reaper
sons, i am disappoint. Get your act together seriously ~ Phil
Phil, you're amusing! - Simoneon
The thing about Pineapples is that they are better than watermelons in every aspect ~ Alectric
NOW LOOK AT THIS! D:
- Simoneon
D: i think this hybrid could be the start of a long and beautiful friendship, or bitter cold horrid war. CHOOSE NOW, WATERMELON MAN ~ Alectric
I CHOOOSE WATERMELONS! - Simoneon
WRONG ANSWER, duck/pineapple powers activate!! *PSEW!!* ~ Alectric
no u watermelon! - Simoneon
PEW PEW PEW...KAPOWSERS!! ~ Alectric
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I ain't gonna talk about those little mistakes as I think oliveryungo named most of them (although I don't see some of them as mistakes. "loud Crash" for example is a pleonasm^^) except maybe for "tall cathedral". A cathedral might be huge, but only living beings are tall.
Despite some slightly weird description, the overall descriptions are very nice. You know, I always put a lot of emphasis on imaginability. And I can imagine the event pretty well.
What you could do is increasing the length of the last paragraph a bit. There isn't much happening in the beginning and you want to leave the reader in the dark about those black-clothed people, so the length there is ok. In the last paragraph, however, the events follow in quick succession. On the other hand, the brevity gives a good impression of getting him back and loosing him that fast. Your decision.
All in all a nice story. A very nice one if you fix the little mistakes. But there is a big thing that needs a change: This isn't a story. This is a prologue. And it needs moar chapters!!!
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03-23-2011, 11:57 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-23-2011, 11:58 AM by dubbleD.)
im not grave digging cos its my own thread. i know its been a while since ive been active due to being busy in real life
but ive recently thrown this idea onto the computer and thought i might as well post it otherwise it will just get dusty and forgotten.
this little section is coming from a different point of view but happening at the same time as the piece of writing in my first post
i hope you enjoy what little i could share
Your conscience is disturbed by the sounds of voice, yelling and screaming. As your mind comes out of the deep emptiness of rest, your bodily senses begin to tingle. But not the way it used to. Something feels wrong. You feel unusually cold yet you do not feel uncomfortable.
As your eyes flutter open, you begin to wriggle your body free of the stiff position it had been held in, lying down with hands crossed over your chest. Sitting up, you realise what it is that you were sleeping in.
A coffin.
You start to feel confused and lost. Sitting in the coffin facing cold, grey, walls, you take a look around the huge, stone cathedral surrounding you and come to a stop to stare at the large archway entrance. In the chaos of people were men and women, young and old, dressed in sad, black clothing all franticly trying to get over and through evenly spaced rows of wooden pews, to the large archway exit at the back of the building. Their faces read an expression of fear and confusion.
Your attention focuses on an unmoving girl standing under the middle of the archway, staring straight at you. Dark underlines trace her tear stained eyes as she stares into your eyes, looking somewhat sad, surprised and shocked.
Suddenly a sharp piercing pain strikes you on your chest. It feels like your heart is being impaled by a knife. Like a hot sword had pierced through the skin straight into the very centre and continued through. You grimace at the increasing pain but do all you can to continue to stare at this strange girl, all the while the sounds of the people drown your ears. As the crowd pass through the archway and swallow up the girl, you sense there is another presence around you.
You are beginning to feel heavy, weak. Your eyes feel tired. The searing pain is beginning to ebb away but it is soon replaced by a throbbing pain in your chest. Your arms that are holding you up suddenly become unbearable fragile and you collapse back into the coffin.
The last thing you see before darkness claims you once again are four faces leaning over the coffin.
btw, there might be some inconsistency between the two sections but i don't really care about it
~its been a long time coming~
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Me likes. A very nice choice of words and some nice figures of speech that help us to get into the story. It also is good to have a bit of an unusual perspective which befits the bizarre situation of waking up in a coffin quite well. (a situation out of which you might have been able to make even more, though. Give us the chance to play with it in our minds. A man finding himself in a coffin in a cathedral with lots of black-dressed people around him. The whole scene, the faces...)
There is not much happening here, but then again that is fine for the beginning of a story.
I still demand a continuation. Now you only made me more curious about the backstory. Don't let me rush you, though.
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