Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
my story
#1
i started a story
i dont have a name now soo NVM XD
well it story about Lf2 ~ Lfe
after the fight julian win and just davis and dennis live
they search for new fighter to the big wor :P

part 1 - Grow And Glow (Click to View)
[Image: p45mycA.png]
Reply
Thanks given by:
#2
Intresting and new concept..... Just work on the grammer part a bit and It'll be very good.
If at first you don't succeed, you're probably not going skydiving again.
Reply
Thanks given by: Ariel
#3
^Agreed. You've got to work a bit on the grammar, but elsewise it's fine. You've got some hopefully distinct characters with indicated backstories and a general plotline. There's not much more you need to start a story. Or nothing more:)
This first part is rather short, but it seems like that applies to most of the stories here. Despite the fact that you could have narrated how Davis and Dennis find the other fighters, the fight could have been more detailed as well. The interesting bit is how they fight those bandits, not that and how many.
Last thing to mention.
Quote:Then he died.. I ate myself but after a few minutes I start to search fighters
Half a sentence to get his father's death out of his mind?
All in all a nice start. I'm hoping to see some more.
Reply
Thanks given by: Ariel
#4
Thanks guys ill try to work on my grammar
well start part 2 soo...
what u think about the start of part 2? (its not all of part 2 just the start XD)

While we're fighting them we didn't feel but Kusari was gone and I heard Clide calls me.
I turned and saw him wounded on the ground, I tried to help him but I didn't know what to do, Kusari disappeared and Clide was wounded.
Earth and Dennis protect me when I fall Clide but we didnt know what to do. The bandits were still coming. We began to feel faint.
While I helped Clide I saw a kind of blue light, at first I thought it was a star but it started to grow and grow.
[Image: p45mycA.png]
Reply
Thanks given by:
#5
It is a nice story but I think you cut to the action 2 fast

In the story you could say how he met the different warriors and how he knew they were the right ones.

And when they fight you could add a little more detail eg I saw earth charging towards them, in his eyes I could see anger and hate.

when he started fighting He had more power than any fighter I saw before even Juilian came not even close.

He made cracks and spikes come out of the ground ,he could take on 5 bandits at once and kill them in the time it took to blink an eye.



Random word of the day (Click to View)
What the hell is yahoo doing (Click to View)
News of the day: I have joined the eggpire, look out ducks I am gonna roast you with my fearsome fire-egg sword!
*Avatar made by Someone else
Reply
Thanks given by: Ariel
#6
well i change things and i work on what you tell me
hope its better now :)
[Image: p45mycA.png]
Reply
Thanks given by:
#7
Wow now that is good ( I am not gonna say anything about grammar cause it was a really good story)

And I have an Idea for the next chapter (If you wan't them to kill the bandits)

Random word of the day (Click to View)
What the hell is yahoo doing (Click to View)
News of the day: I have joined the eggpire, look out ducks I am gonna roast you with my fearsome fire-egg sword!
*Avatar made by Someone else
Reply
Thanks given by: Ariel
#8
Story's theme:
Good one and nice to see that u involve LF2 characters in it. And, new chars too. Keep it up ^^

Workable on:
grammar, punctuations, spellings and some more explanation about the scene, characters, fighting etc.

Nice start though !!
Reply
Thanks given by: Ariel




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)