Thread Rating:
  • 2 Vote(s) - 3 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Journal of the Last Legatee
#1
.
Guess I got a bit star crazy... happens... rolleyes

Anyway, here are some old short stories about vampires and werewolves I'd written about a year ago. These are fictional stories compiled using events from the online browser game "BiteFight". It's a rather stiff browser game about vampires and werewolves, but it does inspire certain stories. I used to play as a werewolf but, as you'll see in the story, did not consider myself one. I stopped progressing it mainly because there were more events then I had time to write stories for, thus it all stopped being the one thing it was mainly supposed to be - fun. Though unfinished, I decided to post it here anyway... It still amazes me how fast I though up these texts, just seconds after the event had happened! :D

There is some mild violence, but nothing to get worried about. Besides, these ARE stories about the creatures of the night. Every entry I've written has been inspired by a certain event during the game. I also mentioned the events (lost, won, buddy request or just read the character description) and the players who caused them. Oh, the entries are sorted by coded date and time (example: "Entry 200802171845" once decoded means: "Entry 2008.02.17-18:45" ). Thought it was more interesting that way. 8)

Now, there are two ways for me to post them here. One: you can click on this link to download a nicely formatted PDF file and read all the stories in peace; or two: to post the stories one by one in this thread. Whichever you choose, just tell me. :s

Here's a spoiler: the stories prologue (Click to View)
.
So? What'cha think? :p

~edit: fixed the "vain" typo. Thanks, Zab. Will check the PDF for more errors. Please decide whether to post the rest or leave only as a link. cool
[Image: 79aec8f57054ce98dba10bbdbd570b2487160e17...d72f6g.jpg]

Stuff that usually go in a sig: Quick Links! (Click to View)
Project frontier. Lost all my hope, yet still keeping it about! ;) (Click to View)
Reply
Thanks given by:
#2
Dude....amazing. It feels good to read all the way through a text without bumps and bruises on my eyes (only one error. you have vane when it should've been vain) . Other than that, this was incredible read. It sounded even better because I was playing some background music. (The last song in the Naruto Shippudden ost to be exact. The one that's like 10 minutes LOL)

I am looking forward to reading more from you in the future man.
Escape is a two-syllable word that grants temporary peace in the present to a future victim.
Reply
Thanks given by:
#3
Wow, very very good... The first part was amazing, in the second part there were one or two things I would have done different( for example I don't really like the syntax in "Only then can they unite". Its great to get more variety, but if you use it several times it sounds a bit strange although its an anaphora/ parallelism in that case.) I have to admit that I didn't fully understand the last part... Are "the others" a new generation? What is Mavulise?
I wouldn't call it oblivion btw. In my eyes its not that fitting, also because I think oblivion isn't the thing that is important for them. Hatred is.( In a negative way) You know, they probably don't care whether there will be people remembering them, but living in a world full of hatred, without morality... Thats probably what they want to escape out of. At least I think so. Of course you could also say thats about a sense of living, but then oblivion is nevertheless only halfway fitting.
Oh and: "Hope that the others will find their way out of oblivion is strong enough to keep me going on my quest"
There you mixed the noun and the verb "will" I think. Shouldn't there be a to? Anyway I would rather think that its his will to get them out of oblivion that keeps him going. To give them the world they never had. That would be logical for me, but well...
And "Now I wonder", don't understand that, too. I would understand wander, but...
But well, its really amazing. Not that easy to understand though. But still just amazing. All of my critiques were just minor anyway and hardly relating your style of writing. So yeah, great.
I would prefer posting one chapter after each other btw. I don't know why but meh.
Reply
Thanks given by:
#4
Well I read only couple of sentence (because I hate reading a long things on PC) but it was already good, I like you describe things really nice,
I will print it and then read it but all other members you have to read the whole thing but this was just small what I read and still really good.
I am back, not really.
Reply
Thanks given by:
#5
(09-01-2009, 12:35 PM)Reaper Wrote:  Are "the others" a new generation? What is Mavulise?
I wouldn't call it oblivion btw. In my eyes its not that fitting, also because I think oblivion isn't the thing that is important for them. Hatred is.( In a negative way) You know, they probably don't care whether there will be people remembering them, but living in a world full of hatred, without morality... Thats probably what they want to escape out of. At least I think so. Of course you could also say thats about a sense of living, but then oblivion is nevertheless only halfway fitting.
Oh and: "Hope that the others will find their way out of oblivion is strong enough to keep me going on my quest"
There you mixed the noun and the verb "will" I think. Shouldn't there be a to?
Well, the idea of "Mavulise" is that they only resemble werewolves (or, in the original idea, werefoxes) but have completely different ways of living. They are not a new generation, they only resemble each other. If you payed attention to the prologue he said that they (the Mavulise) had to flee their collapsing world through a portal to a different dimension, but the passage went wrong. The oblivion he mentioned was referring to the place where he lost the rest of his kind (once the portal distorted) and he also calls it "vast emptiness between time and space". The term "oblivion" is not a metaphor for hatred here. Also, in it's current context "will" is a verb. :s

Reaper Wrote:Anyway I would rather think that its his will to get them out of oblivion that keeps him going. To give them the world they never had. That would be logical for me, but well...
He keeps going on because he believes that his kind will find a way out of the void. Meanwhile he made his mission to educate the "new" races he encountered and make this world better: "Only then can they unite and rebuild the reality that they never knew… only then can they become a Mavulise…"

Reaper Wrote:And "Now I wonder", don't understand that, too. I would understand wander, but...
Typing mistake. Was suppose to be "wander". I've fixed it. :O

Reaper Wrote:I would prefer posting one chapter after each other btw. I don't know why but meh.
I'll leave the link but post a few chapters at a time. Maybe I'll get more accurate reviews this way. ;)

Two first entries in the journal (Click to View)
.
[Image: 79aec8f57054ce98dba10bbdbd570b2487160e17...d72f6g.jpg]

Stuff that usually go in a sig: Quick Links! (Click to View)
Project frontier. Lost all my hope, yet still keeping it about! ;) (Click to View)
Reply
Thanks given by: Reaper
#6
Ok, finally I understood. We were talking on completely different purposes. I thought that he wasn't trying to help the ones living on that planet before. I thought he was searching for the others of his kind to help them... Because I didn't understood why there should be any of the others who could try to leave that cruel world behind any why its rebuild then. I've only heard that when it was about a new generation who hadn't have a good world all way through, never for a race that never had it. Plus I didn't know that Mavulise was referring to his kind. You've never said that. Still I don't like that part with the other's will find their way out of oblivion. Mainly because I don't see any relation. When they come out, why should they come out in the same world? He will never know whether they are out. If I was him, I would do it for the ones who have lived in hatred all the way... But thats your choice. His character just isn't familiar to me.
So yeah, a giant misunderstanding, I'm very sorry for that.
To the new texts: Pretty awesome again, though a bit short. Well, maybe there isn't any possibility to make them longer with so many events in that game. However, I would rather like to see longer and less part, but if you can show the development of his character and whatnot in it, it will be fine for me.
About mistakes: I can't find any mistakes in the second text, but about the first I ain't sure. "thus while it seemed as if I can still fight my knees where fluttering of exhaustion."
"my knees were" it should probably be and "it seemed as if I could". Because he couldn't. I ain't sure about whether all the tenses are correct, but I'll just believe in you. I don't want to write rubbish again :D
So yeah, if you can match together the parts( have matched together) so that they have the features a good story should have( depth etc.), it is just awesome.
Reply
Thanks given by:
#7
.
I've been busy working with the project and some other stuff lately. But since I already have it written, how about a few more entries? :s

3 more entries from the journal (Click to View)
.
Drat, the PDF is full of mistypes! I'll reload it once all the entries are uploaded and corrected. :(
[Image: 79aec8f57054ce98dba10bbdbd570b2487160e17...d72f6g.jpg]

Stuff that usually go in a sig: Quick Links! (Click to View)
Project frontier. Lost all my hope, yet still keeping it about! ;) (Click to View)
Reply
Thanks given by:
#8
Still haven't corrected the PDF file (at this pace it'll be done in a year or two... maybe... Facepalm ) but I am checking the texts before posting 'em. And since my visits are rather scarce these days, thought I better post a few more stories just so as to have some activity on the forum... :P

Oh, you'll notice some stories are connected. Check the player's names. I've also started color-coding the events. Though it looks like I did that before as well, in truth I just started. ;)

.
Hmm... wonder when will I post next...?
Guess once I get some input. :lol:
[Image: 79aec8f57054ce98dba10bbdbd570b2487160e17...d72f6g.jpg]

Stuff that usually go in a sig: Quick Links! (Click to View)
Project frontier. Lost all my hope, yet still keeping it about! ;) (Click to View)
Reply
Thanks given by:




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)