Chat
Discord
07-22-2010, 12:06 PM
I ain't gonna talk about those little mistakes as I think oliveryungo named most of them (although I don't see some of them as mistakes. "loud Crash" for example is a pleonasm^^) except maybe for "tall cathedral". A cathedral might be huge, but only living beings are tall.
Despite some slightly weird description, the overall descriptions are very nice.You know, I always put a lot of emphasis on imaginability. And I can imagine the event pretty well.
What you could do is increasing the length of the last paragraph a bit. There isn't much happening in the beginning and you want to leave the reader in the dark about those black-clothed people, so the length there is ok. In the last paragraph, however, the events follow in quick succession. On the other hand, the brevity gives a good impression of getting him back and loosing him that fast. Your decision.
All in all a nice story. A very nice one if you fix the little mistakes. But there is a big thing that needs a change: This isn't a story. This is a prologue. And it needs moar chapters!!!
Despite some slightly weird description, the overall descriptions are very nice.You know, I always put a lot of emphasis on imaginability. And I can imagine the event pretty well.
What you could do is increasing the length of the last paragraph a bit. There isn't much happening in the beginning and you want to leave the reader in the dark about those black-clothed people, so the length there is ok. In the last paragraph, however, the events follow in quick succession. On the other hand, the brevity gives a good impression of getting him back and loosing him that fast. Your decision.
All in all a nice story. A very nice one if you fix the little mistakes. But there is a big thing that needs a change: This isn't a story. This is a prologue. And it needs moar chapters!!!