Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD
#21
(03-10-2011, 12:26 PM)oliveryungo Wrote:  Okay I understood like...20%...
Yes, key point to writing stories-make sure the reader can understand.
The ones that bamboozled me the most-
""LEGENDARY STANLEY PRISON" kept a lot of good peoples which was against this statement."
"hunters stayed everywhere because they was so much etc..."
"on that mountain they they lived sometimes ago"
I totally did not get those. And of course random grammatical errors, etc, etc, blablabla....
Oh, and the extensive use of capitals is somewhat annoying.

""LEGENDARY STANLEY PRISON" kept a lot of good peoples which was against this statement." Means that a lot of good peoples were imprisoned.The reason was that they was against Firzen.

"hunters stayed everywhere because they was so much etc..."
means that:hunters and bandits lived everywhere.BBandits and hunters was so much in number.

"on that mountain they they lived sometimes ago"
Some months ago they lived in that muontain.


(03-10-2011, 02:27 PM)Divisor Wrote:  @empirefantasy
You thanked my post, but didn't bother to read it?
Well, let me sum it up for you:

tl; dr version
Your grammar sucks, the story isn't bad but your writing style makes it zero understandable. If you want to continue your writing, improve your English skills.

Yes I have read it.
I have to write maybe 10 chapters.
I am thinking to continue it after some(3-4) months.What do you think about that?
Reply
Thanks given by:
#22
If you want to, you can send me the next chapter beforehand and I'll try to check the grammar. I won't be able to do that more often, but maybe it helps you to become aware of your most common mistakes and the others to focus more on the story.
However, that does not mean that you don't have to write as correct - gramatically - as possible. It won't help ypu too much otherwise. Means: Spellchecks and rereading your chapter a few times - preferably on two different days - to look for errors.
Reply
Thanks given by: empirefantasy , MnM
#23
Thanks,Reaper.I will wrote and send the new chapter after I come back from school.
Reply
Thanks given by:
#24
small advice (not necessarily useful):

After you type out your story, just do a spell and grammar check in MS word. It might not always be correct but its useful.
If at first you don't succeed, you're probably not going skydiving again.
Reply
Thanks given by:
#25
V Little Fighter
The Dark Empire stayed for a long time. Suddenly a group of fighters, called Little Fighters, thought to defeat the Dark Empire. The only way was to defeat the leader, Firzen. The members of this group were Davis (a fighter who used his hands); Woody (who used mostly his legs to attack); Bat (who kept out bats and made laser attacks); Jan (a magic girl); Henry (a highlander who used arrows) and Rudolf (who used martial arts).
As we know, good people were prisoned, so three of them were Woody, Davis and Jan. Bat was the first who thought to start a revolution against the Dark Empire. So he went to the Legendary Stanley Prison to free Davis, Jan and Woody. When he went to the prison he faced with a knight.
-Where are you going? -said the Knight.
-I am going to free my friends!
-Are you crazy? Now you will be imprisoned because you have broken rules.
-These rules are so bad, these rules are dictatorial rules, they are not democratic, -said the annoyed Bat.
-What! Now I am going to kill you! -shouted knight.
So a fight between them started.
Bat started punching him, (but as we know knights was well equipped), so knight protected himself with his hand shield. But Bat was decided to defeat him, so he continued punching him. Knight tried to use his sword to kill Bat, but Bat used his eyes's laser. Knight had never thought that Bat had this special move. So bat's laser destroyed knight's sword and split knight's armor and knight died.
Then, Bat took the key in knight's pocket and freed his friends.
But when Jan, Woody and Davis went out, suddenly Louis came.
They fascinate! There were 2 other knights with Louis.
-What should we do? -asked Jan.
-You all go to rescue the others, -answered Bat, -Here,in this prison are so many innocent people.
Knight went to kill Bat, but Bat used another special move. This special move was a very speedy punch. And with that kind of punch Bat defeated 2 knights in just some seconds. Now he was face to face with Louis. Suddenly Davis came back and shot with his blue balls. But these blue balls did not hurt Louis because he had a metal armor. So bat used his laser, but Louis jumped high (he was an air master) and in this time so many knights came. Davis and Bat went out of the Prison because they were not able to defeat that number of knights.
A great thanks to Reaper who helped me to correct some mistakes and phrases.

Reaper edited this post 04-09-2011 11:17 PM because:
You know, I stumbled across quite some phrases I'm sure to have corrected (might be because of rewriting). I did change a few, but right now it is well past midnight here, so that has got to wait until tomorrow.
Reply
Thanks given by:
#26
This one was certainly easier to understand than the previous chapters (also before me checking. Btw: I didn't know what 'They fascinate' ment, so I kept it. They were stunned?). It also was more descriptive, so another + here.
However, you tend to repeat words alot. It becomes most apparent in this paragraph:
Quote:Bat started punching him, (but as we know knights was well equipped), so knight protected himself with his hand shield. But Bat was decided to defeat him, so he continued punching him. Knight tried to use his sword to kill Bat, but Bat used his eyes's laser. Knight had never thought that Bat had this special move. So bat's laser destroyed knight's sword and split knight's armor and knight died.
Less 'Bat' and 'knight' and it will sound a lot better. Additionally, as I've mentioned somewhen earlier, I wouldn't use as many brackets () in a story. It always feels like a little interruption.
Another thing I've noticed is that you use the little word 'so' very often. Try to reduce the number a little. In some cases it's pretty much redundant and a little rewording will almost always do the trick.
Anyway, I do see quite some improvement, hopefully you can continue that way.
Reply
Thanks given by: empirefantasy
#27
(04-10-2011, 08:41 PM)Reaper Wrote:  It also was more descriptive, so another + here.

Yes,because here we start with "real story".Other chapters has been to tell about the "past",that's why they looks like a summary (I think).

Thanks Reaper for advices and for "moving it in today's posts".
Reply
Thanks given by:




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)