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08-08-2011, 04:17 PM
Beginning is a bit short, but the other parts have reasonable lengths. A few notes:
- you say lvl in a game, in a story you should write 'level' out.
- Additional background information - Louis' bloodline, the monks - is always awesome.
- 'TM' sounds a bit weird in the LF2 world, but it does add a bit of humor.
- The part where Louis travels to Julian's castle is cut very short. Same goes for the first part of the fight against Julian. You described what Louis does in general, but not how they trade blows etc.
Davis/Dennis/Woody:
I guess most people see those three as brothers or good friends. I like your idea about their background story. 'troublesome trio' has a nice sound to it and I can certainly imagine them like that. However, if the rumour said that all females had disappeared a week ago, shouldn't people have noticed earlier? :P
Henry:
Even if you don't take the Phoenix Palm into account, with his Sonata he does seem like the calm and focussed guy who may very well have lived the live of a monk. Only thing about this chapter I don't like is the non-descriptive fight against the bandits. On another note you might expect Henry to think a bit more about his former life. After all, he later decides to try rescuing his stepmother.
John:
I personally like this part the most. As I read how all the fighters got their powers, I began to wonder about Davis/Dennis/Woody, though.
One suggestion: Your incorporating all the LF2-chars and special moves. What about the backgrounds? As in... Lion Forest, Arctic Volcano, Great Wall... In general we get a lot of information about the characters and what they are doing, but rather few about the environment. That would be the one big thing you could work on.
Grammar and style both are pretty good. One thing you really have to keep an eye on is the tense, though. You tend to switch a lot between present and past tense.
Anyway, good work you've done there. I look forward to seeing some more.
For deep: Having a sword is rather unusual in LF2 (Rudolf's katana isn't a real one and Knight is a subchar so he almsot doesn't count). I wonder how he got it and whether there is anything special about it?
- you say lvl in a game, in a story you should write 'level' out.
- Additional background information - Louis' bloodline, the monks - is always awesome.
- 'TM' sounds a bit weird in the LF2 world, but it does add a bit of humor.
- The part where Louis travels to Julian's castle is cut very short. Same goes for the first part of the fight against Julian. You described what Louis does in general, but not how they trade blows etc.
Davis/Dennis/Woody:
I guess most people see those three as brothers or good friends. I like your idea about their background story. 'troublesome trio' has a nice sound to it and I can certainly imagine them like that. However, if the rumour said that all females had disappeared a week ago, shouldn't people have noticed earlier? :P
Henry:
Even if you don't take the Phoenix Palm into account, with his Sonata he does seem like the calm and focussed guy who may very well have lived the live of a monk. Only thing about this chapter I don't like is the non-descriptive fight against the bandits. On another note you might expect Henry to think a bit more about his former life. After all, he later decides to try rescuing his stepmother.
John:
I personally like this part the most. As I read how all the fighters got their powers, I began to wonder about Davis/Dennis/Woody, though.
One suggestion: Your incorporating all the LF2-chars and special moves. What about the backgrounds? As in... Lion Forest, Arctic Volcano, Great Wall... In general we get a lot of information about the characters and what they are doing, but rather few about the environment. That would be the one big thing you could work on.
Grammar and style both are pretty good. One thing you really have to keep an eye on is the tense, though. You tend to switch a lot between present and past tense.
Anyway, good work you've done there. I look forward to seeing some more.
For deep: Having a sword is rather unusual in LF2 (Rudolf's katana isn't a real one and Knight is a subchar so he almsot doesn't count). I wonder how he got it and whether there is anything special about it?