Little Fighter : Davis Chronicles

[Gespenst]

Chapter 1 “Summer Vacation“ (Click to View)

Begining of the summer. A tiny road, a car is driving. Mountains can be seen in the background.

-INSIDE THE CAR-
A family of 4 is sitting in it. Everyone seems to be happy. A close up of a boy, his name is Davis, he is 8 years old. Next to him is sitting his younger brother, Daniel, who is a 7 years. In the front of the car Davis father is driving and mother sitting next to his father.

MOTHER
Boys, are you excited?
DAVIS and DANIEL
Sure we are!!!

Boys shout and raise their fist. Everyone laughs.

-AT THE OLD HOUSE-
Car arrives, everyone leaves the car.

A man is standing infront of the house. He is smilling. Davis and Daniel standing with serious facial expressions. Their Mother approaches the man. Dad takes out the bags.

MOTHER
Long time no see, uncle Hao.
HAO
Long time no see indeed. You‘ve grown into a fine woman.
MOTHER
Oh stop it. *Blushes* .These two are my boys, Davis and Daniel. Boys say hi, don‘t be shy.

Boys seems to be shy.

DAVIS and DANIEL
Um..Nice to meet you Mister Hao.

Mom crouches and hugs them and says.

MOTHER
Well, this is goodbye for now. Be a good boys and listen to the uncle Hao. Will see you at the end of the summer. We will call you whenever we can.

Mom seems to look like she will start having tears in her eyes. Boys are standing nearby Hao, their father approaches them, crouches, extends his arm and boys fist bumps their father.

FATHER
Stay strong boys and take care one after another.
DAVIS and DANIEL
Yes, Daddy.
FATHER
Thank you for this.
HAO
No problem. Boys are in good hands.

Mother and Father walks towards the car. Mother is waving at them and Father is showing his fist with a huge smile on his face and winks his eye. Boys waves at them and seems to have some tears in their eyes. As the car drives away, Daniel starts running after the car but trips and falls down. Davis is next to him helping to get up. Both boys standing and looking as the car goes away. Hao looks concerned.

concept art (Click to View)

From the left to right. Davis, Daniel, Mother, Father, Hao and car sketch

[Silverthorn]

Interesting, I'd like to see more! The way you're writing reminds me of screenplays or dramatic scripts. For ease of reading, I suggest adapting them; after all they haven't really changed much since Shakespeare (click, click, and click). With a defined style, you'll also have less trouble defining what should be italicized and what not.

Also, in terms of consistency, is the young boy called "Daniel" or "Daniels"? I've seen both versions several times in this chapter.

Not particularly grammar-thing but something I'd like to point out:

Davis and Daniels also has this serious look. Their Mother confronts the man.

I haven't really gotten the picture what the first sentence is supposed to tell me. Also, the second sentence seems to prepare something quite dramatic (definition of "to confront": to face in hostility or defiance; oppose). Doesn't quite seem to fit there. Also, Hao hasn't been described all too much yet. I'm picky, I know

Nice idea with the sketches scattered inbetween. Are you going to keep this up? Or, even better, switch to pencil and paper... because your strongpoint is definitely with traditional media

Keep it up!

[Gespenst]

Interesting, I'd like to see more!

I will make more. I am planning to make more. New chapter every week, unless I will be busy and will have to do some other stuff.
The boy name is Daniel.

Also, Hao hasn't been described all too much yet. I'm picky, I know

I have not introducted Hao yet, just showed that there is a man. I am not used to writting very detailed stuff yet, mostly what I've been trying to write is a comic scripts for myself in which I don't realy write much stuff about character unless it's a dialogue or monologue. I like keep most of the things in my head, which is maybe not realy good actualy but saves some time. Also drawing is the main thing when it comes to comics.
It's okey to be picky

Nice idea with the sketches scattered inbetween. Are you going to keep this up? Or, even better, switch to pencil and paper... because your strongpoint is definitely with traditional media

Thank you. I will switch to pencil and replace current ones.


Notes taken.