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05-26-2011, 07:25 PM
So hold on. Master Chief/Halo, Mushroom Kingdom/Peach/Mario, and Sauron/LotR in one paragraph? Well, this is going to be interesting....
Also, I have not fully understood how this is related to "Haunted Little Fighter". Hope this will clear up soon, considering that the length of the prologue could certainly be a tad more elaborate.
As for the way of writing, try to avoid slang-like terms.
• He was riding stylishly
Except for a little smirk from the reader, this is not helping in building up any imagery. How do you ride "stylishly" on a buggy? Steering with the help of your feet while pushing the pedals with your forehead? I really cannot think of anything that would properly fit in here.
• caught in some sort of dark illusion
"Some sort" is really not describing a whole lot. Write about what happens, how you can tell that this is, in fact, a dark illusion. I could apply the same to the term "dark illusion" as well, but I guess, you get the point already.
• "What the"
Only use repititions when you know what you're doing. They're a nice stylistic figure that help bringing one's point accross, but in this context, starting two, almost consecutive, sentences with the same phrase (which also goes rather into the slang-category than the literary area) is not beneficial for adding value to the story.
• a foggy silhouette of despair
Quite a nice metaphor. First time I read that combination. However, it does not make up for anything. When you write, always think about what you want the reader to think of while reading your story. And, quite frankly, the reason I have not seen this combination before is because I cannot imagine anything that would make the two fitting together. How does despair look like? Or rather, how would it look like veiled in fog? Be careful when choosing stylistic devices; when you know what you're doing, you can achieve some great effects, but when you just wish to put it in there for the sake of having some, it'll backfire.
Hmm, looks like I wrote more than the actual story. Kind of reminds me of my poem interpretations from school xD
Either way, hope you'll keep those points in mind when continuing.gif ";)")
Also, I have not fully understood how this is related to "Haunted Little Fighter". Hope this will clear up soon, considering that the length of the prologue could certainly be a tad more elaborate.
As for the way of writing, try to avoid slang-like terms.
• He was riding stylishly
Except for a little smirk from the reader, this is not helping in building up any imagery. How do you ride "stylishly" on a buggy? Steering with the help of your feet while pushing the pedals with your forehead? I really cannot think of anything that would properly fit in here.
• caught in some sort of dark illusion
"Some sort" is really not describing a whole lot. Write about what happens, how you can tell that this is, in fact, a dark illusion. I could apply the same to the term "dark illusion" as well, but I guess, you get the point already.
• "What the"
Only use repititions when you know what you're doing. They're a nice stylistic figure that help bringing one's point accross, but in this context, starting two, almost consecutive, sentences with the same phrase (which also goes rather into the slang-category than the literary area) is not beneficial for adding value to the story.
• a foggy silhouette of despair
Quite a nice metaphor. First time I read that combination. However, it does not make up for anything. When you write, always think about what you want the reader to think of while reading your story. And, quite frankly, the reason I have not seen this combination before is because I cannot imagine anything that would make the two fitting together. How does despair look like? Or rather, how would it look like veiled in fog? Be careful when choosing stylistic devices; when you know what you're doing, you can achieve some great effects, but when you just wish to put it in there for the sake of having some, it'll backfire.
Hmm, looks like I wrote more than the actual story. Kind of reminds me of my poem interpretations from school xD
Either way, hope you'll keep those points in mind when continuing
Silverthorn / Blue Phoenix
~ Breaking LFE since 2008 ~
"Freeze, you're under vrest!" - Mark, probably.
» Gallery | » Sprites | » DeviantArt
~ Breaking LFE since 2008 ~
"Freeze, you're under vrest!" - Mark, probably.
» Gallery | » Sprites | » DeviantArt