Little Fighter: Calm Before the Storm

[klodasmone]

In this chapter more of the plot is revealed. We see a lot of retrospective, reflection and inner monologue. I, like Davis, yearn for some action. But that’s how you built your narrative. While reading I get an ominous feeling of something unknown, something bad that is going to happen. This chapter was heavy for me. I liked the depiction of Freeze as the antihero. Though I am uncertain about the “seven years ago”, or maybe that was a memory from Davis’ childhood. How old do you imagine Davis is at the present? Overall, still a very suspenseful, if somewhat stagnant, chapter.

Grammar like usual:

discuss dealing with John -> discuss how to deal with John (style)
looking forward to the getting some action again -> looking forward to get on/in the action again (style)

@Reaper
I was misguided by the “the”, so I reworked the whole sentence, but now I can see that it’s correct.

Reaper edited this post 05-13-2011 08:16 PM because:

Note: 'To look forward to' is followed by a verb + ing. 'Getting' was actually correct, only the 'the' shouldn't be there. I know it's weird, but it's true.

[Divisor]

I, like Davis, yearn for some action. But that’s how you built your narrative.

Indeed, introductory chapter are a must :P
It will get to action too, but first things first.

Though I am uncertain about the “seven years ago”, or maybe that was a memory from Davis’ childhood. How old do you imagine Davis is at the present?

Yeah, about that...I guess these "Little Fighters" aren't so "little" as one would expect. I would put them at 24-25 years old in the present, meaning they were 17-18 in the flashbacks.

EDIT:
That "the" was a typo :P

[empirefantasy]

Though I am uncertain about the “seven years ago”, or maybe that was a memory from Davis’ childhood. How old do you imagine Davis is at the present?

Yeah, about that...I guess these "Little Fighters" aren't so "little" as one would expect. I would put them at 24-25 years old in the present, meaning they were 17-18 in the flashbacks.

For me little fighters in game are 5 years old,while in selection menu they are 20-24 years old.

About chapter: like freeze and davis descriptions.
And this phrase is cool:"when he looked into Freeze's eyes…he saw only ice"

[Divisor]

Rudolf

»Lord Freeze will see you now.« A guard opened the door for him. Rudolf stepped into the cold hall, lighted by several chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. The room felt empty: aside from a long table in the center, it wasn't decorated at all. As expected from the northmen. Everything is bare, evident and serious. Just like the people. Freeze was standing at the far end of the table, his back turned to Rudolf. The latter loudly cleared his throat.
»You called.«
»Indeed.« Freeze turned to face him. The first thing Rudolf noticed were the eyes. Glass and light blue, they seemed like ice. They say it's rare to see him smile…maybe I get lucky.
»Do you have any idea why I summoned you?« Freeze continued, his voice being as cold as the room they were standing in.
»You are in need of my services. I could guess that.«
»And so I am.« He paused. »I need someone who can keep its mouth shut. A man who doesn't ask questions. Are you that man?«
»I am afraid I do ask questions. At least one, thata is.«
»And what would that question be.«
»How much?«
Freeze grinned. What do you know, I actually witnessed it. »Worry not, you will be rewarded appropriately. Half now, half when the job is done. Do you accept?«
Rudolf nodded.
»Good. Have a seat, so we have much to discuss.«

Freeze explained everything to the last detail. Rudolf was amazed. He was in this business for years, but most of his employers only named the target, without caring how he will execute the plan. But not this guy. He thought everything through. It won't be easy, but I've done harder than this.
»Very well,« he stood up from the table when they were finished. »I'll be on my way now. I believe you want it done as soon as possible.«
»That's correct.« Freeze approached him and offered his hand. When Rudolf shook it, the Lord of Frostlands gave him a sealed letter. »Take this to the treasuer. He will give you the advance, as we agreed.«
Rudolf nodded and walked away.
»Good luck« he heard Freeze's voice behind him, before the doors closed.
After he was done with the treasurer, Rudolf stepped out of the palace, notably happier with his purse being much heavier. He shivered when walking into the cold air again. Damn north. Who the hell would want to live up here, let alone rule these lands? Heh, I guess that's why northerners were never bothered by war too much. No southern lord would ever want to march up here. The Frostlands were actually the most peaceful land in the entire continent. Throughout the whole history, when the southern kingdoms were being torn apart by constant feudal wars, north was always unified under one ruler. Civil wars were almost non-existent, and dinasties changed rarely. There were maybe two cases when a ruler from the south tried to conquer north, but no one ever succeded. If one wanted to rule the Frostlands, he needed to be born there. On the other hand, northerners were never able to expand their rule beyond the usual borders. One Frostland lord was able to conquer and hold the Rockland mountains, but that was a long time ago.
Until now. If Lord Freeze comes through with his plans, then Frostlands will become the leading force on the continent. He smiled, when he realized that the fate of continent was in his hands.

[klodasmone]

The description of northern people and climate reminded me of the nietzschian equivalent of Hyperboreans. To quote what I mean:

-- Let us look each other in the face. We are Hyperboreans -- we know well enough how remote our place is. "Neither by land nor by water will you find the road to the Hyperboreans": even Pindar, in his day, knew that much about us. Beyond the North, beyond the ice, beyond death -- our life, our happiness...

The segment where Rudolf asks the question: »How much?« And Freeze grins is brilliantly worked out, because I smiled too with him, even on my second reading of the text. The characterizations are reflected in the actions the characters take or think (like being happier with heavier purse), which is great. My only critics is that maybe Freeze wasn’t flushed out as I thought he will be. But maybe that’s what you wanted to depict, i.e. some kind of nihilistic stoic of a man (like Gaara from Naruto) and not the sadistic bastard that I had imagined.

Grammar:
its mouth shut -> his mouth shut
Take this to the treasuer -> Take this to the treasuRer
realized that it the fate -> realized that the fate

[Divisor]

Henry

The Chairman needed some persuading.
»We must call the Assembly meeting immediately! The issue is of utmost importance!« Henry was running out of patience. Come on, do I need to repeat myself another five times?! After a moment of silence, the Chairman sighed.
»Fine, fine, you're starting to sound like a broken record. Come back in an hour, we'll be ready by then.«
»Thank you, sir.« Finally. Henry walked out of the chairman's office, giving the man a sharp glare just before turning his back to him. It always takes time before the most esteemed gentlemen gather around. Lazy bastards. The Great Assembly of Coastlands consisted of seven councillors all-together: a few were hard to put up with, and the Chairman was certainly one of them. He was a war veteran: the Supreme Commander of Coastland forces against the Empire. After the allied forces' victory, he escalated to the position of the Chairman, ending his military career. He displayed great prowess in leading the army, he was respected by the men and feared by his enemies. When he took the leadership of the Assembly though, it seemed as his brilliance was replaced by immense stubborness and conservatism.
Loud noises from the inn disctracted him from thinking any further. Two youngsters apparently drank a bit too much and got into a brawl. The guests were loudly cheering and placing bets on one or the other. As the Captain of the City Guard, it was his duty to break up the fight, but…but without backup, it might get messy. Henry checked if there was a guard around he could bring in to help him, but there did not seem to be any in the moment. Damn…I guess I'll just have to do it all by myself. He walked inside the inn.
»Hey! The hell do you think you're doing?« he shouted. Everyone in the inn turned towards him.
»Nothing,« one of the brawlers replied after a moment of silence »We're just…fooling around.«
»Yeah right you are. Break it up, or you're coming with me.«
»Oh yeah?« One of the guys stood up. He was big, muscular and wore shaded glasses. »And who's going to make us? You and what army?«
»It only takes a finger to beat the crap out the likes of you.« Henry replied. Arrogant a**hole. He is some guy though.
»Fine then. I'll only leave one of your fingers intact. You can choose which one« Without warning, the man ran towards him, putting his right elbow in front to try to shove him onto the ground. Henry dodged the big guy's attack, and swiftly ran to the other side of the room. Before the man regained balance, Henry pulled an arrow out of his sheath and cocked the bow.
The man tried to attack him again, but when seeing the arrowhead aimed at him, he remained still.
»Walk.« Henry commanded.
The brawler turned around and walked out of the inn. Henry followed him, with his bow still standing by. Outside, they encountered two guards, who came to investigate the ruckus.
»What's going on, sir?« One of them asked when seeing Henry with his prisoner.
»A little fight ensued at the inn. Tie this one up, and then go check if anyone else wants trouble.«
One of the guards tied the man's hands around his back and then went inside the inn with his partner. Henry approached the man.
»What's your name?«
»Mark.« the man replied, looking towards the ground.
»Well, Mark, it's your lucky day.«
Mark looked up. »Eh?«
»You seem like a tough fighter. It would be a shame letting your strength go to waste. I have a proposition for you: join the army, and I'll forget about that incident today.«
»I'm not the army kind of guy.«
»You'll be trained. Dark days are coming, and I need all the help I can get.«
Mark took a moment of silence.
»Will my record be wiped clean?«
»As a whistle.« Henry promised.
»I'm in then. What's next?«
»Next is teaching you how to actually win a fight. Follow me.«

[klodasmone]

This is a quick mash-up of my ideas, but I promise to sit down, re-read the finished story and make a review. (Just in case these notes are nonsensical.)

Apperantly, you’re story is still in the build-up narrative stage and its problem is also still hidden. But since you’re quite dedicated, young and energetic, I firmly believe that you will finish it. The story method itself subconsciously reminded me (only now) of John Ringo, maybe because of the bow-arrow scene, which felt, in Mark’s shoes, as if Henry had a gun, and the inappropriately uttered word “backup”, maybe “aid” would be better?.. On the same note, I am quite interested in how you’ll tackle Jan’s perspective, because I, while quietly snickering to myself, expect some gang rape, but that’s not gonna happen, so what we have left, if not a sexual exploit, then a love interest, a motherly figure, or a devilish black-lethered & dominant sadomasochistic nymphet. I liked Mark's instantly recognisable “elbow in front” run, and the tongue in cheek chapter ending, which is becoming regular and I consider it a good thing for the story flow itself, for now, maybe, but how you'll surf through different personalities, when a battle starts (and I hope there will be one) is a wonder.

I have no remarks on grammar, but there’s something stylistically wrong with the following sentence:
He is some guy though. -> He looks like a tough guy though.

[Reaper]

^You've put the options a female character in the story can have into just 4 schemes. I'm astonished, but not in a positive way.

On topic:
I'm not as astounded by the way you've pictured the characters as klodasmone, in fact I found the parts he highlighted to be rather generic (which is not bad in itself, it's just that for example killers are often depicted in the same way).
What I did however like very much is how you managed to adapt your style - not only the dialogues - to the characters. In my eyes, that's what makes your story really stand out and justifies (or, less harsh, gave a meaning to) the structure you chose. I hope you can keep that up, becasuse it will definitely keep my reading.

"backup" - to me - actually sounds better than "aid". It hits the City Guard/Army feeling just right.
@klodasmone: Please do mind your words. You're often balancing on the very edge of what is appropriate.

[Divisor]

Dennis

Along with his two companions, he was standing in front of the Lion Forest. The dense woodlands were covering a vast area in the western regions of Coastlands and eastern lands of Rocklands. The forest was known to be treacherous, no smart general would ever want to face their enemy inside the woods. Seven years ago, after successfully negotiating an alliance pact with Frostlands, the Coastlands army invaded Rocklands on the northern side, across the Great Fields. Just in case, they did leave a part of the army in front of the forest, but the Empire did not want to risk as well, which prompted the armies to meet on the Fields.
“We’ll camp on the first clearance we reach,” Dennis informed his two friends “it’s getting dark.”
Clearances were the best places travelers could camp on, since the interior of the forest was dangerous at night. Bigger ones were sometimes populated: the town of Fallentree was the biggest of woodland settlements. It was still a long way to Fallentree though and until then, the trio would have to sleep outdoors.
They agreed that they would stay together until the last crossroads, since it was safer to travel in bigger numbers. Lone travelers were easy prey for scavengers, and nobody wanted to have any business with them. If we have to fight sooner or later, I choose later. He disliked war, as opposed to eight years ago, when all three joined the army. Back then, they were eager to prove themselves, and Coastlands’ propaganda contributed to their ideals. They convinced the trio that the Empire was evil, having no regard for human life and capable of committing all kinds of atrocities. On the other hand, Coastlands’ goals were noble, benevolent and peace-bringing. Things, said about the imperial army turned out to be true, but Dennis learned that his side isn’t any better. He shall never forget the siege of Stonewall, the last obstacle between joint Coastlands and Frostlands army and the heart of the Empire: Queen’s Island. After weeks of besieging, the army was finally able to successfully storm the fortress. But instead of liberating the inhabitants from the autocratic regime, the city was sacked immediately. Dennis remembered helplessly watching soldiers loot and slay the unarmed men and women. Until the command to stand down came out, the city was almost completely plundered. This act finally convinced Dennis that there is nothing honorable in war, and since that day, he despised everything connected to it. But here I am once again…protecting the homeland. I just hope we can save the world before the history repeats itself.
By nightfall, they had reached a clearance, suitable for camping. They hurried to set up tents and a fireplace. Athough fire was likely to lure scavengers, it kept away the beasts on the other hand. After chatting a bit over the fire, eating some roasted meat and bread, Davis and Woody went to get some sleep, while Dennis had the first watch. He took a walk around the camp in order to stay awake. While walking, he thought he heard a strange noise coming from the trees, but it turned out to be just a squirrel. He remembered hearing all the stories about the Lion Forest, how people misteriously disappeared, how dismembered bodies were found lying under the trees and about seeing creatures and beasts that supposedly never existed. Dennis had already traveled through the forest some years ago and nothing happened to him, but one could never be too careful. Escpecially now, after hearing that man’s story. If Justin were still in the woods, then it might get messy. The Justin were humanoid creatures, who used to be humans, but got possessed by dark magic. Being the Empire’s most dangerous weapon, legions of Justin were used in the battles against the allied forces. They had the speed and strength, but were also mindless slaves, lacking the human intelligence and survival instinct.
Strange noises distracted Dennis from thinking any further. Squirrels again? He listened again. Sounds like…footsteps. He silently sneaked near a bush and crouched. The footsteps were getting louder. He peaked between the branches of the bush and noticed shady figures moving between the trees. At the same moment, he heard a noise coming from behind. When he turned around, he saw Davis coming from the tent.
“Hey,” he called to Dennis “I need to take a piss.”
sh*t. “Get down!!” he shouted. Davis reflexively threw himself on the ground, dodging an arrow that hit the tent instead.

[klodasmone]

@Reaper

I read literature every day, mostly poetry, sometimes prose, so I happen to come by good and bad literature, but I would call Divisor's story anything, but "generic". I had read your "LF - Davis' reign of chaos" - that was generic. Your other publications weren't LF2 related, if I remember correctly, and the beginnings were weak, so I only splash some water on your head, and not a whole bucket, when you're being stubborn by not acknowledging something written so good.

Also: Viva la free speech!