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Jormungon - The Faceless Snake.
#3
First of, very nice for a first story. I like the story itself and that you connected it with an existing myth, even though there don't seem to be any similarities apart from both of them being a snake. Then again, I don't know much about norse mythology.
Grammar and spelling are quite fine. Although there are some mistakes (of course, serpent, colossal, a few missing commas or periods, capitalization) they don't disturb the reading flow. The tone of the story comes across rather casual, a little as if you were directly telling the story to someone, which is fine if that is what you are going for.
What you might want to work on are the scenes where the action happens. For example when they meet the serpent in the jungle, they are knocked out in just about one line (On that note, words like 'probably' can bedim and thus weaken action. Not always, but the threat exists).
Either way, good job. I hope you stay at it and we'll get to see more stories from you some other time.
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Messages In This Thread
Jormungon - The Faceless Snake. - by Dagger94 - 07-24-2012, 09:47 AM
RE: Jormungon - The Faceless Snake. - by Reaper - 07-25-2012, 09:28 AM
RE: Jormungon - The Faceless Snake. - by Dagger94 - 07-26-2012, 07:03 PM



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