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I shouldn't have come online this evening. I've been away the whole day and now there's so much to read 
Anyway, while reading your story I almost forgot to look for things to improve which doesn't happen very often. Of course it's partly caused by the length, but's its goood nonetheless. I really saw the whole scenery in my head. Whole paragraphs for descriptions are probably judged differently by everyone. For me it has a certain flow if he describes the people and things step by step, winding up the whole story, for others it's rather boring.
Anyway, to the story.
I can't say much about the descriptions. Your doing great on those and intersperse a lot of sentences the reader has to think about. Plus you've got a lot of stylisitc figures. Also it's not only told out of the view of Angelus, but also in the way he would really describe it. With a mixture of "This is kinda weird and I don't really care" and "I'm someone special within something greater than I can see". Also I hope you make something out of the fact that Lycan's aren't like werewolves. If you don't, be preapared to be haunted by me forevermore.
For the first chapter, it's quite strange how he is first mesmerized by the girl and then doesn't think about here anymore. Also, the end is a bit short. If you want it like that, it's fine (like in films where there's something dangerous in a very short scene and then the film follows another plotline or the vision get's dark), but then you have to show that they are excited.
This is even more important because they are almost in panic at the start of the next chapter (I'd just run out of the forest, but well...)
I agree to Marshall btw. (I do that a lot nowadays), the sudden marriage is strange. The end however is very good. Especially the hectic style brings the events quite close to the reader. The action however is a lot more prominent than the horror. I don't know whether that's intended, but if not, the part where he is in the house and where he comes out and sees the shadows are almost predestined for a bit more of horror. As we are already at that part. For he says "he never replied", you should make him directly speak to his father.
It might be that I'm a little tired right now, but I don't understand this sentence:
Just as pretty much everybody (especially me), keep an eye open for repeated words and phrases. Unless you want to have an anaphora or highlights something or whatever, in short when they don't have a purpose, avoid them. Using some other connectors than the ones you have (and use frequently) might help as well. But be sure not to overdo it. Angelus doesn't seem like the type of guy who'd start the amjority of his sentences with "Nevertheless".
For errors: I'm just too tired to list them here. They are just a few, though. If they are important for you to find, I might list some tomorrow, but I ain't perfect in english grammar, either. Especially not in the parts where you're errors lie. It's mostly about the syntax in special constructions. Occasionally, you've also switched the tenses. I guess you'll find those parts when you look through it again.
Seeing how much you put into this I'd say, after reading all the comments and changing a few things you could showcase this on some place that is more foccused on writing. Maybe deviantart or something? There are more people who can give you improvement suggestions.
Anyway, I've got to read more of this. But now I've got to sleep :P
Everybody who is upset by spelling mistakes in my post will be banned.
Anyway, while reading your story I almost forgot to look for things to improve which doesn't happen very often. Of course it's partly caused by the length, but's its goood nonetheless. I really saw the whole scenery in my head. Whole paragraphs for descriptions are probably judged differently by everyone. For me it has a certain flow if he describes the people and things step by step, winding up the whole story, for others it's rather boring.
Quote:I know the chapters are shortFor this forum, they are pretty long. Not long enough for a real book though.
Anyway, to the story.
I can't say much about the descriptions. Your doing great on those and intersperse a lot of sentences the reader has to think about. Plus you've got a lot of stylisitc figures. Also it's not only told out of the view of Angelus, but also in the way he would really describe it. With a mixture of "This is kinda weird and I don't really care" and "I'm someone special within something greater than I can see". Also I hope you make something out of the fact that Lycan's aren't like werewolves. If you don't, be preapared to be haunted by me forevermore.
For the first chapter, it's quite strange how he is first mesmerized by the girl and then doesn't think about here anymore. Also, the end is a bit short. If you want it like that, it's fine (like in films where there's something dangerous in a very short scene and then the film follows another plotline or the vision get's dark), but then you have to show that they are excited.
This is even more important because they are almost in panic at the start of the next chapter (I'd just run out of the forest, but well...
)I agree to Marshall btw. (I do that a lot nowadays), the sudden marriage is strange. The end however is very good. Especially the hectic style brings the events quite close to the reader. The action however is a lot more prominent than the horror. I don't know whether that's intended, but if not, the part where he is in the house and where he comes out and sees the shadows are almost predestined for a bit more of horror. As we are already at that part. For he says "he never replied", you should make him directly speak to his father.
It might be that I'm a little tired right now, but I don't understand this sentence:
Quote:the shadow of a woman was being eaten alive by yet another shadowWhy is the shadow being eaten and not the woman?
Just as pretty much everybody (especially me
), keep an eye open for repeated words and phrases. Unless you want to have an anaphora or highlights something or whatever, in short when they don't have a purpose, avoid them. Using some other connectors than the ones you have (and use frequently) might help as well. But be sure not to overdo it. Angelus doesn't seem like the type of guy who'd start the amjority of his sentences with "Nevertheless".For errors: I'm just too tired to list them here. They are just a few, though. If they are important for you to find, I might list some tomorrow, but I ain't perfect in english grammar, either. Especially not in the parts where you're errors lie. It's mostly about the syntax in special constructions. Occasionally, you've also switched the tenses. I guess you'll find those parts when you look through it again.
Seeing how much you put into this I'd say, after reading all the comments and changing a few things you could showcase this on some place that is more foccused on writing. Maybe deviantart or something? There are more people who can give you improvement suggestions.
Anyway, I've got to read more of this. But now I've got to sleep :P
Everybody who is upset by spelling mistakes in my post will be banned.
| The Lost Global Mod edited this post 08-20-2010 11:23 PM because: |
| *reaper activates killer commeting spree ULTRA FINISH COMBO* ~ Phil you probably didn't even read all that, to say that it is ULTRA FINISH COMBO, did you? - Simoneon i am taking reaper serious. i read all this posts regardless of how long they are. .gif ";)") |