Adventure of Louis

[AmadisLFE]

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[Bla bla bla 44]

For the ones who have difficulties in reading this and for you Amadis i "fixed" the text:

One day Louis was just walking in the Lion Forest. Suddenly, he heard a scream. He ran there but there was no one. He started thinking about who screamed and then it became dark. Some lightnings had fallen on the ground where he almost got hit by one (he's not resistant to lighting because his armor is made out of steel). Then he heard another scream. This one was real and not just another imagination. Suddenly, a villager with her child told Louis that someone has trapped her family in the forests of the dark magic. All of a sudden, he heard a running sound. He looked behind and he saw Davis. He asked Davis what happened and why he was tired. Davis responded: "Louis u gotta come with me!" 'Pant' 'Pant'(are these sounds?). Louis was confused and asked him: "Why, what happened Davis? Why do you look so scared?"

What happened and why was Davis so scared? Find out later.

If someone can fix it better, please do.

Now about the story.
I don't know much about writing so i can't see some mistakes.
You could add some more details like how the weather went bad or how he met the villager.
Please continue this.

[Dr. Time]

I can see a lot of grammatical mistakes.A LOT.
And why no punctuation?

I suggest you fix the prologue before continuing to the next part.

EDIT 2- You have fixed the story a bit now. I have given this review based on your previous entry (i.e. the one I've quoted)

Old review(based on previous post.The previous post can be found here) (Click to View)

one day Louis was just walking in Lion Forest suddenly he heard a scream he ran there was no one he was thinking who screamed then it became dark some lightnings had fallen on ground where he almost hit by one (hes not resistant to lighting cause of his armor is steel) then he heard a scream again it was real not another imagination a villager with her child told Louis that some one has trapped her family in the forests of the dark magic suddenly he heard a running sound he looked behind he saw Davis he asked Davis what happened he was tired Davis: Louis u gotta come with me 'Pant' 'Pant'. Louis: What happened Davis why u look scared.
What Happened Why Davis Was Scared Find out Later

-You missed a lot of words that required capital letters in the beginning.For e.g. One day.
-No punctuation? If you're writing a story,you need punctuation. Sentences need to be closed using a full stop,etc. etc.
-You skipped a lot of words. Like as you said "walking in Lion Forest" is just not correct. It should have been "walking through the Lion Forest, when suddenly, he heard a scream."(Bla Bla's is also correct.) I could go on.
-"Lightnings had fallen on the ground" and "where he almost hit by one"?. Just doesn't make much sense, with incorrect grammar.
-Davis just comes out of nowhere. A little introduction would have been nice.
-Huge tip: Never EVER use short internet abbreviations when you're writing a story. You used "u gotta come with me" when Davis spoke.U for you in a story? Nope.
-As Triple Bla mentioned, we need more details.
-"'Pant' 'Pant'". Should not have described the panting like this. Does not make too much sense.
-Bla Bla mentioned this. You should add more details about the villager or about the weather. The villager literally appears out of nowhere. The weather too suddenly changes. Too quickly.
-The last sentence. Every word has a capital letter in the beginning.

0 I just wanted to say this. You've started a poll asking members "who's the main hero"? You should have decided that when you first thought of creating a story. Or maybe you could give both of them some roles.
0 A typo in the title. "Louise's story." Fix it.

This ends my review of the first chapter. Waiting for the next one. And don't worry, I'll give my c & c whenever possible.
~

Meh,too lazy to update review :P

[Electric2Shock]

- I can still see grammatical errors.
- I do appraise the plot, the names could be better. Dark Forest sounds bit too generic for my liking.
- I think speech passages should be placed in line breaks. Eg:

Davis: blablablub
Louis: blablablub
Davis: ^%&*(#
Louis: heh

- A space should be added after every period (fullstop).
- Use more punctuation, commas, quotation marks, semicolon, etc.