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Shane · 02-08-2013, 03:13 PM

9825
HI EVERYBODY!

Now, what's next? :P

ossiee · 02-08-2013, 03:22 PM

9826
Hi Lauli!

Lauli · 02-08-2013, 03:27 PM

9826
Hey Shane, you want to hear a thought or two about your story? I just read it.

Shane · 02-08-2013, 03:33 PM

(02-08-2013, 03:27 PM)Lauli Wrote: 9826
Hey Shane, you want to hear a thought or two about your story? I just read it.

Yeah, thoughts and such are always nice to know of, no matter whether it's positive or negative.

9828

ossiee · 02-08-2013, 03:35 PM

9829
i bet he will say somthing very stupid...

Shane · 02-08-2013, 03:39 PM

(02-08-2013, 03:35 PM)ossiee Wrote: 9829
i bet he will say somthing very stupid...

Criticism is important for mods, stories, fan fictions, and even songs.
Thus, I bet the opposite :P

9830...

ossiee · 02-08-2013, 04:08 PM

no, i mean, he will make fun out of it.... thats lauli.... and thats what i like about him....
9831...

Lauli · (This post was last modified: 02-08-2013, 04:16 PM by Lauli.)

9832
Okay, keep in mind that I only read the thing you just posted (Shane's Cave Story pt. 0), so I might lack any references.

It's a nice short story with quick pacing, so it doesn't feel like it needlessly protracts (?) passages that don't need protracting (lal). I like that. There are some themes that don't really add to anything though and seem a little stereotypish, for example mentioning magic or "Xanatos Gambit", or making Emily so developed for her age, or making a police man oh-so-perfectly-timed interrupt a wedding. And I also have the feeling that most of the characters have a very similar personality, and while there are one or two lines that are an exception, they tend to drift back into the one single personality again. I can't quite put my finger on that, it's just a feeling though.
Emily serves nicely as a storytelling device, like mentioning the keyword "gas chamber", it sort of foreshadows what's going to happen next; without Emily this wouldn't be the case. So good job on that! Also weird how somewhere it says that there's a gas poisonous to the touch, but Emily and Chantelle clearly are in the same room as they release the gas and the others die, so wouldn't basically everybody in the room die? How come they weren't affected by the gas? I mean, they put on the coats and everything, but even then; the gas would've just passed through the fiber and - contrary to protecting oneself from poisonous to the touch gas - Chantelle told Emily to remove her shoes.
And I think you also wrote "Shane" instead of "Shaun" once.
I really like the theme you created with bridesmaids wearing gas masks. There's a nice contrast between something pleasant (maids) and something negative (gas masks), on top of that it's a gang that murders people. That creates a really nice absurd theme.

LutiChris · 02-08-2013, 05:04 PM

[Image: tumblr_mhu26xxPqN1rxn2kjo1_400.gif]

9833

Lauli · (This post was last modified: 02-08-2013, 05:07 PM by Lauli.)

9834
Hi guys!

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CLOSE tha thread, I've had enough already, argh; I'm exhausted and my family needs me	17.14%	6	17.14%
CONTINUE counting (you won't even notice when the number is magically and silently increased; I've heard there are ninjas and a magician in the mod-team)	31.43%	11	31.43%
monetary PRICES; no, just kidding, who would give those, seriously now? maybe at least a single small forum award? you'd say	20.00%	7	20.00%
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