Chat
Discord
09-14-2010, 04:41 AM
(This post was last modified: 09-15-2010, 03:15 AM by Magnamancy.)
I got time to read it. ^^
It's pretty good, the english is a bit abstract but that's just your style. Using
paragraphs to separate key things is perfectly fine, but you can break up the
continuous story bits with paragraphs too, it makes it easier to read..gif ";)")
Aside from what others mentioned and Phil calling Alchez 'my dear boy' about
30 seconds after agreeing to teach him (where probably 'my boy', or indeed
'boy' would seem more natural I think) I enjoyed reading it.
Good luck.
Edit: ... Thanks BP. ^^;
It's pretty good, the english is a bit abstract but that's just your style. Using
paragraphs to separate key things is perfectly fine, but you can break up the
continuous story bits with paragraphs too, it makes it easier to read.
Aside from what others mentioned and Phil calling Alchez 'my dear boy' about
30 seconds after agreeing to teach him (where probably 'my boy', or indeed
'boy' would seem more natural I think) I enjoyed reading it.
Good luck.
Edit: ... Thanks BP. ^^;
| Silverthorn edited this post 09-14-2010 11:11 AM because: |
| "my dear boy" has a different meaning in other languages. For example, it can also (in a sarcastic way) have this "actually, I don't like you at all"-tone. |
Trust you're all well.