Chat
Discord
07-22-2010, 11:43 AM
The first part is very nice, somehow. A bit pathetic from time to time (I'm not talking about the first few sentences, I really like those), but nice nonetheless. A little grammar error: ...and ruling it with a savage dictatorship.
The second part would be good standing alone, but it just doesn't really befit the first one. First of all, it's somewhere between humorous and zynic (China) instead of dark and pathetic. Second of all, you've described Julian as the universal evil but here he seems to be just an evil, the evil of this conflict. China is just so small compared to the universe...
tl;dr: Good story, but try to more or less stick to a special style for the story. Some parts can be more funny, some can be rather dark, but the reader should feel them as a whole.
The second part would be good standing alone, but it just doesn't really befit the first one. First of all, it's somewhere between humorous and zynic (China) instead of dark and pathetic. Second of all, you've described Julian as the universal evil but here he seems to be just an evil, the evil of this conflict. China is just so small compared to the universe...
tl;dr: Good story, but try to more or less stick to a special style for the story. Some parts can be more funny, some can be rather dark, but the reader should feel them as a whole.