The Demonlord Chronicles

[Alblaka]

TDC is a story project of mine, started a few months ago, basing off an interesting set of plotides I had.
Give the common language of sides I could promote the storys on, I'd decided to write them in English language, thus they can very well be posted here.

Story is a part-based Fantasy Novel about the drastic changes in the life of a simple being.
Be advised, the story does contain cruelity and potential gore (read: explicit descriptions of blood and/or severe wounds) probably not suited for younger audience, I'm not responsible for any psychic damage you may take. Or physical eye-damage, caused by severe burns due to crappy English.

Mainly promoting this story on my own website, will try to remember updating this post as well, though.


edit:In case somebody is using the Red Theme:
Be advised, the story does contain cruelity and potential gore (read: explicit descriptions of blood and/or severe wounds) probably not suited for younger audience

editedit: All attachments replaced with a single compacted file.

[Reaper]

First of all and completly unrelated, the notice that appears when you first go to industrialcraft totally cracked me up.
I've only finished the first part right now, but I will surely check out the rest once I've got time. Either way, I'll give you a bit of feedback about what I've read so far.
The prologue is quite awesome. It immediately makes you want to know what's going on and makes you feel like your in the story.
Your english isn't nearly as bad as you say yourself. There were some tenses-errors, some misspellings - like then/than - and maybe a few others, but nothing that affected the readability in any way. One thing though: Past form of need is needed, not ned. A ned is a colloquial word for a scoundrel.
The writing itself is great. Right now, I don't know anything specific for you to improve. What you should keep your focus on is plausibility. From what I've read so far, Ajans father has done quite a bit of adventuring as well and could possibly be a hero in his own book. That Ajan can beat him at the age of thirteen seems unlikely to me. Especially as he says his father isn't all that old. (On that note: We didn't really get to know much about how any of the characters look like.) In actual fights, not only his limited experience but also physical boundaries will delimitate his strength.
Moving on, wolves don't hunt only at night, in fact they will quite often hunt during daytime - about dawn specifically I don't know.
Edit: Internet is a little ambiguous on this. Some say only at night, some say at all times and some say at dusk and dawn mostly.
Interestingly they will - if they attack humans which doesn't happen all that often hardly ever happens if the wolves don't have rabies - mostly attack children, though they can recognize if somebody is armed, in which case they might refrain from attacking. According to wikipedia, that is. I don't know how long wolves take to kill somebody, but it might not be long enough for his father to come to the rescue, especially if they happen to hunt in a pack.
Another thing: In the part about the wolves Ajan says he'd be safe at dawn. Just a couple lines later he talks about how the sky had already become pitch black. That sounds a lot more like dusk to me.
Just coming to my attention: Considering that Ajan first asked whether he is a "chest" containing that something, he is surprisingly cool-headed afterwards.

Guess that's it for a first impression. I'll try to flesh out a more detailed review once I've read the whole story as of now.

[Alblaka]

Past form of need is needed, not ned.

Wait, what? Ok, that's new to me...
*checks 2 dictionarys* Uhm... Either i'm too stupid to find it, or that's really "needed".
I was sure we were taught "ned" :/

That Ajan can beat him at the age of thirteen seems unlikely

Father didn't fight seriously. Or would you, as a veteran fighter, fight full force against your 13-years old son?

We didn't really get to know much about how any of the characters look like.

That's a thing I always include in all of my storys: I only give the minimal graphical information necessary. Permits readers to imagine the characters by themselves, often causing them to interpret their own appearance into the story > much better reading-experience.

wolves don't hunt only at night

Hmmm... Shouldn't throw around with semi-related random facts, should I? XD

dawn ... dusk

May very well mistook those two >.< Commonly do.

he is surprisingly cool-headed

A trait you will see on him a few more times along the storyline. Probably sort of too sudden moodchange though, will watch out for such inconsistencys.

Many thanks for the feedback, sort of the only usefull one i've gotten so far (Posting storys on websites you're popular sort of gives them loads of attention, but as well quite alot useless "OMG AWESOME STORY MADE BY GODLIKE ALBLAKA SO COOOLZ!!1!" - "critique" >.>).

[Hero destroyer]

I'm sure it's needed, not ned.

[Lord Anu]

So far I've readed to part 3. I got no complains on your english(it's better than mine when it comes to writing ) and about the story itself... Just a little I miss characters description, how they look... I like it more when you(autor) writes; he has hair like this, eyes like this, few info about body or clothes and so on...(outlook tells a lot about person) As for the story. It's really great. I enjoy reading such dark fantasy and a bit romance between Ajan and that wolf girl Srazih. It's just unusual to me that Srazih can get so close to Ajan who's complete stranger to her :o Either way, he must be very pretty boy or he must have something in heart that attracts women. Keep it up mate =3

BTW: I'm using red and I see it anyway =3

(useless quotes: "OMG AWESOME STORY MADE BY GODLIKE ALBLAKA SO COOOLZ!!1!" - "critique" >.>).

I lold. X,D

[Marko pro]

You can post some sprite to the text more visable
btw,i like it.

[Alblaka]

Appears I can only attach 5 files per post... means I can't exactly put all of them into the first one.
For better visibility, I honestly recommend checking the stories via the thread on my own forum.
Will keep attaching new parts with further posts here, as well, though.

Enjoy reading.

[The Lost Global Mod]

seriously why do you double post? ARE YOU INSANE??


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why not, zip every zip in one zip and then upload it to zippyshare and post the zip-link here to show your zipped work?

[Alblaka]

seriously why do you double post? ARE YOU INSANE??


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why not, zip every zip in one zip and then upload it to zippyshare and post the zip-link here to show your zipped work?

I'm currently at war with filehosters... but je, just zipping all the stories and putting them into one attachment sort of sounds more reasonable... I definitely have to get the logic section of my brain checked for not considering that in first place

[The Lost Global Mod]

why? because of sopa, pipa, acta, tfig?
it's not like you upload something illegal lol
also i don't think zippyshare is big enough to be checked out.

issues in the logic section must be a dcers greatest nemesis.