Waiting

[snorsorbet]

This is something I wrote in swedish class quiet a while ago... I posted it here because:

• I wanted to try to translate a not-too-long text.
  
• I want to hear your opinions about the short story.
  
• I was bored.

He gazed nervously at his worn-out watch, and then looked around in the decent room. One could see the
street filled by stressed people through a light window.
Soon.
He threw a quick gaze at his blue jeans, and took of his black, sturdy cap to get something to fiddle with.
Suddenly he arose from the warm and brown sofa, and started to stray between the white walls. The only
thing sounding in the room was his jeans, who lightly touched eachother for each step he took, and the
highly polished shoes' knocking against the floor, which echoed in the big room. He studied the irregular
mosaic on the floor with a sharp look. At a first glance the floor only looked gray, but after having studied
it more carefully he had found all but one color in the fascinating mosaic, and that was bright red.
He stopped tapping on his cap and put it down in his roomy pocket inside his coat. He held up the watch
against his ear and listened to the ticking. Tick. Tick. Tick. He unconsciously started to silently beat time
with his foot in rate with the ticking. He moved his left hand to his right and started to roll with his thumbs.
When would they come?
His look fell stressed on the sturdy door.
Very soon.
He went back to the fluffy sofa to sit down and count cars driving by.

He heard a door handle being oushed down and his look swept like an eagle to the door.
The men he had been waiting for entered.


Thanks for reading (I hope it was short enough for you to have the energy to read it, lol :P).

Please post spontaneous thoughts, and of course, critique, and once more: Thanks for reading!

[Silverthorn]

First thing I noticed.... You have a pretty choice of words, the only thing which I'd alter is the double-"looked" in the very first sentence. The rest reminds me strongly of Realism, a writing form which describes stuff extremely precisely without that it'll play a big role in the later ends of the story. Well, I can't really say if these things you described won't play a later role but I don't expect some clothing to have a big part
Well, you arose some good tension, I'd like to read more. If you're bored again.... go for it

[Lord Anu]

Not bad story... I like more fantasy stories(with swords, magic, bows...), but this is not bad
Please make more chapters and maybe I like it

[Reaper]

Wow, you have a really good writing style, I guess no mistakes( although "The only thing sounding in the room was his jeans, who lightly touched eachother" is probably not really correct, because of "was" and "each other") and its somehow interesting.
I normally wouldn't start so many sentences with "He", but its ok in a story like this where someone is thinking while nothing happens. Or in a very sad one, where somebody feeles empty and desperated.
So very good. And if you make a longer one, you can be sure I will have the energy to read it, too.

[snorsorbet]

Thanks for your reviews.

The first 'look' could have been changed to 'gazed' I guess, that was a bad mistake from my side.
I really tried to reflect the tense in the room and to catch the single moment. I'm not quiet sure myself of how long the story was (the time passing by), I guess it's up to the reader.
The fact that I explained various things very carefully and then just dropping it was just to add up some tense. I don't know how it really affects the reader though...

The part that Reaper pointed out, where his jeans sounded, I didn't know how to translate it; I guess that the swedish expression is a very extraordinary one which is hard to translate. (It is almost summed up as a single verb.)

I will, sadly, probably not continue the story as I want to give the reader some own space to think. I don't know what kind of men he was waiting for or why he is there at all. The only thing supposed to be solid in this story is the room, the waiting man and the street outside. The left is up to ones imagination. It will be very hard to keep it this way if I build up the story more.
But thanks for the comments. I will probably drop by here in the story section during the summer vacation to fill out some empty boredom :P

*still waiting for Phil to respond.

EDIT: Doulbe-look fixed (I hope )

[The Lost Global Mod]

*still waiting for Phil to respond.

haha RESPONDING.
really nice story, an huge amount of words, short and sweet, no grammar issues..
in short.. awesome
btw that reminds me on the first german test i had this school year. i had to write something similar.. nothing more to add.. just write more
comment... deadly past ... PLZ

lol wtf are you advertising? ~Ramond
hahalol ~ Blue Phoenix