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+--- Thread: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD (/showthread.php?tid=6183)
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - empirefantasy - 03-07-2011
(03-07-2011, 06:00 PM)Ramond Wrote: Ah I didn't realise that this story had a conclusion. In that case disregard my last post. I just thought it was all you had for that topic (and the completely unrelated title).
I like the idea with the Little Fighters actually being the baddies this time. However, I don't think I need to tell you that you could try to improve on your English altogether for easier readability. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't need to be perfect or anything, sometimes I just need to read a sentence three times until I understand the bit.
Anyhow. You could maybe try to fit in a couple more indepth descriptions, that always makes things more interesting.
Sometimes I have difficutles on some sentences.Some phrases are taken from google translate.We are not all from england,neither from USA,so we don't understand with the first reading
.gif ";)")
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - empirefantasy - 03-08-2011
III THE REVOLUTION
Firen,Freeze and others started to live on their cave and started to make plans.Their plan was to attack the government and to take the power.But they needed forces to do that.Just some days later a big number of sorcerers came...
Sorcerer was peoples with magic skills.These peoples had been always against the laws,who lived in unpopulated places or sometimes in forests and when they heard for this revolutionary group and they thought to collaborate with them.They got dressed with a green cloak with a hood.With that hood,you couldn't see their face.They used wands.Their wands had the some skills like:fire balls,freeze balls,heal balls,healing themselves etc.
So with these powerful Sorcerer they could started the revolution.
Freeze said: Now the power will be ours!!!
Yes,-said Firen,-but now we need a good plan.
John is an expert,he is so smart and he has a impish mind,-said Freeze.
so,John started to thought his plan and he said:
Tomorrow,we will start to attack the city.Firen and Freeze will go downtown to kill everyone;Louis will stay in a longer distance to do his air push and hunters will attack by their arrows,around villages.Oh,I forgot,all Sorcerer will go together with Firen and Freeze.
And you!,-said one of the sorcerer.
I will stay here and will send and disc form this mountain which will chase the enemies...And if somebody want to receive blood should come directly to me.Also if you failed you can come back and others could not chase you because I will make lot of shield.
What! You will stay here while we will fight?!-said another sorcerer.
Oh my darling,I have thought to be a spy in the future.i don't want to look like a bad man at peoples's eyes...
Tomorrow morning Freeze,Firen and all sorcerers came back downtown.When the night came they start the attack!
Freeze started to freeze peoples,Firen started to burn shops,homes,trees and everything that he found in front of him.Strong winds was coming from nowhere.Louis was doing these winds.Even later peoples noticed him,they couldn't hit him,because he had a strong armor.Also in that fight some purple craniums and some other attacks with that color was coming from mountain...
That night would not over quickly.Contrariwise it was so long.
In the morning almost everything was destroyed.Along the war's night
Firen and Freeze made a fusion between them and created Firzen,called THE HORRIBLE FIRZEN! Firzen was very strong,he had mix between balls of fire and freeze and a kind of a long yellow ball.
Also,bandits collaborate with them,when they saw that they broke the rulers.Now Firzen(the most powerful and the leader),John and others had the power now.They destroyed the government and now the world change.
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - Reaper - 03-09-2011
First of, I like to see a quite different approach to the LF2-story. Grammar isn't great, but I don't mind as long as I can read it.
However, one thing that is bothering me is, that parts of your story read a bit like a summary. You can change that by adding more descriptions (like Ramond said) and by trying to write "closer" to the events. As if you were in the town when they attack.
I'm not too much of a fan of game-like attack names used in stories, but as long as it fits in, that is perfectly fine.
Anyway, I hope you'll keep writing some new chapters. Good luck.[/size]
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - empirefantasy - 03-09-2011
(03-09-2011, 02:58 PM)Reaper Wrote: First of, I like to see a quite different approach to the LF2-story. Grammar isn't great, but I don't mind as long as I can read it.
However, one thing that is bothering me is, that parts of your story read a bit like a summary. You can change that by adding more descriptions (like Ramond said) and by trying to write "closer" to the events. As if you were in the town when they attack.
I'm not too much of a fan of game-like attack names used in stories, but as long as it fits in, that is perfectly fine.
Anyway, I hope you'll keep writing some new chapters. Good luck.[/size]
I have used not so much details because is just the beginning.Now I will start to tell with more description.
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - Divisor - 03-09-2011
I apologize for my first comment, because I didn't think you will continue the story (you did not imply anywhere in your first post as well).
As for now...well, to put it bluntly, the grammar (and sometimes spelling) is bad. Not that I want to diss you, but that's a fact.
For a writer, one of the most basic conditions is mastery of language. Your English is understandable, but that's only enough for making short posts or comments, writing literature demands a higher level of language skills.
To improve, you might want to try spellchecks and checking more complicated sentences on Google to see if they are formed correctly.
The story isn't half-bad, so if you can manage to improve your writing skills this might turn out into a great story.
P.S.: You can begin with putting spaces after dots and commas, f.e:
Right Wrote:Firen, Freeze and others started to live on their cave and started to make plans. Their plan was to attack the government and to take the power.instead of
Wrong Wrote:Firen,Freeze and others started to live on their cave and started to make plans.Their plan was to attack the government and to take the power.
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - empirefantasy - 03-09-2011
IV THE DARK EMPIRE
After revolution Firen,Freeze,Louis,john had everything on their control.They put the absolute control on everything.Everything became their property.They took everything that they wanted.Nobody could stopped them.They decided strong rulers in their favor.Everyone must payed hard tax;everyone must done everything that they said.They had a terrible security and to keep it they took very prepared peoples.These peoples called "Knight".Knight were equipped with a strong armors on feet,all the body and on their head.Also they hold a sword in one of hand and a shield on the other hand.So,nobody could opposed...
Firzen(firen+freeze),their leader,thought to create a real kingdom.With that he means to build a tower.And all other members accepted and they took a lot of slaves to build it.It finished for a short time,(in fact they modified an old one).Slaves was normal peoples.
This tower called "FORBIDDEN TOWER".FORBIDDEN TOWER had a prison under it which was called "LEGENDARY STANLEY PRISON".
"LEGENDARY STANLEY PRISON" kept a lot of good peoples which was against this statement.In fact most of the peoples who opposed was killed,but a few of them stayed there.Conditions in STANLEY was terrible:no enough food,no enough water etc.
FORBIDDEN TOWER was on that mountain that they lived sometimes ago and so,there was a forest called "LION FOREST".This forest was all around tower's mountain.To go to FORBIDDEN TOWER,Must glide on another mountain.In this other mountain was built a wall,called "THE GREAT WALL".So to went the FORBIDDEN TOWER,needed to skip "LION FOREST" and then "THE GREAT WALL".Or another way which was more hard was to came from "QUEEN ISLAND"(which was a a frozen island with volcanoes),but if you came from there,you would not need to skip Lion Forest.
Most of the Knight stayed into tower;most of the sorcerers stayed around "Queen Island",but they was a lot into tower and "The Great Wall";bandits and hunters stayed everywhere because they was so much etc...
So this was the life after revolution.
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - Evil Sonidow - 03-10-2011
A wild helper (Divisor) has appeared!
Divisor uses ADVICE!
What do you do?
...
Backpack -> Trash can!
It is super effective!
Advice has been successfully thrown into garbage!
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - empirefantasy - 03-10-2011
(03-10-2011, 03:44 AM)Evil Sonidow Wrote: A wild helper (Divisor) has appeared!
Divisor uses ADVICE!
What do you do?
...
Backpack -> Trash can!
It is super effective!
Advice has been successfully thrown into garbage!
I did not read these advices,because I was writing.When I finished,I saw these advices.
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - oliveryungo - 03-10-2011
Okay I understood like...20%...
Yes, key point to writing stories-make sure the reader can understand.
The ones that bamboozled me the most-
""LEGENDARY STANLEY PRISON" kept a lot of good peoples which was against this statement."
"hunters stayed everywhere because they was so much etc..."
"on that mountain they they lived sometimes ago"
I totally did not get those. And of course random grammatical errors, etc, etc, blablabla....
Oh, and the extensive use of capitals is somewhat annoying.
RE: THE LEGENT OF (LF2) WORLD - Divisor - 03-10-2011
@empirefantasy
You thanked my post, but didn't bother to read it?
Well, let me sum it up for you:
tl; dr version
Your grammar sucks, the story isn't bad but your writing style makes it zero understandable. If you want to continue your writing, improve your English skills.