Everybody's crime [discussion]

[Lauli]

Name: Laurenz "Lauli" (whichever you prefer, storywise. Either formal, or informal)
Allignment: Detective Office
Appearance: White shirt, black tie, dark jeans. Brown, middle-long (?) hair, glasses. (There's a photo of me in the real-life-pics-thread for more details)
Personality: Motivated.
Description: I only want a short cameo-appearance, either the in the beginning, or in the middle. If possible don't use my name, but more like... trademarks (?). Like, when I talk, I use "fresh" and all that.

[Zabobula]

Name: Z
Allignment: Underground Society
Appearance: (obvious)
Personality: The 'ultimate opportunist' type. He only takes action only when it suits him best or if he will benefit from it.
Description: Z is a special agent in the Underground Society who encounters the main protagonist on several occasions. He works for the Society but he leaks information to the protagonist only when certain conditions are met by the main protagonist.
Special parts (this is for police and underground society only, describes which status you want to have in the groups)

Correct me if I'm wrong but the protagonist is trying to get (capture? defeat?) his father for crimes he commited and the police are getting in the way of you trying to get him. So kinda rogish Max Paynish type deal?

The Lost Global Mod edited this post 09-12-2010 09:06 AM because:

yea, combined with my ironic style of writing i think this is going to get fun

[blow_fly98]

"CAN I HAZ SUGAR?" <- hilarious
The first paragraph was interesting - starting off with an analysis of the human soul and morales.
BTW next time you have dialogue make sure you have a new line after every speaker after the first one speaks. Makes it easier to read.

Dang i posted this in the Story thread.

v No i meant I posted this in the Story thread so I had to move it here.

The Lost Global Mod edited this post 09-12-2010 11:03 AM because:

nah its fine its the discussion thread now

[Divisor]

It's allright, Blow...this is the discussion thread nao.
Nevermind.

Aaanyway...
I like your style: the 1st paragraph (where you reflected on the humanity and used it to introduce your plot) was great. The rest was also good, the first person narrator is perfect for this kind of story.

What bothered me though, was the following:
-Some sentences could use a simpler structure:

I have read a book about how small differences in our daily schedule gives a forecast that the implied day bares great changes in our life.

-Avoid repeating the same words:

I didn’t believe in it, I was even thinking about burning the book. I was thinking about how the flames would engulf the book filled with nonsense as something disturbed my thoughts.

-What Blow said about dialogues.

Also

Only remembering the name of my master already reminded me on his first rule “Never say my name, that’s no fresh thinking”

I see what you did there

[SirisRhazael]

I agree with Divisor... partly. Not about that "repeating the same words" - true, it might disadvantage the whole paragraph, but it can also work opposite.
BTW, sometimes it's a serious problem with looking for similar words just not to repeat another.

And, really, use these structures less.

I have read a book about how small differences in our daily schedule gives a forecast that the implied day bares great changes in our life.

Not so many users/visitors know English so good to understand this type of sentences. It might be problematic.

Simple is the best.

Otherwise, really, really good start for a criminal story.

[DevilHunter]

A nice one Indeed. Your first person style matches Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories. Keep it up.

And, really, use these structures less.

I have read a book about how small differences in our daily schedule gives a forecast that the implied day bares great changes in our life.

Not so many users/visitors know English so good to understand this type of sentences. It might be problematic.
Simple is the best.

And I may be wrong but it's not such an unusual sentence structure to be avoided. These type of sentences carry a classical touch. Though modern English writers will definitely kick me for this.

[Zabobula]

Very detailed intro. It makes me think of Sin City the way you wrote it. That's saying the least....and that's not saying it was bad. It was good. I am AMUSED HARHAR!

Can't wait for next chap.

[LutiChris]

Can i add a 2nd person to the story?
if it's not too much work for ya...

The Lost Global Mod edited this post 09-13-2010 10:57 AM because:

hm... not at this point.. I am having some difficulties to implement most of the chars already. I will pm you if i need another char

[Magnamancy]

I got time to read it. ^^

It's pretty good, the english is a bit abstract but that's just your style. Using
paragraphs to separate key things is perfectly fine, but you can break up the
continuous story bits with paragraphs too, it makes it easier to read.

Aside from what others mentioned and Phil calling Alchez 'my dear boy' about
30 seconds after agreeing to teach him (where probably 'my boy', or indeed
'boy' would seem more natural I think) I enjoyed reading it.

Good luck.

Edit: ... Thanks BP. ^^;

Silverthorn edited this post 09-14-2010 11:11 AM because:

"my dear boy" has a different meaning in other languages. For example, it can also (in a sarcastic way) have this "actually, I don't like you at all"-tone.

[Divisor]

Hmmm...don't tell me you have already forgotten about this, Phil.
I hope you are not the type to give up so easily