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05-20-2011, 01:57 PM
This is a quick mash-up of my ideas, but I promise to sit down, re-read the finished story and make a review. (Just in case these notes are nonsensical.)
Apperantly, you’re story is still in the build-up narrative stage and its problem is also still hidden. But since you’re quite dedicated, young and energetic, I firmly believe that you will finish it. The story method itself subconsciously reminded me (only now) of John Ringo, maybe because of the bow-arrow scene, which felt, in Mark’s shoes, as if Henry had a gun, and the inappropriately uttered word “backup”, maybe “aid” would be better?.. On the same note, I am quite interested in how you’ll tackle Jan’s perspective, because I, while quietly snickering to myself, expect some gang rape, but that’s not gonna happen, so what we have left, if not a sexual exploit, then a love interest, a motherly figure, or a devilish black-lethered & dominant sadomasochistic nymphet. I liked Mark's instantly recognisable “elbow in front” run, and the tongue in cheek chapter ending, which is becoming regular and I consider it a good thing for the story flow itself, for now, maybe, but how you'll surf through different personalities, when a battle starts (and I hope there will be one) is a wonder.
I have no remarks on grammar, but there’s something stylistically wrong with the following sentence:
He is some guy though. -> He looks like a tough guy though.
Apperantly, you’re story is still in the build-up narrative stage and its problem is also still hidden. But since you’re quite dedicated, young and energetic, I firmly believe that you will finish it. The story method itself subconsciously reminded me (only now) of John Ringo, maybe because of the bow-arrow scene, which felt, in Mark’s shoes, as if Henry had a gun, and the inappropriately uttered word “backup”, maybe “aid” would be better?.. On the same note, I am quite interested in how you’ll tackle Jan’s perspective, because I, while quietly snickering to myself, expect some gang rape, but that’s not gonna happen, so what we have left, if not a sexual exploit, then a love interest, a motherly figure, or a devilish black-lethered & dominant sadomasochistic nymphet. I liked Mark's instantly recognisable “elbow in front” run, and the tongue in cheek chapter ending, which is becoming regular and I consider it a good thing for the story flow itself, for now, maybe, but how you'll surf through different personalities, when a battle starts (and I hope there will be one) is a wonder.
I have no remarks on grammar, but there’s something stylistically wrong with the following sentence:
He is some guy though. -> He looks like a tough guy though.