Haunted Little Fighter: The Story

[qwertz143]

sorry chapters will be posted very slowly as i have to study

Haunted Little Fighter: The Story

[spoilerrologue]It was a bright and sunny morning. Master Chief had just come back from the planet ‘Halo’. He was riding stylishly on his dune buggy which he called a ‘Warthog’. He was on his way to Mushroom Kingdom to tell his best friend Peach about his adventures when suddenly he was caught in some sort of dark illusion that suddenly appeared. “A black hole!” he exclaimed, “On the middle of the road too… What the hell’s going on?” Suddenly a huge eye loomed from within the black hole like a foggy silhouette of despair. “What the…” he uttered before he got sucked into the illusion and disappeared.[/spoiler]

Please give editorials and correct mistakes spelling grammar...

[Sonic Boom]

It is kinda interesting but, isn't that peach and mushroom thing from mario?

[Silverthorn]

So hold on. Master Chief/Halo, Mushroom Kingdom/Peach/Mario, and Sauron/LotR in one paragraph? Well, this is going to be interesting....

Also, I have not fully understood how this is related to "Haunted Little Fighter". Hope this will clear up soon, considering that the length of the prologue could certainly be a tad more elaborate.

As for the way of writing, try to avoid slang-like terms.
• He was riding stylishly
Except for a little smirk from the reader, this is not helping in building up any imagery. How do you ride "stylishly" on a buggy? Steering with the help of your feet while pushing the pedals with your forehead? I really cannot think of anything that would properly fit in here.
• caught in some sort of dark illusion
"Some sort" is really not describing a whole lot. Write about what happens, how you can tell that this is, in fact, a dark illusion. I could apply the same to the term "dark illusion" as well, but I guess, you get the point already.
• "What the"
Only use repititions when you know what you're doing. They're a nice stylistic figure that help bringing one's point accross, but in this context, starting two, almost consecutive, sentences with the same phrase (which also goes rather into the slang-category than the literary area) is not beneficial for adding value to the story.
• a foggy silhouette of despair
Quite a nice metaphor. First time I read that combination. However, it does not make up for anything. When you write, always think about what you want the reader to think of while reading your story. And, quite frankly, the reason I have not seen this combination before is because I cannot imagine anything that would make the two fitting together. How does despair look like? Or rather, how would it look like veiled in fog? Be careful when choosing stylistic devices; when you know what you're doing, you can achieve some great effects, but when you just wish to put it in there for the sake of having some, it'll backfire.

Hmm, looks like I wrote more than the actual story. Kind of reminds me of my poem interpretations from school xD

Either way, hope you'll keep those points in mind when continuing

[qwertz143]

Chapter 1 (Click to View)

Without, the night was cold and wet, but in the small parlor at Kenshii Villa, the blinds were drawn and the fire burnt brightly. Two ninjas, one experienced and older and the other an amateur, were at chess, the former, who possessed ideas about the game involving radical changes, putting his king into such sharp and unnecessary perils that it even provoked comment from the drunk ninja who was periodically puking on the leather sofa. Suddenly, the whole place became quiet. A man with a ponytail, dressed in a blue kimono entered the parlor, holding a glistening shuuriken in his hand. The drunken ninja suddenly got up and walked up to the man. “M…Mm…Master Rudolf…” he said before puking onto the man’s wooden sandals. The man, extremely offended, shoved the drunken ninja against the wall, held him by the scruff of his neck, whacked the shuuriken into his neck, in such a way that he got pinned to the wall and then took out a katana from the left inner pocket of his kimono and slashed the drunken ninja’s stomach, which spewed out lots of blood and also some whisky could be seen. The katana was so sharp; that it pierced his stomach, just as a heated knife would pierce butter. The man then took off his wooden sandals and stuffed them into the drunken ninja’s mouth. “Gentlemen” he said, “I’ve got a meeting with this guy called ‘The Guy’ tomorrow.” “You’re point being?” said the amateur ninja, before quickly adding “eh, umm… Master Rudolf?” Rudolf just smirked and said, “Because I will most probably need reinforcements.”

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um please correct mistakes again...

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Chapter 2 (Click to View)

All Master Chief could see was purple haze swirling all around him. His Warthog, guns, everything of his disappeared and he was just floating. He was getting chills in his stomach and his beloved helmet was gone. He felt that he was going to die of boredom and to him every second felt like years. He started to become hysterical and then shouted, “HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE? I THINK I’M GETTING FACIAL HAIR AGAIN!” and then he fell to the ground. He then got up to find out that, he had arrived at Peach’s Castle, and he had all of his equipment and the Warthog. “Wow, I arrived here!” he said, “This even faster than a ‘Banshee.’” He then walked towards the castle, and looked at its window and to his surprise, he saw a creature (or that’s what he thought it was) with the most crimson eyes he had ever seen. He then heard a blood-curling shriek, and from the castle window fell a head. Master Chief advanced further towards the head, and when he reached there, he looked straight into his best friend’s eyes. Grief hit like a tidal wave of shock when he saw Princess Peach’s beautiful visage lying on the spring green lawn. Trying to control his tears, he then looked at the castle entrance to see the same creature with a man in a blue kimono. The creature then started chanting strange hymns and the sky became gloomy. “Let everyone be haunted,” the creature, shouted and there was a loud crack of thunder. Master Chief and the man in the blue kimono felt a shock at the exact same time. Then the man shouted “Yes, it worked I am now super-powered!” The creature then shouted on a megaphone “This castle now belongs to me. I have kidnapped Mario, everyone’s favorite plumber, and he is locked in the castle. You cannot get past me. We are now ‘Haunted Little Fighters’. The man then went to the yard to check out his moves and Master Chief stealthily followed him. He then saw the man talking to a huge ten-foot tall sinewy giant. The giant told his new name now, once that he was haunted was Giant-Mark, and the man just laughed. The giant, angry, ripped of the man’s floating ribs, and stuck them in his eyes, leaving the man to say his final words “Where are the reinforcements…?” The older and experienced ninja was on the other side of the castle and while walking, he viewed this incident. “Oops,” he said “I kept my king in a sharp and unnecessary peril once again…”

please reply and correct grammatical errors

[qwertz143]

what please comment i need comments to continue so i need to know what mistakes im making

[Reaper]

First chapter looks mostly fine, though you should try increasing the length a bit. Other than that be sure to have some variety in your wording. For example the passage:

The drunken ninja suddenly got up and walked up to the man. “M…Mm…Master Rudolf…” he said before puking onto the man’s wooden sandals. The man, extremely offended, shoved the drunken ninja against the wall

utilizes the phrase "the man" a little too often. The incomer, the person, the figure... You name it.
In the same part, 'suddenly' doesn't exactly convey the image of a dead drunk person.


The second part leaves a bit more to be desired. First off, you start many of the sentences with 'he', 'he then' and 'then he'. Again, diversity is the key. Master Chief tends to behave a little strange. First he feels like he'd be dying out of boredom and then he suddenly becomes hysterical? Why so? I believe it'd be more of a steady change and not as if you were flipping a switch.
I was quite surprised that the Master Chief knew Peach and the Mushroom Kingdom and is theoretically able to get there with a Warthog. A little background information on this matter would be nice.
Though the reader can guess who the creature is, a more detailed description won't hurt. The megaphone seems slightly out of place btw (Even though the Master Chief is there). On a different note, why does it refer to itself as a little fighter? ('We are now Haunted Little Fighters')
Additionally, the end is currently rather confusing for a number of reasons. For example: Why are his ribs floating? I really liked the last sentence, though.
Anyway, keep on going.

Hmm, looks like I wrote more than the actual story. Kind of reminds me of my poem interpretations from school xD

Don't remind me :P.

[drako]

Your story is fine but you need to explain the introduction part briefly so that each and everyone is clear about what are actually trying to quote. I must say story is quite interesting.