LFE Chronicles- The Wrath of MH-Razen

[oliveryungo]

LFE Chronicles- The Wrath of MH-Razen has come to an end *dun dun dun*
Now, go post a lot of stuff about how awesome the story is
It's an awesome 3742 words!

Aw, comments needed!

[Bamboori]

awesome ending

i really liked the story, from the whole idea to the small jokes here and there (its hard to talk when your frozen :P).

superb

[Alblaka]

Epic XD

Exspecially the last few sentences *ROFLing*

Btw, somebody is interested to start a vote giving him the author award? Seriously, this was the one and only story that was actually exciting/hilarious enough to make me say "goddangit, when the next part is coming?".

[oliveryungo]

@Bamboori- actually, I get a lot of lines from books. Not that I searched them up, but some things stick in your head.
@Alblaka- Patience is a virtue (although I can't say that since I'm from Hong Kong). I only wrote this fast due to popular demand.
Offtopic- @Alblaka's sig- you forgot to include 'ever' at teh end XD
Anyway, this story is in fact a simple 'trusted guy goes mad, but is actually controlled by someone else'. I just juiced it up a bit XD
I plan to do something on the Eggpire and Duckpire conflict, but it'll probably be way shorter. Unless a wave of inspiration comes, which is what happened when I decided to write this story.
Any more comments on improving (DONT say anything about character development)?

I made a poll because I got bored

[Reaper]

Anyway, this story is in fact a simple 'trusted guy goes mad, but is actually controlled by someone else'. I just juiced it up a bit XD

I guess most of us got that, but the things that made your story special were the humor and the fact that it's playing in the... let's say LFE-universe (you get what I mean.)
Anyway, I have to say I haven't been completely convinced of your story (talking of more or less generic plot. Also in the middle it got a tiny bit repetitive, not much though), but the last part was just so hilarious... Everything else shall be forgotten... or almost.
For the next time I'd like you to try making the single persons even more unique (talking about characters). You're on a good way there, but that doesn't mean you couldn't improve even further. You know, it's not eggsactly about development AND you had a questionmark behind your sentence. I refrained from writing some more stuff about that, though.
Also, no matter how fast the ideas strike you, never post it on the same day. I'm not sure whether you have done that, but it's always good to have a night in between to reflect about stuff.
I ain't gonna talk about descriptions etc. It becomes clear that you can do that very well if you want to. Which brings us to the length. It's fine as it is, but the conflict between eggs and ducks shouldn't be too much shorter. Just for reference: My second longer story I posted here had around 11000 words. Nothing you should aim for as it was a completely different type of story, but you should never start something with the intention to end it quick. Start, say what has to be said and then end it when it feels right.
I think I said this somewhen before: When you're writing a story, but especially when writing about a conflict/ war it's important to have a continously developing storyline. Like if you hadn't got the prophecy etc. in this one, it would mainly consist of a series of battles (plus-point for you here). Nothing that has to be predefined, but things should lead somewhere. I hope you get what I mean.
Not much more I have to say. You should take care of not using the same words several times shortly after another as long as it hasn't got a purpose. The end was very good by the way. It perfectly fit to the story (karaoke, lol) and it didn't leave any stuff half-finished.

Btw, somebody is interested to start a vote giving him the author award?

Not to be mean or anything, but... As much as I enjoyed reading this story, one single story isn't enough for me to support an award (excluding an epic and epically long story like Zab's G4F Chronicles). Also, someone getting the author award has to be extraordinarily good in general story-writting which includes humor, realism of characters, character development, plot development, descriptions, creating atmospheres like suspense, sadness etc. and some other stuff I left out. And well, there are quite a few very good story writers that haven't got an award, especially Ramond and Phil (and BP it he wrote a bit more often or Divisor and maybe some others I haven't got in mind right now).
You're good in most of this stuff, great in some parts, but I can't say that you've reached the level of Zab and the like yet. Let's see how you next story will be. Getting the author award also is about writing a few more stories.
However, I've got nothing to do with the decision who get's an author award, anyway. Never tried to influence BP or MH in that matter, though. I should try it someday.
Sorry for not commenting that long, but I always like to say all I've got to say in one post.

[Alectric]

I lol'd at the ending.
The mod section should have a karaoke place.
and i thought the bit about all the bots we've slain was hilarious. Not sure how bots can count as family members :P
Nice story

[oliveryungo]

Thanks for all the comments!
@ Reaper- I was going to say one story really isn't enough for an award, bu if I did, it would sound as if I had an ego to rival Donald Trump's.

As for teh improvements- The upcoming Eggpire vs Duckpire conflict will (hopefully) have a different tone. I'll still try to insert a bit of humor, but since Reaper said I should write in different genres (or something) it'll take on a much darker tone, instead of the laughfest this story was.

[SirFrog]

Just came back and read this. Love the ending :3
Somehow, I managed to become epic... cool!
Anyway, I'd love to see more of your stories.

[Drahcir]

Sonidow, you accidently Reaper's post.

Ramond edited this post 08-10-2010 03:00 PM because:

lol awesome post +1