Poll: Whos The Main Hero?
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Adventure of Louis
Spoilered Spoilers (Click to View)

You're just dying if you're living and thinking about a betrayal, revive yourself.
Think about that one person that has trusted you forever, not the thousand people that have betrayed you.
Thanks given by: NewToTheEra
For the ones who have difficulties in reading this and for you Amadis i "fixed" the text:
Fix Wrote:One day Louis was just walking in the Lion Forest. Suddenly, he heard a scream. He ran there but there was no one. He started thinking about who screamed and then it became dark. Some lightnings had fallen on the ground where he almost got hit by one (he's not resistant to lighting because his armor is made out of steel). Then he heard another scream. This one was real and not just another imagination. Suddenly, a villager with her child told Louis that someone has trapped her family in the forests of the dark magic. All of a sudden, he heard a running sound. He looked behind and he saw Davis. He asked Davis what happened and why he was tired. Davis responded: "Louis u gotta come with me!" 'Pant' 'Pant'(are these sounds?). Louis was confused and asked him: "Why, what happened Davis? Why do you look so scared?"

What happened and why was Davis so scared? Find out later.
If someone can fix it better, please do. :)

Now about the story.
I don't know much about writing so i can't see some mistakes.
You could add some more details like how the weather went bad or how he met the villager.
Please continue this. :)
[Image: double-jump-YinYin-base-1.gif]
This is an inspiration from:
-YinYin's Character Development guide, to be more specific i took one of those bases.
-Urban Rivals' clan Skeelz, I took their uniform
I hope it's good. ^^
TLOK | My sprites | Anime sprite contest | DeviantART |
Thanks given by: AmadisLFE
I can see a lot of grammatical mistakes.A LOT.
And why no punctuation?

I suggest you fix the prologue before continuing to the next part.

EDIT 2- You have fixed the story a bit now. I have given this review based on your previous entry (i.e. the one I've quoted)

Old review(based on previous post.The previous post can be found here) (Click to View)
Meh,too lazy to update review :P

[Image: icVLlMk.png]
Thanks given by: AmadisLFE
- I can still see grammatical errors.
- I do appraise the plot, the names could be better. Dark Forest sounds bit too generic for my liking.
- I think speech passages should be placed in line breaks. Eg:
Quote:Davis: blablablub
Louis: blablablub
Davis: ^%&*(#
Louis: heh
- A space should be added after every period (fullstop).
- Use more punctuation, commas, quotation marks, semicolon, etc.
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Thanks given by: AmadisLFE

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