Contest #9: Writing challenge

[Taniaetc]

I'd try my best to criticise.
@Reaper: Your story's plot is followable and quite descriptive, and short, unlike mine WHICH IS LIKE OVER 9000 1000 WORDS. The only bad thing's that there's some misspelling and maybe grammar issues, but they're not much.
@Magnamancy: OMG you'll win for sure. Awesome writing style. Nice paragraph use, but like Reaper's its spelling & grammar needs to be fixed as well.
@Phil: Short and 333 words? Alright, it's short and simple (your slogan: KISS - keep it short and simple), but rather descriptive. btw you'd need to edit the story again... GRAMMAR.
btw my dad said that my story's grammar score is 77%?! WTN?
edit @below: What The Neat (my new slogan... lol)