Evil empire of Julian

[chonkasaurusbotato]

Nobody went into the lion forest, because there were so many lions, hunters and bandits. One day a man called Davis went there. He saw the lions den. He thought "Hmmmm. If I keep going, lions might kill me. Better I should blow up the whole den at night." So at night every lion was sleeping in the den. Davis secretly charged up for a dragon blast. Then he said "LIONS, EAT THIS! DRAGON BLAST!" Then in seconds the den and the lions were blown up.

to be continued.......

[Electric2Shock]

Ok, try to make a beter storyline please....... the phrases like "Nobody went into the lion forest, because there were so many lions" and "a man called Davis" It is the worst phrase I have ever seen. Phrases like "If I keep going, lions might kill me" and "at night every lion was sleeping in the den" is COMMON SENSE AND try to make it a litle more exciting please. I dont like this kinda storys. But still, best of luck!

[chonkasaurusbotato]

Next time he saw some bandits and hunters around an area. They had really good food. Davis had been starving for 4 days now. He thought of killing them. Yes, he had to do it. To go to the stanley prison to free his friends he had to do it. Then he jumped out of the bush he was hiding in. All the hunters shot arrows. Davis dodged them all, because his friend henry had taught him how to dodge arrows. He shot energy blasts at them instead. Then they had a fierce battle. 48 weak men against 1 strong man.Davis killed them and got their supplies.

to be continued.............

[Electric2Shock]

Spelling mistakes....

1.Davis dodge them all. It should be dodged
2.and got there supplies. It should be their

[empirefantasy]

@kushagrajanik

Before posting a story,you need to be good in English and to write longer chapters.
Your chapters are too short,in fact they are pharagraphs.Try to write longer.

Reaper may become annoyed from this very poor thread in story section.

[prince_freeza]

well would you give the guy a f**king brake? (elecshock) I mean really, the replays i just read are so infuriating.

its his first story, so nobodys perfect from the begining. And you keep telling him "oh its for kids" or "these are common phrases"
so give him some time to practice.

@me'n'mine: you should know better, remmember when u first started spriting? You werent that good right from the start. So plz be more conciderate.

@kushagra: i like the simplicity in the story, its easy for me to read and interesting in the same time. Am sure ull get better in the future. Post some more plz.

[MnM]

I know dude, i am not harsh either. I was just saying him to make it more interesting for people. I know it gets better with practise. So , dont mistake me kushagrajaink. Sorry , if i hurted u.

[Reaper]

Reaper may become annoyed from this very poor thread in story section.

Why would I? I'm happy about everyone trying his hand at writing. Besides, I've seen a lot of people in here who have continously improved their writing. o master has fallen from heaven :P


Anyway, looking at your post dates, you wrote the second part just 12 minutes after the first. This is not the way I'd advice you to do it. In fact, I usually wait atleast 24 hours before I post a chapter, with at least 2 proof-readings in between. While you don't have to do it that way, you should definitely read it a few times before posting, keeping an eye out for grammar (which is mostly fine, though) and "feeling" of the story. Don't hesitate to rewrite a part if you don't like it. We much rather want to read one good chapter instead of 3 mediocre ones.
Another thing I noticed (and which is very common among people who start writing stories) is an overusage of "then". If you say: "This happened... and this... and then this...", the reader won't get a connection to the story, it will just pass by.
But - as already mentioned - only practice makes perfect. Just keep on writing and you'll see how you become better and better.

[Simoneon]

Before posting a story,you need to be good in English and to write longer chapters.
Your chapters are too short,in fact they are pharagraphs.Try to write longer.

http://www.lf-empire.de/forum/showthread.php?tid=6183
Was your first story very good? Oh, it obviously wasn't!
Instead you could motivate him to work harder, by being nice.

To put it in your understandable way:

HE writes a sucky story -> YOU give him motivation -> HE gets motivated -> HE posts more, aka IMPROVES ALOT -> we all become happier.
You may say, ''BUT SOMIN HOW COME HE CAN OVERPOST THESE SUCKY STORIES ALL OVER THE PLACE AND JUST THEN IMPROVE... IT'S ANNOYING!!@#BBQ!!@''. Well, in my opinion, the only way cleverness can grow is by time.

Ignore what I just said, it probably doesn't even make sense, meh

OP: Good. Try to improve your grammar (start reading english books or something else, if you're not able to), and write more text. But more importantly, first get an idea, then take a sheet of paper and write down a plan for your text (which can be anything you want), then try to make a nice structure of text, and THEN write it. You can't improvise here

[Divisor]

Pretty uninteresting and straightforward plot.
It's basicly "Davis goes there, Davis does that, Davis kicks a** like Chuck Norris, etc."

I know, it's only two chapters and too early to say anything more, but even those chapters need improving. If you want, I could show you how I would have done it, so you can get a rough idea on storytelling.