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MnM · (This post was last modified: 01-16-2011, 03:41 PM by MnM.)

Reaper · (This post was last modified: 12-04-2010, 04:01 PM by Reaper.)

5 o'clock in the morning and everybody is working? My god, that's a nightmare

It would really be a good idea to decide upon a theme. Otherwise your story might just go a bit this way and a bit that way. Remember, you want to get people hooked to your story. Also, quite some people like to know what they are at.
Not much more I can say up to now. Let's see how this is evolving.
Btw: Remember to write "I", not "i".

MnM · 12-10-2010, 12:35 PM

It's gonna be adventurous. Finally !! decided!!.

MnM · (This post was last modified: 01-16-2011, 03:42 PM by MnM.)

[spoiler

itch Black] Pitch Black
Chapter 2

After a five minute walk, we arrived to the play ground. Usually we do the same: Go to sitting bench, Drop your things and then go have fun. Yeah today we did the same.
My friends Navneeth, Steve, Mani, Albert are really a good players. Am a bit fat( not too though just some depositions in thigh and butt makes me feel so) but my mom used to
say to me that "you are not fat my child, u are good looking". I know, That those were the words of comfort. So, i don't bother it.

We started playing."common Aaro pass the ball here!" bellowed Nav. I passed him the ball. He made 3-points shoot. Which boosted our score. Yeah he is tall so it's easy for
him to do. Suddenly, it started getting dark. We didn't know why. Since we know it might usually rain, we brought our jerkins and umbrellas. We continued as if nothing
happened. Zhhhhhhhheewwwwww..... A portal opened behind my back. Pitch dark. Suddenly, a green, thin, numb hand picked me up and dragged me inside.

I couldn't see a thing. It was as if in a dream. I just could feel that numb hand clutching my shoulder. It nearly broke my shoulder. Then Suddenly it ended with an opening. It was bright, yellow bright. I was thrown in what it felt was a carpet. ----I laid there unconscious---.

[/spoiler]

Reaper · 12-22-2010, 03:51 PM

Much better already. A cliffhanger is always nice to have at the end of a chapter (Well, maybe not after every chapter or it will also become repetitive :P)
However, you should try to make the chapters a bit longer. as usual, descriptions, feelings (fear maybe?) etc.
Other than that: Brackets. You may actually use them - in the first part it's fine - but not for things essential for understanding the text "it (the portal)" is something you should avoid.
Anyway, your on your way. Try to make the chapters a bit longer and read through them again on the next day if you don't do that already and it will be fine.

MnM · 12-23-2010, 05:11 PM

Atleast Reaper, you are giving life to this.

I made a big one this time..:

Gragon and The Mentor
Chapter 3

"Why did u pick him up here brother! Father told not to do so, it would mean danger to him and to us!".

"Shhhh.. Alsindra, don't worry my sister. There is no problem with it. Brother knows what to do"

"hmph.. Since when u know what to do Sko!"

"Silence.. He is waking up!" Sko breathed to Alsindra.

I slowly opened my eyes. My eyes were watering and things were appearing blurred in front of my eyes. I thought maybe 10,000 years travel-back-in-time caused it. It was not less than the truth..

I saw, two young people of my age standing there eying me eagerly. They both had straw coloured hair with gleaming brown eyes which pierced my eyes much more.

"Where.. Am..I" I asked. It was almost a great attempt to ask it. Maybe i might have screamed while i was dragged over here...

"you are safe Aaron brother"said Sko in an encouraging voice.

"You know my name!!" I fought my throat and shouted up to what i can.I almost tried to sit up. It was a fail.

"Calm down brother Aaron" Sko helped me back to the cotton bed or it was a straw bed which i was lying on.

"Who.. WHO..WHO!! the hell you both are? U both dragged me here? Where am I. No, don't do anything to me.. no.." I almost cried.

"No, no, brother, we won't harm you. You will know why you are here in a short while. Just stay calm."

I saw that pretty cute girl standing next to him. That.. what? yeah.. that Alsindra girl.She, gave me a brief smile. I returned her one.

"You pulled me to this place?"I asked to Sko who was eying me crookedly.

"Yeah yeah.." He answered as if I broke him from a deep thought.

"Then my friends could have watched you pulling me over this weird place...".

"This is not a weird place Aaron brother. And, about your friends, we modified their memories..".

"Modified what?".

"Memories my brother". He answer politely.

"Gah.. You guys are weird!. How could one possibly modify other's memory!? Am totally confu- Uh-uh-uh -Fetch me some water!!" My throat went dry.Within a fraction of second he was near me handing me water with what it seemed was pot. I gulped it spilling water all over me. The water tasted different. It was as if some ingredients were added to it which made it sweeter and cozy to throat.

"Alsindra, go and inform father about Aaron brother."

"OK". She nodded on dismissal.

"Now, can you explain me where the heck am i?" I demanded to Sko.

"Heck?" He questioned me.

"yeah, Heck!"

"you are in the palace of Juvenescent in the world of Juvenile."

"The world of what?"

"Juvenile, brother.. it means Young, you know that.."

"yeah i know, but it is some thing weird.. Why would I be here?"

"No brother, i can't tell you everything. It's considered treason.."

"Oh man, common.."

The room came clearly to my vision now. It was dimly lit by the torch placed at a corner and there were no other light source except the door. I thought I was

We heard soft foot steps heading towards the basement. About three people were heading. We also heard scratching of metals

Through the door came three young people. Two of them wearing armors and one wearing crown and a Black cape touching the ground.

"Hello, Aaron" The one with the crown greeted me with some sort of bow which I don't know. At the least he didn't call me brother.

"Hello.." I replied to him politely cause he sounded commanding and authoritative.

"Welcome to the world of Juvenile. I am Juvenescent, the king of this world for the past hundred years. People have accepted me as king and wish to continue the same" . It took me a while to get what he told. But i managed. "Oh" i replied surprised.

"You are here for a purpose Aaron". He shot a look at the others standing in the room. They went away with that different kind of bow. I captured a glimpse of it its is nothing but just cross your legs with each other and bend forwards turning right side. It looked funny, but I thought it would be useful when I have to use it.

"Aaron," He continued when they were out of ear-shot."Our world is in a great danger. Many evil forces are being sent by the most infamous Gragon. Yeah, he is the leader of that evil force. A terror looking creature. With nostrils, Razor sharp teeth, claws, green with extra-ordinary muscles. He has killed the king who ruled this place before me.I some how managed to protect our empire by my powers. I was also like u Aaron, but i am losing my powers. Once, one rule for more than 90 years he loses his power. That's the reason you are here now. Yeah, you are the one to stop that Gragon".

"But. but.. Why me? Not some one else?!!" I exclaimed.

"Aaron, sorry to say that, I don't know the reason. It is said by our mentor. He is the one who taught every king who ruled this world for ages. And, he will be the one to teach you Aaron. He has got many powers which no one will no. Everyone in this world has their own power. And, I have got the power to control feelings and many more. You get one power for each and every stages of advancement. It is believed that you, will possess every power. And, so you are here." And, with his final bow he went leaving me hopeless.

Reaper · (This post was last modified: 12-26-2010, 01:19 PM by Reaper.)

Now, that's a good length for a chapter. Proper use of descriptions this time as well.
There are some grammar errors and a few little things that don't feel quite right, but that is mostly a matter of practice. Apart from that, I find it easier to lean back and imagine the scene ( maybe even from various character's perspectives) before I start writing. It helps me to get the right feeling into the story. Well, everyone has his own approach to it.
You may always argue wether the plot of a young guy having to defeat the evil demon is original, but there are various reasons why it's so popular and why it is valid to write another of those stories. Even if you leave out that fact that the basic plot doesn't determine the whole story :P
I have to say, I didn't expect that fast improvements. Well done.

MnM · 12-26-2010, 03:14 PM

(12-26-2010, 01:18 PM)Reaper Wrote: You may always argue wether the plot of a young guy having to defeat the evil demon is original, but there are various reasons why it's so popular and why it is valid to write another of those stories. Even if you leave out that fact that the basic plot doesn't determine the whole story :P
I have to say, I didn't expect that fast improvements. Well done.

Could u make it a more simple explanation? Cause i couldn't understand it..

Reaper edited this post 12-26-2010 04:20 PM because:

Sorry. What I mean is that some people say: Oh, another young guy who is sent to defeat some kind of evil creature. But I think that it's totally fine.

MnM · (This post was last modified: 01-16-2011, 03:44 PM by MnM.)

Ok, Chapter 3 (Under progress) Is out.

Divisor · 01-16-2011, 03:53 PM

How is a chapter "under progress" and "out" at the same time?

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Poll: which theme is considered for newbie like me. PUBLIC POLE AND NO MULTI CHOISE! You do not have permission to vote in this poll.
adventure	33.33%	5	33.33%
detective	0%	0	0%
magical	33.33%	5	33.33%
mystery	20.00%	3	20.00%
school and other stuff ( dont want this much)	13.33%	2	13.33%
Total		15 vote(s)	100%