Elias' Stories

[Reaper]

I don't have too much time so expect a rather short reviewe.
Positive:
- somehow funny
- no really strange behaviour of the people
- your story is evolving continuously, means new characters show up and new information( about the war, the land, the watchers etc.) get's revealed step-by-step.

Negative:
- This part consists solely of talking, there are almost no descriptions of the surroundings.
- You still use many "well"'s, "and"'s and "(al)so"'s. It's in general no problem in spoken language, where people tend to use it quite often, but I still think you're overdoing it a bit.
- the girl isn't really surprised at the boy not knowing that a war is going on.

All in all this chapter lacked descriptions, but you improved on some of the other critic points. I expect this to become a rather typical fantasy-story( with the watchers and stuff), but you've got the essential parts of that one in your story, so no problem with that.
Good luck.

[Elias]

Okay here is little bit more.
just a note
When their is a star *, some where below will write a description.
When something written in '(text)' that means thoughts.
"(text)" this is when a person talks.
and when something is Italic[i] that is written in first person.

Spoiler (Click to View)

[i]My head hurt as I laid on the grass in the middle of some place where I have never been before. My head felt as though I had drank ten barrels of beer mixed with vodka. I had no idea who I was, what my name is or my past. I strode up and looked around, it was nightfall and a beautiful one too. I heard a stream running down not far away. A soft breeze was blowing in my direction. I walked towards the rushing sound of water. I wandered for many long hours, I may have lost track of time. I looked up at the sky, I could barley see the moon hiding behind a thick cloak but the outline was assuring me that things would turn out fine. In the east there was bright light and I suddenly tripped and fell, not knowing what had just happened.
'Uh , I have no clue what had happen in the past 5 minuets but I feel like some one beat the crap out of me .' I groaned, sat up-right and looked around. It looked like a forest with lots of trees and mostly what any normal forest would have accept a fox mixed wolf like creature near me and smelling air for a pray, I think. Then that creature growled but it looked like hissed at me and ran away. 'That was really weird, really.' I looked once more around me and I found everything quite strange to me around this place cause there so many thing that I have never saw in my life.I started to walk towards rushing water sound and there I found a waterfall, and glowing blue butterflies flying around a girl. She had long brown mixed with radish color type of hair and a white dress. "Ah, hello, who are you," I asked her but she ran away. 'More aa thirsty, might as well take a sip.' I took my hands and got a handful of water and drank it. "You should be drinking that," a soft voice sade behind the bushes. "Wait can I ask you something." Before I started to chase her she already ran away.
'Guess no reason to go after her.'
"He,he"
"Who's there!?”
Long silence.
'Probably my imagination, well there no reason to stay here better start going.' I started to walk to outside of the forest but it was so big.
'Hmm, should I go to that sign over there or , nah I will just go the sign it might lead me to a city or it can be a warning.'
'Finally reached the sign, man I thought it was closer. It says … what? What the hell does it says there, man its not even English related or any language that I had saw. Walking would be a a good thing to do but man am I hungry.'
So I walked where the sign was pointing.

* * *

So then the boy walked towards the path that lead where he didn't knew where it lead. After a while he reached what looked like a dead end. 'Man I guess I walked here for no reason.' Thought the boy. Then he started to hear really quite footsteps. “Who are you intruder?”
“Huh who's there.”
“I should be asking you that, I am in charge of here.”
“Well I got some bad news for you I have no clue who I am so I'll be leaving now, cya.”
“Such quite words for a young foll.”
“You sound young too you know.”
“Well I guess I have no choice but to kill you, Proeliator of Nex here is your next victim.”
Than I man with black armor, a shield, and a sword came out of the shadows in the forest.'Whoa, this guy looks really tough.' Thought the boy. The warrior charged at the boy. The lad dodged simple by turning 90 degrees. Then he jumped back. The warrior than started to spin, which made it look like a sword tornado. The lad ducked and at the same time spinning with one of his leg trying to trip the man. It worked but the warrior got up really fast and bodied slamed the boy. He started to roll back and got to his feet again and started to ran towards the warrior. Both of them tried to slam each other but the boy was kinda fast so he was able to slide between the warriors legs, and slammed him from behind. The man got to his feet and said, “well done for some one that young but you don't have so much time to life.” At that moment the warrior started to ran towards the boy with his sword towards his head. The boy remained calm. When the man got so near that they could feel each other breaths everything was to quick to be seen. One thing for sure was that some one was dripping blood. The man's face was in shock while the boy's looked calm. The boy was holding the same sword that was about to kill him in the enemies chest. He than drew the sword away and threw it into a tree, and than kicked the man and he fell. “Where are you?”
“Wow, nice job.”
“Now tell me where I am or I'll kill you.”
“Funny.”
“Whats funny that I killed one of your man.”
“You know, you just killed the best swordsman in this area.”
“He didn't look so tough.”
“For real he was tough.”
“I told he didn't seam so tough.”
“To tell you the truth, the two things we do here when one of out best warrior dies , one we kill the killer, two we reward him if he is one of our people.”
“So I guess I'm going to die.”
“You might not die if the blackness will save you, but your chances are slim, so I guess you will d-”
Before the other boy could say anything a black hole appeared near the lad who killed the warrior and he was swallowed.
'Wow, the is hard to believe. He was saved. I guess I'll need to thank him for killing Proeliator of Nex, he was getting on my nerves and he did got the enemy weaker. I wonder why does the blackness come so random, so impracticable. Well I guess I'll go back and scream at the man, this job is so much fun, knowing that you work for one side and can betray it easily which I'm planing to do.

* * *
'Where am I, who am I, where am I from?' “Funny, I'm asking the same questions to you.”
“Who's there?”
“I'm no importance to you.”
“Well do you know who I am?”
“I did said that I have the same questions as you.”
“Well where am I.”
“Well right now your nowhere.”
“Nowhere?”
“Yes, your in darkness which nothing is in here.”
“So, I'm dead?”
“No, your just traveling.”
“Traveling?”
“Well everything in here can't live so it only a place for things to move in and out.”
“Well where was I, or at least where I'm I going?”
“Where you were was a forest by the name Geig, near the the city of Geig, but where you going can't be unlocked for any one.”
“So where is this Geig place.”
“Even if I told you you won't know, but she will tell you most what I was planning to tell you.”
“Wait who is she?”
Then I felt like falling, but instantly I felt...grass.
* * *
“Hello.”
The boy opened his eyes and saw a girl.
“It's you, the girl near the small waterfall.”
“Yeah and you where that boy who I have no clue, sorry that I ran away but I thought you where one of the watchers.”
“Who the hell are a watchers,” and the boy sat up.
“They are just the people who don't like people wandering in there forests, also I didn't got to introduce myself, my name is Lorean, so what's your name.”
“It might sound weird and funny but I have no clue whats my name is.”
“That just sound scary you know not knowing you own name, I'll be terrified most likely.”
“Well for some strange reason I'm not scared, probably because I just killed someone or its just me.”
“Well that's fine to kill a person during war time.”
“What do you mean war time?”
“Well yes there is war right now but its coming to the end and I would be amazed if it ended tomorrow.” so then she looked at the sky, and the boy did the same.
“So there was a war.”
“Correct, its already 54 years old.”
“That's a big number for a war, I never heard of a war that long.”
“That's nothing, some wars have lasted for centuries.”
“You people are nuts.”
“Nuts, do you mean nuts on the trees, I didn't got what you have just said.”
“Well I guess that, you are from another time period than me.” and the boy stood up.
“So what did you meant by nuts, and yes your cloths don't look normal more of the Easterner even though I never saw an Easterner wear those cloths.”
“Well in my time if someone is nuts that means they are crazy, also from where I am these cloths are common among many people and yes I'm an Easterner, well I think so.”
“You look kinda wounded.”
“Oh yeah, I didn't felt it or seen it.”
“Let's go to Geig, you might get healed in their.”
So both of them started walking towards East. For about 30 minuets they walked in silence and the boy looked uncomfortable being near Lorean. Also the boy noticed that Lorean was walking with bear footed.
“Why aren't you wearing any shoes, or anything on you feet.” and so the silence was broken.
“Oh, well first of all its Spring and the grass is soft and I like touching something soft with my feet.”
“Okay, so *long silents* how long is it till we reach Geig.”
“Oh, well probably one or two days, not so far.”
“Yeah I guess you are nuts.”
“Could you please not call me crazy, it hurts so much.”
“Fine, jeash you look so weak.”
“No, I'm just joking.”
“Whatever, so how is this town of Geig, well how does it look like.”
“I won't tell, I just don't want to spoil what it looks like.”
“Okay.”
Both of them walk little bit more and they both could see the sunset. They both looked at the sun which looked like a half circle with pure yellow and read making it look so peaceful and yet some much different what the boy had ever seen.
“Wow,” said the boy in a quite voice.
“Yeah it pretty, it calms my mind every time I look at it, and it helps me forget all the bad things that had happened to me.”
So they both just stood there and stared.
“Hey can I call you some how, like just a name or something like that,” said Lorean
“You mean a nickname.”
“Never heard of that but yeah.”
She looked at him while he still stared at the sunset.
“How about Lally?”
“Ah sounds strange but okay.”
“Good, it kinda fits you.”
Now the couldn't see the sun and Lally turned to Lorean and asked her, “so where are we going to sleep.”
“Well how about here since it much safer to be out here than in the forest were watchers are, and you could sleep near me.”
“Okay the last thing that you said I'll take as a joke.”
“No I meant it.”
“You are so weird,” and Lallya face palmed (yeah the ultimate one (this is not part of the story)).
Lorean than laughed quitley and said, “of course it was a joke, how can a girl like a guy that she just meet couple of hours ago.”
“Yeah I'll take believe that, and you know there is such a thing called 'love in first sight' but I don't believe that.”
“How can you believe something when you said you forgot about your past, and I really like you accent.”
“Well I don't about that.”
So they just laid on the grass and watched the night sky. They looked at it for about 20 minuets in silence.
“It's beautiful,” said Lallya.
“Yeah sure is, well I do see it everyday so it isn't so amazing after you watch it for a long time it gets normal.”
“Final Fantasy.”
Lorean turned and asked, “what's that.”
“I have kinda no clue, the stars reminded me of a song from Final Fantasy VII, I think it was called Opening Bombing Mission*.”
“Well how can stars remind you of that song, it does says bombing and not stars or anything like that.”
“Well in the beginning it has like a star like tune.”
“Oh, so that makes sense.”
“We should get to sleep.”
So they closed their eyes and started to sleep but both of them had something on their mind.
*Opening Bombing Mission is the first song played in Final Fantasy VII when AVAKANCHE attacked one of Shin-Ra's mako reactors.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TM4ANaWfkY&feature=related

Chapter II
part 1
Lorean's thoughts

'I can't sleep with so many questions in my head. I really feel sorry for Lally, its hard to believe that he forgot his memories, but I think he can regain it, he already did some of it. It is still odd to remember a song just by looking at stars, and are there those kinda of songs,* hm * strange. He is still odd even though he did come from a different world. Maybe he'll come with me on my adventure around the world. I should buy him a sword, but I only have 600

EDIT:
And who the hell rated this 3/5.

@Below:
Well Kay I'm not going to write this often so you have sometime, and get faster at reading. Also the new part that I wrote is mostly talking actually its only talking so don't worry about that.
@Everyone:
I'm going to write sometimes what will happen (foreshadowing) and I might need some character profiles, name, type of hair, eye and hair color, cloths, little about him, region that 't he is from (I don't care how you name it well might care but description would be nice) what are his skill/job/ability, etc.
Also some regions that will be in the story will be similar to real ones.

[LutiChris]

awwww u should have waited for me to edit....
i barely even read the 2nd page to it yet...
the grammer and the way u use such sentences is a bit odd to read from my perspective...

[Elias]

Okay I wrote more stuff and some of the first page have been edit by me and friends from school. Just the first page.
Also this part is a little bit interesting, just a little bit because their are a lot of new people, 11 of them, most of them I haven't written about.

Enjoy (Click to View)

Chapter II
part 2
The Organization

Ten figures were siting on chairs that almost looked like thrones. Their were waiting for one more person to come. The man came shortly. “Why were you late Lugarus,” asked one of the man that had deep voice, almost as an aged man. “Sorry, something really interesting happened, something that might change everything that we have seen.”
“Changing the whole future by one event, huh, funny that is, now that you mentioned it I can see the future is all clouded.”
“See.”
“Well what is this event that happened?”
“A person had just 'moved' into our world and one had just died.”
“That's normal Lugar, you should know better, their must be balance as long as there are no wars.”
“Yes I know but the balance doesn't kill another man by sword but by natural means, or just make a person crazy so they kill them self to balance of the world.”
“So are we balanced or not.”
“I think either, it might be a war that is coming up.”
“So you say this magician or a man with high skills transported himself into here and will start a war.” said another man with a lighter voice.
“I'm sorry to disappoint you Saru, I now you like any man with high intellect and I like any beautiful girl and lads that are my age or younger, and that person who came here was a young lad, but I couldn't get any information from him.”
“So who send this boy or how did he get here,” asked Saru.
“Well as I said I couldn't get any information.”
“So you're saying he is defended from getting his mind,” said a fourth man.
“No, he just simply forgotten all his memory.”
“So someone erased it,” asked Saru.
“No, he remembered some 'music' from something he called Final Fantasy.”
“Huh, I heard that name before, but really long time ago, I just can't remember,” said the man in the furthest left.
“That's good, we have some information.”
“So, is he traveling by him self,” asked the first man.
“No, he is traveling with a girl, her name is Lorean, she is not from my area, not sure from which area she is.”
“Well I remember I child named Lorean in Koluras, but she moved when she was four years old, and since then I never heard of her,” said Saru.
“So wise man Maruis (the first man), what will we do now?”
“From now on all of us will have couple of jobs, one is to keep watch of our own area, I'll tell you later but not right now. I must think over all the events that had happened. For now you are all dismissed.”
Now everyone stood except Maruis who was in deep thoughts. Everyone went their way except Lugar and another man who didn't speak during the meeting. “So what did you see Robert,” asked Lugar .
“You really know who's mind to read, don't you Lugar.”
“You are the only one who can see the future the farthest and you did saw something, don't try to lie to me.”
“Well yes I did see an event, an event that I really think will ever happen. It has you in it.”
“So what is it?”
“What I saw was a memorial, or a gravestone of someone and that someone was you Lugar, I could only see your name on the stone. The scenery was green plains, with many colorful flowers, it really looked like a masterpiece of someone who really likes nature, but let me get to the point. A stone with your name on it was on the ground and there came a girl in a blue dress and she carried one flower. She placed the flower on the stone and smiled. She said something that was really interesting and important but the whole scene of that future I can't see for some odd reason. It feels like someone showed me it and that is it. Sorry I would say everything but I just don't know.”
“Don't worry I know you told me everytрing. So basically your saying that I'll become a mortal.”
“Yes, strange, for us to become an mortal. That looks impossible, many tried and many failed.”
“Yes, but who knows, the Five did turn into mortals and still had their power and everything.”
“That is not really true, its a thought, some say they died, other say what you just had. I believe that they are alive, especially after that vision.”
“You mean that you didn't see that but some one showed it to you.”
“Of course, each time I see an event in the future it sticks in my memory, but when someone shows or tells me something I can forget easily even if it is something important.”
“That makes sense, but only time can tell the future.”
“Wait.... I just saw another scene, it is the same one, but there are thirteen people here now, three girls and eight lads. Non of them I have ever seen before.”
“More and more interesting things are happening.”
“Well let's go and see this boy.”
“Oh, and don't call him boy, Lorean gave him a name,Lallya.”
“That sounds very odd, I wonder why she named him that.”
“I don't know we can check them out and maybe find out.”
So both of them walked through a door.

[LutiChris]

rly i need to know more about the characters if u want me to do them...
ugh* reading........hate it when it feels like an obligation :P
but thts life ya know? ummm or did u want me to do them in specific scenery from the story?

[Elias]

Okay fine I'll tell about them.
Lallya (the main character): Age 15
Tall, green eyes, and brown normal hair length. Happy and light heart person. Has a joyful spirit but he is lost in his mind, not knowing who he is, where he is from, or any one who is important to him. Has a funny accent in English (main language in the story). His cloths are sandals, a dark blue shirt (like a long shirt with buttons but this one is short sleeves,) and has dark squared shorts.
Lorean (the girl): Age 16
Almost tall as Lallya, and has blue eyes. She has a beautiful face, and long brownish hair. She is very happy and kind. Wonders around the world since age 7. She has a short white dress, and no shoes. Right now she just travels with Lallya.
That is all for now.