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in response to bp (Click to View)
bp Wrote:Sudden switches in time. In retrospect, when I wrote this, the beginning ain't that bad. The fight scene between Louis+friends vs. Julian is much harder to read.
aaaaaannd you're talking about my past and present tenses? yeah, i have trouble with that. It was supposed to follow a 3rd person narrative. I thought i separated their "thoughts" with italics, but i guess that got removed...
edit: never mind they're back up. Sorry about the confusion there.
bp Wrote:Grammar and spell-check would've helped as well
yeah i must have kept over looking those because i read it like ten times and always found new mistakes and i thought i had gotten rid of most of them by now. :P
bp Wrote:Who is Jan? Not introduced before. Same with Louis and Henry (I'll let Monk slip). The "little fighters" is a new phrase added and not further explained.
Same as with Davis60: assume the reader has never played LF2. A little introduction to the "infamous Julian" would've been nice.
Good point, I just assumed everyone here would follow up since we all know the game but if i were to show my girlfriend this...
she would sure be perplexed and wouldn't understand any of the character's.
bp Wrote:The scene where Julian pops up until the Big Bang is really confusing. Even after reading it three times, I am still not sure if I've understood it correctly.
The whole fighting-scene at the end is extremely hard to follow too.
Well he's supposed to surprise the clone but he misses and I understand why that part is confusing. It lacks clarity and description i suppose?
Idk fight scenes usually get me, cuz i think in present tense like in a script and always have to look back on it for error's. And for that last fight scene i'll add more later to it, i just wanted them to fight without really thinking much of the actual fighting like i described in Julian vs Henry & Louis.
bp Wrote:The thing with the emotions of Rudolf and how it reflects upon the clones didn't make much sense to me. Also, the exact reasoning why they only listen to the Rudolf-clone and not Julian remains a mystery to me.
yeah that's still a mystery to me hahaha
edit: read the 2nd to last one
bp Wrote:In the beginning, you mentioned place-swaps ("meanwhile...", etc.). Somewhere in the middle, you abandoned that system. Why?
I got tired of using it over and over. It just sounded like it was draining the story somehow? I need to come up with a different way to use "place swaps" without using "meanwhile" as my main vocabulary word. Maybe they weren't needed in the first place? idk :P
bp Wrote:I thought, Julian smashed the ruby into Louis's armor. How does it suddenly end up in Rudolf's hand.
He doesn't, it gets implanted into Louis by force; and Louis tries to fight the power. In another story i will mention Louis's struggle between the gem and his will. And the next chapter in the saga will be Bat... so stay tuned for that. I forgot to mention when Julian gets back into his lair with Rudolf he gives him the gem and lets him follow Louis with him so he could absorb his power. Also another thing that is sort of implied in the story that is bothering me (i don't know how to explain it though cuz im not so sure myself) It seems to me i made it look like rudolf hurts his opponent when he transforms into them but in some parts they are already extremely exhausted from fighting. So i don't know what's up with that. Do you see anything else that needs to be clarified?
bp Wrote:Tossing that gem away when one wants to never see it again doesn't seem too smart. Why not destroy it?
Not many of the little fighter's are clever, especially Louis and Henry. I want them to feel oblivious to certain details. It also seems that no one questioned Rudolf's strange red glowing eyes, when his clone had attacked them last night. I should have made John shout out: "Why on earth did you kick it in the middle of the forest?! Great I hope this doesn't bare any further consequences like tonight."
bp Wrote:"the crate finally landed on the poor bastard"... is the swearing necessary?
"poor....sucker?" would have sufficed i guess...
bp Wrote:Wait, why did he leave the others again?
I know it's not really explained but i did mention he was blamed for a lot of what his clone did. And since he has the power to produce them it's his responsibly to make sure he doesn't disorderly. He fled prison and it was sort of implied that he was banished for the time being because the villagers didn't really want him there since they find him responsible for letting his "emotions" run wild ... literally (because each of the clones is set with their own personality at first: I didn't want to dwell too much into that and made them feel like minions or bandit's in a way).
bp Wrote:yours is a sheer behemoth of a tale. I expect a whole lot now.
maybe i was getting ahead of myself but thanks for the review.
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