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Unnamed Story - Eddie
#1
Right, this is a story I was writing long ago and didn't get very far into it. My computer got restarted and I lost 10 chapters because I didn't send them to anyone for back up, so I've got to rebuild those chapters now.

I remember the basic storyline so maybe that was just a god given chance to improve my work. What I've got for you now is a prologue, chapter one and chapter two. I've almost rewritten chapter 3 and so that should come out relatively soon, I hope this is okay with any of you guys that are interested in reading, I know that mainly goes to people like Phil and Reaper who love this section to their hearts content, but I hope you enjoy anyway.

Chapter One (Click to View)
Chapter Two (Click to View)

Well I hope you all enjoyed it so far, I know the chapters are short but I'll probably end up going over them after I've written the base story, padding them out and making them a bit more awesome I suppose. This was never supposed to be a short story, so there are going to be lots of chapters to come, lots of them. Let's just hope you aren't tired of reading them already!

Thanks for reading though,


Eddie
One day, I shall become, TUTORIAL-MAN: Superhero of writing overly long, overly annoying tutorials which most people probably won't read, but will give it a stab at the first 5 lines!
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#2
Amazing story, but try starting with an epic scene,
cause that's what makes readers hooked to the story.
But really, this story is really nice ,in detail and unexpected events keeps happening.
I love it! XD
Hi there! I like writing stories, and playing lf2 mods.
This is the current stories I'm working on.

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#3
>but try starting with an epic scene
I think that's what he's attempting to :P

Anyway, I'm a bit short of time atm, but I've already spotted a few glaring problems by just reading the first three lines of the prologue (maybe I'll read more in the evening)

>bearing no form of flesh or skin and any point
and any point? you meant at any point? Or you could have just been fine with bearing no form of flesh or skin fullstop.

>waving in the strength of the blustering wind. The wind whistling as it blows past his body, then whistling at a higher pitch as it cuts past a giant blade, thrust into the ground
blistering wind, not blustering. presumably a typo
...blustering wind. The wind... sounds silly. How about pronouns?
the thrust into the ground bit is not connected to the sentence very well. I had to read three times to get what is thrust into the ground because the previous half of the sentence has been mainly on the wind.




you don't want to see this (Click to View)
avatar by Una
the other by xFire
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#4
Haven't read chapter 2 (homework!) but this story seems to be good. Looking forward to the story. It looks - well - interesting. But you should do more direct speeches to make the reader more involved in the story. It's like
we're being told, which is kinda strange.
That's all I could think of.
edit: YAY 444th post!
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#5
Wow amazing! Your good at writing story. I esspecialy like the prologue (dunno why).

"who would have thought that doing some thing for the good of every one would leave you being cursed"

i really liked that.
"I'm the president of the shadow government
The grand governor of the federal reserve
Public enemy of the society
The one you cannot see the thirty three degree"
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#6
A little feedback.

Writing wise, I don't think it's a good idea to dedicate a whole paragraph (might be exaggerated, but that's how long it felt) in describing a person. Rather, add the descriptions as the story unfolds because I really want to skip it. Not saying you do without descriptions of course, but I think the story would certainly benefit from a more subtle form of description for the sake of flow.

Story wise it's not too bad. The major flaw I see now is his sudden marriage. You have to convey to the reader somehow that these sort of marriages are normal in the village/town your character is in. It's certainly not the case of the majority of those reading your story, so you just have to infuse some background tradition sort of info to make it believable. At the moment, I just went wth when I read it.
you don't want to see this (Click to View)
avatar by Una
the other by xFire
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#7
I shouldn't have come online this evening. I've been away the whole day and now there's so much to read :D
Anyway, while reading your story I almost forgot to look for things to improve which doesn't happen very often. Of course it's partly caused by the length, but's its goood nonetheless. I really saw the whole scenery in my head. Whole paragraphs for descriptions are probably judged differently by everyone. For me it has a certain flow if he describes the people and things step by step, winding up the whole story, for others it's rather boring.
Quote:I know the chapters are short
For this forum, they are pretty long. Not long enough for a real book though.
Anyway, to the story.
I can't say much about the descriptions. Your doing great on those and intersperse a lot of sentences the reader has to think about. Plus you've got a lot of stylisitc figures. Also it's not only told out of the view of Angelus, but also in the way he would really describe it. With a mixture of "This is kinda weird and I don't really care" and "I'm someone special within something greater than I can see". Also I hope you make something out of the fact that Lycan's aren't like werewolves. If you don't, be preapared to be haunted by me forevermore.
For the first chapter, it's quite strange how he is first mesmerized by the girl and then doesn't think about here anymore. Also, the end is a bit short. If you want it like that, it's fine (like in films where there's something dangerous in a very short scene and then the film follows another plotline or the vision get's dark), but then you have to show that they are excited.
This is even more important because they are almost in panic at the start of the next chapter (I'd just run out of the forest, but well... :D)
I agree to Marshall btw. (I do that a lot nowadays), the sudden marriage is strange. The end however is very good. Especially the hectic style brings the events quite close to the reader. The action however is a lot more prominent than the horror. I don't know whether that's intended, but if not, the part where he is in the house and where he comes out and sees the shadows are almost predestined for a bit more of horror. As we are already at that part. For he says "he never replied", you should make him directly speak to his father.
It might be that I'm a little tired right now, but I don't understand this sentence:
Quote:the shadow of a woman was being eaten alive by yet another shadow
Why is the shadow being eaten and not the woman?
Just as pretty much everybody (especially me :D), keep an eye open for repeated words and phrases. Unless you want to have an anaphora or highlights something or whatever, in short when they don't have a purpose, avoid them. Using some other connectors than the ones you have (and use frequently) might help as well. But be sure not to overdo it. Angelus doesn't seem like the type of guy who'd start the amjority of his sentences with "Nevertheless".
For errors: I'm just too tired to list them here. They are just a few, though. If they are important for you to find, I might list some tomorrow, but I ain't perfect in english grammar, either. Especially not in the parts where you're errors lie. It's mostly about the syntax in special constructions. Occasionally, you've also switched the tenses. I guess you'll find those parts when you look through it again.
Seeing how much you put into this I'd say, after reading all the comments and changing a few things you could showcase this on some place that is more foccused on writing. Maybe deviantart or something? There are more people who can give you improvement suggestions.
Anyway, I've got to read more of this. But now I've got to sleep :P
Everybody who is upset by spelling mistakes in my post will be banned.

The Lost Global Mod edited this post 08-20-2010 11:23 PM because:
*reaper activates killer commeting spree ULTRA FINISH COMBO* ~ Phil
you probably didn't even read all that, to say that it is ULTRA FINISH COMBO, did you? - Simoneon
i am taking reaper serious. i read all this posts regardless of how long they are. ;)
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