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12-21-2009, 06:33 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-21-2009, 07:30 PM by Silverthorn.)
Lol, I just wanted to write that you could make it a bit longer when I read:
Whats bugging me most about your story is that one event follows the next one. fire-->food-->light-->sleep-->food-->buildings. I think the problem is that you are using "after" so often which makes your story sound like a series of events.
Stylistically the biggest problem is that you repeat words too often. Though I haven't counted the "and"s and "but"s, "it's over 9000!" would nearly fit here.( See, if I use though, I don't have to say: I haven't counted..., but). There are some other examples, like "energy". There is a comma before but by the way.
Nevertheless, the story has some kind of potential.( somehow nearly every writer in this forum has good ideas, just writing them down seems a bit more difficult. For me its the other way round
) But don't forget not to make something overpowered like Manji killing a legion of demons. That makes a story implausible.
Why am I commenting every story btw?
Because you're TEH comment0r! ~ Blue Phoenix
Quote:and I know its really long.Well, I think its rather too short. I mean, you had at least two days( for both, so its like 4 days in a one-maincharacter-story). And, as the prologue/summary says, they came from another world. Nevertheless we neither get to know anything about that world nor they are really wondering about it. You have written just one sentence about their astonishment: ""where in the world am I and who was I?" In my eyes thats not enough. But I think I told it to you already.
Whats bugging me most about your story is that one event follows the next one. fire-->food-->light-->sleep-->food-->buildings. I think the problem is that you are using "after" so often which makes your story sound like a series of events.
Stylistically the biggest problem is that you repeat words too often. Though I haven't counted the "and"s and "but"s, "it's over 9000!" would nearly fit here.( See, if I use though, I don't have to say: I haven't counted..., but). There are some other examples, like "energy". There is a comma before but by the way.
Nevertheless, the story has some kind of potential.( somehow nearly every writer in this forum has good ideas, just writing them down seems a bit more difficult. For me its the other way round
) But don't forget not to make something overpowered like Manji killing a legion of demons. That makes a story implausible.Why am I commenting every story btw?
Because you're TEH comment0r! ~ Blue Phoenix