Into the new world ( Updates - #4 is out! )

[Sharkitoon]

Chapter One (Click to View)

Gone. One minute she was there cutting my birthday cake, then she just disappeared, no ' poof ', no smoke effects, just disappeared. As if her very existence got deleted. " Y-y-you see that " I stammered " Right? "

" Trevor, tell me this is a dream " Jake, my twin, said " Tell ME! Trevor Tell ME! "

" Shhhh... " I shushed him, then the sound became clearer, the sound of a truck that's coming closer and closer, " I SAID TEL- "

Our front window burst into pieces so suddenly that Jake jumped and pushed me sideways, and then i realized what just happened, a truck just smashed our front window. Then another massive crash as it burst through my kitchen and then disappeared into the night.I was still stunned when Jake call me, beckoning me to come to his side. I stood up and walk towards Jake, and winced as my foot stepped on a glass piece.

Then i turn to were Jake is looking, i was so shocked that i have to hold on to Jake's shoulder for support.The city... it's in chaos. Vehicles smashing into buildings,other vehicles, even childrens. I watched helplessly as a plane swerved into a block, smashing through three blocks before exploding, a massive explosion, so intense that i can almost feel the heat.

But thing's gets worse, as a petrol truck smashed into a gas station which is just in front of an oil rig. I watched in fear, knowing that a huge explosion is about to happen. But what happen is beyond my imagination.

An explosion so huge and intense that the torned curtain suddenly burst into flames, and i watched helplessly as both Jake and me were thrown off our feet. we landed a few meters away.Pieces if the explosion landed everywhere, creating an enormous crater.I look at a car that was parked beside our house, the heat from the explosion was so intense that it melted the car door and a few more parts.

Just when i think it have ended, the unspeakable happens, a rapid massive combustion occured just after that, i didn't even have time to feel the after-pain of the explosion, the heat from the combustion caused Jake's hair to burn all of a sudden, he screamed in pain when the flame from his hair touched a bruise on his forehead, he struggled to extinguish the fire, his hands frantically searching for anything useful, he grabbed a rug and hit his hair several times before the flame vanish, making Jake's hair curled in a weird way.

Then the pain hit me, it took me a moment to realize that my left hand was burned badly, i screamed in pain... hoping that Jake might be able to help, but he's in the same condition as i am.

Mum's disappearance, the truck, our house, the explosion, everything flashed in my mind, it was too much for me, I faint...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Chapter Two
(Click to View)

Chapter Two

Voices, i can hear voices...
I open my eyes almost immediately, " Oh, you're awake "

" He's awake? "
" yea, call Jake "
" Hey Jake! Your bro's awake! "

" He is? " I recognize Jake's voice immediately, " Trevor! You're awake! "

" I see... " I said, " who are this peoples? "

" Survivors, just like us " Jake answered.I turn to look at them, but the sight of the once-a-beautiful-city is now like an after-match of a war.Injured teenagers here and there, ruins of what seems to be the remainings of a shopping mall, now blackened and still burning weakly, melted vehicle, and a- ship?!woah, now that's what i call a flying ship.

" you live around here? " A blond-haired guy, with dusty rough hair, wearing a Black jacket and blue jeans asked me.

" Not anymore " I replied weakly.
" but you do know whats happening, " he continued " right? "
" besides my mum's disappearance, and crazy drivers and pilot, no i don't "
I replied.

" Not only your mum... " He said slowly, his face became gloomy.Somehow an ominous feeling... that it's gonna be really bad, whatever he's about to say will be really... bad.

" All the adults are gone... "

To be continued...

[Sharkitoon]

Chapter Three (Click to View)

Chapter Three

" Why am I not surprised? " Jake said.
" After all that happened, " I said " I'm not surprised either... "
" By the way, I'm louis " The blond guy said." follow me, i'll introduce you to the rest of the survivors, well, not all, but the ones who agreed to join our small group. " He continued while getting up.

He lead us to a ruined school, a few smashed walls on the first level and burned walls, most probably an after-match of the combustion.When Louis say ' the rest of the survivors ', I expect to see crying teenagers, with torned cloths and bruises everywhere, but the survivors that were introduced to us were wearing smart school uniforms and besides a few bruises and dirty trousers, they are surprisingly fine. " Hey You! " a smart-looking kid with a round smooth face, and a silver wavy hair point at me.

I was dumbfounded, i don't even recognize his face, even if i know him, i sure didn't remember him.

" Do I know you? " I ask him.
" You don't remember me? " He ask me back.
" No. "
" You don't? "
" yea i don't "
" I'm the person you met one minute ago " He joked.

I smiled, maybe not all survivors are always depressed, this one seems cheery.Jake and a few others laughed at him. " You got a name? " Jake ask the kid.

" No, but my name is Henry " He said while maintaining his face which make us smile wider.

" Can i call you Hen? " Jake said.
" If you call me Hen, what does that make me? a chicken? " He joked.

Then an oval faced girl, with gentle eyes and long straight hair walked up to us and bow,

" Hi, my name is Tiffany, call me Fany for short "
" Fany, did anyone ever tell you that you're pretty? " Jake ask her. I smiled when he said that.

" She hears that she's pretty from everyone, now she actually think she's really pretty " Henry said with a casual face, we cracked up at that one,
Tiffany blushed, which make us laugh even harder.

" and I'm the group leader, name's Allen, just call me Al " a smart-looking ,buzzed-hair guy with sleepy eyes walks towards us and shake our hands.
He looks like the kind of guy who will take on great responsibility.

" that's all members of the group " Henry said. I look around from Louis to Henry,Fany, then to Al.

" No, that's not all members of the group, there are two more girls, Jessica and mischievous queen Liz, short for elizabeth " Louis said.

To be continued...

Chapter Four (Click to View)

Chapter Four

" So where do you guys sleep? " Jake ask them,
" Anywhere in this school, but usually here, at this lobby. " Fany replied.
" Here? " Jake ask, " Isn't classrooms more, you know, comfortable? "

" Yes, but here, if anything were to happen, we have an easier way out. "Fany explained.

" What do you mean by anything? " Jake ask, i kinda annoyed the way he kept on pestering Tiffany with questions after questions.

" In this new world, nothing's the same. " Al suddenly said.

" The last time we're here, the combustion decimates the fourth floor, leaving corpse, melted tables, and burned walls, that's how dangerous it is to be on the classrooms... " Tiffany said slowly.

But one thing still bothers me, the way they all joke around, how could they? after all that happen?

" there's still one thing that bothers me, why ain't you guys terrified or sad? " I ask finally, unable to withstand the curiosity.

" Haven't you read the school's name? " Louis suddenly said, " It says ' Edward High School ', the school for troubled students. A world without parents is the kind of world we wants. "

" Huh?! " Jake suddenly shouted, " How could you say that?! Dude, your parents suffered while you grow up, you could at least- "

" at least be grateful for them? " Louis suddenly said, " be grateful? "
Suddenly Louis grab Jake by the collar, " Don't talk, as if you know anything... "

As if to emphasize on Louis's sudden change, the ground began to shake vigorously. " What's going on? " Tiffany suddenly said with a frightened voice. I watch as everything in the room begans to shake strongly.Then we hear it,

The sound of screaming peoples, running footsteps, and things smashing everything else.I hurried out of the room, something in the distance make me squint my eyes, it's smoking, like something burning...

Then it came into sight, a giant wave, but not just any wave, it's a giant wave of lava.
The intensity of the lava, melted everything in it's path, emitting bright flashes and black smoke.

[Reaper]

You've rewritten the first part? It's much better now. Tenses errors haven't really become less, but well... The most important part is the style and that's has gotten better.
Two little things:
- Make sure not to repeat yourself. I mean both concerning choice of words (huge, intense) and phrases.
- The part with the burning hair is pretty much pointless. The hair starts to burn and immediately stops again.

Chapter three however needs a bit of work. At first you say that he expected the survivors to be crying/ depressed but they aren't and later you say "maybe not all survivors are always depressed". Actually you picture all of them as rather funny guys who are unimpressed by the events. Which brings us to the next point: I'm pretty sure every person would react differently to such extreme situation. That would also makes the characters more unique and more like real humans.

Also I would like you not to delete your thread when you rewrite a part. I need to see my last comment to know what I've already said. Not mentioning that I want to increase my postcount a little . Would be great if you could just delete the old part out of your post and maybe leave a little comment that the posts below aren't about the current chapters. Thanks in advantage.

[Sharkitoon]

The burning hair, I don't know how to explain the heat-wave but well,
it's not like I'm a good author, but I'll improve, Thanks for the comment,
You always help me when I post my stories

About the guys, maybe I'll reveal their past in chapter four or five.
There's a reason he ain't sad, not everyone is sad when all adults are gone.
What do you mean old part? Yes the post below wont be about current chapters

EDIT: Thanks i already edited the chapter

Reaper edited this post 08-20-2010 10:09 PM because:

What I mean is: Instead of reposting your thread, you can just add a line to your first post like Edit: I've rewritten some of the paragraphs. Due to that, some of the comments below refer to other chapters than the ones you see now. Also there is no problem with burning hair (I guess, I don't know what would happen after a heatwave like that). But it should have a purpose. For instance, you could add some lines in between describing how he tries to extinguish the fire.