Poll: Which story/ies did you like best?
This poll is closed.
LeoGautama
4.00%
4 4.00%
davis60
10.00%
10 10.00%
LutiChris
11.00%
11 11.00%
The Lost Global Mod
9.00%
9 9.00%
Azriel
10.00%
10 10.00%
koori-youkai
8.00%
8 8.00%
Dr. Time
9.00%
9 9.00%
Reaper
14.00%
14 14.00%
BluePhoenix
14.00%
14 14.00%
empirefantasy
2.00%
2 2.00%
Hero Destroyer
4.00%
4 4.00%
EXG9
5.00%
5 5.00%
Total 100 vote(s) 100%
* You voted for this item. [Show Results]

Thread Rating:
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Contest #21: Writing challenge - VOTING
#1
In this contest, the task was to write a backstory for one or a few of the little fighters. All in all, a whopping 12 people participated.

LeoGautama (Click to View)
LutiChris (Click to View)
The Lost Global Mod (Click to View)
koori-youkai (Click to View)
BluePhoenix (Click to View)
empirefantasy (Click to View)
Hero Destroyer (Click to View)
Now it is up to you to decide the winner. Have fun voting.

The poll will close on the 15th of July. Afterwards, the winners will be announced.
Thanks given by: Mono , Dr. Time , dan007/^""""
#2
Well, looks like I'll have the honor to start the review-phase :D

All following things are based on my opinion. You don't have to agree with it, it's just what I would've liked or what particularly struck me. "+" is a positive comment, "-" obviously negative and "0" is just something I wanted to say :p


LeoGautama - Backstory of Bat
+ Bat, often overlooked. Nice that someone decided to give him a little attention.
- Choice of words could be more eloquent.
- Sentence structure is sometimes a little confusing.
- Several repetitions that make the reader go think "I am pretty sure I have read that a few minutes ago".
- Writing from a first person perspective doesn't mean to start most sentences with "I". Passive forms are your friend
- Tension is built but it could've been a little stronger.
- Several grammatical mistakes. Although I try to overread them, they do become prominent if they happen too frequent. Pro-tip: use a word-processor (MS Word, Open Office, etc.) which has a spell+grammar check. Helps getting rid of those.

==> Not voted.


davis60 - The legend of Firzen
- "mana power"... anybody that has played and/or modified LF2 will know what is meant. Somebody who reads this story before having been introduced to LF2 will have troubles following.
+ Further characters (John) introduced to help building a believable storyline.
0 Nice to add a few funny details (failed fusion-attempts). It could have been better worded, though. For example, how exactly does a "hilarious, fat person" look like? A clown with pillows stuffed into his clothings?
- "almost destroyed"... again, wording. When it's almost destroyed, it's highly judgemental. Either give further reasons why or what has been spared from the annihilation or directly mention something along the lines of "ceased to exist".
- I'm missing the tension. One event follows the other and it is a bit predictable. Well, except for the destruction-part. It's all a little simple; a bit of intriguing and thrilling details might have added a significant bit to the entry.
- Keep with one style throughout the story. Sometimes, you set quotation marks AND italicize the text, sometimes, you just italicize.
- Davis does not play a significant role, his name could have been left out. If you add names, you should have specific reasons.
- "sob"... is this really necessary? A comic might substancially profit from this but you're developing a story. A 'quoth Firzen under tears' would have been much more believable.
- Julian's final thought comes from out of nowhere. It is in no way connected to the previous statements. A bit more context would have been much more helpful in this matter.

==> Not voted.


LutiChris - [no title]
0 Well, Reaper did not specify an upper word limit but with 4376 words, yours is a sheer behemoth of a tale. I expect a whole lot now.
- Sudden switches in time. In retrospect, when I wrote this, the beginning ain't that bad. The fight scene between Louis+friends vs. Julian is much harder to read.
- Grammar and spell-check would've helped as well
- Same as with Davis60: assume the reader has never played LF2. A little introduction to the "infamous Julian" would've been nice.
- The scene where Julian pops up until the Big Bang is really confusing. Even after reading it three times, I am still not sure if I've understood it correctly.
+ Bringing items into the story (ruby) to help building up a storyline. Nice! Creative work right there.
+ One of the few entries that implements attacks of the protagonist into the story.
- Who is Jan? Not introduced before. Same with Louis and Henry (I'll let Monk slip). The "little fighters" is a new phrase added and not further explained.
+ Different characters speak differently. Mark's "Yo got some serious explain'n to do, punk!" greatly added to the diversity.
+ Cloned into all but one. Things start to get interesting. Good build-up of tension in this part.
+ "Yep, I'm just that awesome!" hahahahahaha
- The thing with the emotions of Rudolf and how it reflects upon the clones didn't make much sense to me. Also, the exact reasoning why they only listen to the Rudolf-clone and not Julian remains a mystery to me.
- In the beginning, you mentioned place-swaps ("meanwhile...", etc.). Somewhere in the middle, you abandoned that system. Why?
- I thought, Julian smashed the ruby into Louis's armor. How does it suddenly end up in Rudolf's hand.
- The whole fighting-scene at the end is extremely hard to follow.
- Tossing that gem away when one wants to never see it again doesn't seem too smart. Why not destroy it?
- "the crate finally landed on the poor bastard"... is the swearing necessary?
- Wait, why did he leave the others again?

A really long story compared to the others. Some elements are nice but the core-elements remain unclear to me. All in all, there is a multitude of confusing elements which make it hard to comprehend.

==> Not voted.



The Lost Global Mod - Future Troubles
+ Good opener. Intriguing; makes me want to know how this will go on.
- Slight grammatical and spelling errors.
+ The physicist in my cringes at the thought of time-travel but it is a nice concept.
+ Great introduction of Davis & Dennis. This is how I imagined it! I just don't quite get how these two gave birth to the narrator....
+ Great idea to give a little background on why Woody is named "Woody".
+ Short and sweet. Describes how it all came to happen. Reduced to the essential.

==> In essentially one page, the whole story is described throughoutly. Voted!



Azriel - Opportunity
+ I do love these little spice-ups where you manage to casually implement words like "apocalyptic". By definition, a story can't be bad when it describes TEH APOCALYPSE!! Okay, just kidding, but I wanted to highlight that specific part xD
+ Good choice of words
+ No spelling or grammatical mistakes that jumped me right into the eyes.
+ Great creativity right there! It deviates from the generic "Yo, this is a guy from LF2 and he has this-and-that abilities and he fights his way through" and establishes a complete universe on its own.
+ People that know about LF2 can identify the narrator but it's not essential to the story because instead of focusing on describing the character, you take the way of defining his surroundings to give information about him. A truly unique way.

==> VIOLENTLY VOTED!



koori-youkai - [no title]
+ I had a rough idea who you were describing after the first paragraph but you never revealed it till the end. Great way of keeping up the tension.
0 A little more casual way of writing. The choice of words could have been better in some places but in general, it's alright. (eg.: using "weirdo" once adds something to it; using it several times gets too repetitive for my tastes)
+ Unique way of giving Bandit a background-story and also explaining why there are so many of him. Awesome!

==> voted!


Dr. Time - Backstory of Julian
- Pro-tip: use a space after interpunctuation. Not only is slapping words right after a comma etc. the wrong way, it makes things extremely hard to read.
+ Interesting way of starting the narration
- Is there a specific reason why you end the direct speech after each paragraph? I always expect somebody else to talk at a new paragraph with quotation marks. At least it's consistent.
- Sometimes, a little less repetition and a little more synonyms would've been better. For example, at the part where is sister is killed.
+ No severe spelling and grammar errors.
+ Cool storyline.
+ I don't have anything else to say but I want to have more +'s than -'s :p

==> voted!


Reaper - [no title]
+ Intriguing opening sequence
+ Great choice of words! Probably the most eloquent from all entries.
+ Paints a realistic and believable portrait of Justin (and no, Don, you are not meant). The only thing I do not agree with is the carpet color. Unless you refer to the color-bugged version of LF2 :p

==> not voting for it would be a shame, so.... voted!



Blue Phoenix - Verdict
aaa



empirefantasy - [no title]
0 You really pulled off writing a poem. Now I'm interested in how well you executed it.
+ Lots and lots of rhymes
- For some rhymes, you weren't that nice to the English language :p
- The portrayal isn't as vividly described as it could be. The only stylistic devices that became apparent to me while reading were rhymes and repetitions. A poem pretty much invites for going wild with metaphors, tautologies, alliterations, oxymorons, and whatnot.
- Sometimes, it is hard to follow.

==> not voted.




Hero Destroyer - [no title]
+ cool choice of words most of the time
- wording could be better at some places. "fast speed" doesn't sound that thrilling.
+ Relatively simple concept but I can imagine standing among the characters.
- tenses shift
- The mood-changes of Davis come too quickly for my tastes. At first, he angrily talks with Justin and in the next moment, he is overwhelmed with sadness. Could have helped to add a few bridging words or even sentences in there.
- Don't be too parsimonious with the line breaks. Makes it a little easier to follow the dialogs.

==> not voted.



EXG9 - Mask of Power
- Grammatical mistakes make it really hard to follow, spelling errors occur as well
- "Julian's mother said that by looking at her husband portrait."... this doesn't sound too thrilling to me. Integrating the descriptive elements in your story should be an important goal to follow.
0 Cool that you use metaphors (at least I assume they are). However, I cannot really associate anything to a "huge army of death". Might've been better to describe it at least a little.
- "almost destroyied"... this is the same as with davis60. Too judgemental, too few details given.
+ The storyline itself is promising. A mask that will strengthen the wearer but will wreak havoc in case of evil thoughts.
- It might be just me but i did not feel as taken away by the story as with other entries. The concept is okay but its execution lacks a little.

==> not voted.
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Thanks given by: koori , Mono , davis60 , Reaper , LutiChris , Dr. Time
#3
Thx mister BP, well I know that my grammar is bad and I am not good writter :)
I didn't wanned to make it long and promissing. Just taking part in.
I will keep that in mind :)
[Image: WdQ0XF2.png]
Thanks given by:
#4
Thanks BP. But I think the negative point about mana power is not quite suitable because mana means "Energy" and so basically all will get the idea of the energy within them.

So well, thanks for the faults you showed me. ;)
...............
Thanks given by:
#5
in response to bp (Click to View)
Thanks given by:
#6
For BP:
Thanks for the comments.
BP Wrote:- The mood-changes of Davis come too quickly for my tastes. At first, he angrily talks with Justin and in the next moment, he is overwhelmed with sadness. Could have helped to add a few bridging words or even sentences in there.
He is first confuse, then he understand what Justin meant. Justin reminded him of his killing spree. xD
This place motivates me to become an artist, this place motivates me to learn coding, this place made me grow up, showed me the ways to interact with people. Unlike the old childish of me myself, I've learned a lot and gotten some experiences. For me, it's not just a fan forum, it's a helpful community. From a noob to someone who would think before he speaks, looking back at my old post made me laugh hard, I'm grateful of the differences between these 2 years.
~Thank You All and Farewell
~Goodbye, LFE.
RIP - 14/04/2014
Thanks given by:
#7
LeoGautama (Click to View)
LutiChris (Click to View)
Azriel - that's me.

koori-youkai (Click to View)
Blue Phoenix (Click to View)
empirefantasy (Click to View)
Hero Destroyer (Click to View)


Azriel~
<table><tr><td><a href="http://heroquest-silver.blogspot.com/"><img style="border: #000000 solid 1px" src="http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/6UjfBvNBUIA/mqdefault.jpg" height="100" /></a></td><td><table style="font-size:11px;font-family:Arial;font-weight: bold;"><tr><td valign="top" colspan=3>
(12-31-2009, 08:43 AM)Blue Phoenix Wrote:  over 99% will not be able to do this before their 20th birthday.
</td></tr>
<tr><td colspan=3>
<div style="border-top:2px solid #FFFFFF;border-bottom: 2px solid #FFFFFF;background-color:#000000;text-align: center;">
Hero Quest [Check In] 14th June 2014
</div>
Legend tells of a deadly group of fighters who would come in 3 terrifying waves
The first wave is here.</td></tr></table></td></tr></table>
Thanks given by: Mono , Reaper , Dr. Time , koori , Kevin
#8
@Dr. Time
Your Julian's family are shockingly correspondent to my family. Wait, I don't wanna turn out like him.
Well, maybe... *evil grin*

Voted for.....
uhh check it out yourself I'm too lazy.
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Thanks given by: Dr. Time
#9
azriel Wrote:This verse didn't really make sense though:
A thousand thoughts beard his mind
TEMPLATE
What was that? Why she..
was it tru… what was…
what did she thou…
is me?
thx for your comment. i gont get whats hard to understand here

His mind was thinking many thoughts (u know it was metaphoric)

then template says:
What was that? Why she..
was it tru… what was…
what did she thou…
is me?

coz he is not quiet.
thx for comment blue :d
Thanks given by:
#10
Out of curiosity... davis60, how much did you believe in your submission?

A little bird tweeted me the news that you have been mass-PMing other members requesting them to vote for you. Now, I don't know who particularly voted for you because they liked your story most. But it seems suspicious that this has happened with several people...

So, here I am, asking on behalf of the participants who chose to let others make up their minds upon the entries...

Why this?
davis60 Wrote:Can you please vote for me in here http://www.lf-empire.de/forum/showthread.php?tid=8801
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