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Macrome the Gremlin
#1
Ok, here is my first story Enjoy :)

[spoiler=PROLOGUE]
There have been many weird acts in LF2 World. One that caused the trouble and one who will help bring peace back to the LF World.
Characters (Click to View)
(Don’t worry, I will update this Prologue as soon as I get this story down straight in my head)
[/spoiler]

CHAPTER 1 (Click to View)
CHAPTER 2 (Click to View)
CHAPTER 3 (Click to View)
CHAPTER 4 (Click to View)
A sequence of variables thatre engraved since the beginning of the cosmos is responsible for animating things in reality
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#2
first of all welcome in the world of stories where you can let your creativity explode
now let me comment your story in detail

things you should improve
  • Grammar.. (here and there are few mistakes f.e "Shouted" shouldn't be with captial letters)
  • text length (atm it is okay.. but for an really good and thrilling story.. you have to write more ; ) )
  • Prologue is missing ( it isn't essential. still would be good if you add one, though)

things that i like
  • julian isn't shown as an bad guy..
  • its an story about lf2 but somehow has an higher meaning .. not only fighting ( i hope it continues this way)

summary
All in all a good, first attempt but you still have alot room for improvment.
Try to improve, take notes(what the story is about, keywords), search for some "beta" tester for your story ;)
generally follow this advices and your story will ways better.

Cool guy Wrote:Some hints for rising writers:

* Write down what your story is about, you don't have to be excact just some keywords ( you don't will get lost)
* Write your story in an text programm like word or similar
* Before posting, check your spelling, nothing is more embarrasing than a stupid mistake Smile2
* Take comments serious, even if they hurt you sometimes , they will help you improve
* No master has fallen from the heaven.. not even in case of writing. its practice (you will get alot better if you write alot)
[sig placeholder until my new sig is finished]
should totally allow people to be all trolley on their birthday :D
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#3
nice story explains the reality of the lf2 chars....needs a better intro.
"I'm the president of the shadow government
The grand governor of the federal reserve
Public enemy of the society
The one you cannot see the thirty three degree"
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#4
@just_a_phil
thanks, i will work on it
also Julian is not the bad guy, i will show it later in the story... ;)
For a Prologue...? ummm - at the moment i'm kinda making this up as i go along
@prince_freeza
By the way this was like totally random on the top of my head, i just wanted to do this for fun! :D
I will edit intro later in school (when i have the time) :)
A sequence of variables thatre engraved since the beginning of the cosmos is responsible for animating things in reality
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#5
This is good, not awesome but much better what I made up.
You should make more stories like that and if you want some help just call, e-mail, or come to my house okay.
Also I don't care who is the bad guy because loots of time I like the bad guy like Joker, and Itachi.
I am back, not really.
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#6
(05-23-2009, 02:14 AM)Eliast Wrote:  This is good, not awesome but much better what I made up.
You should make more stories like that and if you want some help just call, e-mail, or come to my house okay.
Also I don't care who is the bad guy because loots of time I like the bad guy like Joker, and Itachi.

@ Eliast
To be honest your not that good at Stories Eliast, but i will email you on idea's, ok?

@Everyone
Right now i'm on a string
I want to work on LutiChris char and work on this Story...
I don't really know what to do so everyone pm me on what to do next for each chapter...
If not then each chapter might take longer...
A sequence of variables thatre engraved since the beginning of the cosmos is responsible for animating things in reality
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#7
i'm like this too
i need to work on a bg
my story
kenzo
and school
this is hard
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#8
(05-27-2009, 04:11 PM)Lf2-hacker Wrote:  i'm like this too
i need to work on a bg
my story
kenzo
and school
this is hard

WHat?
all you said is that you like it?
ummm so why did you mention your personal other stuff
(that has like - absolutely nothing to do with this, lolz?)
A sequence of variables thatre engraved since the beginning of the cosmos is responsible for animating things in reality
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#9
Guess LF2-hacker is kinda answering to this:
Quote:I want to work on LutiChris char and work on this Story...

Anyway, I quite like your story, its interesting to read because you have no idea how it will go on. On the other hand that makes it hard to give you ideas for how its going on as I think you probably have a general idea of why it is happening, what Julian wants, what Macrome does...
And I also like things like this in a story:
Quote:“sh*t!” Dennis was suddenly airborne high in the sky just like when he falling f a l l i n g… - oh no, it was happening again.
There are some minor mistakes, especially with... how are they called? Don't even know the german name... conjunctors?
what I mean is things like:
Quote:And as soon as he was quick he was never the less right.
That means: When he became quick, he was right. But you probably mean "although". He was quick, but that didn't help him to escape. Oh, and its nevertheless.
Well, that isn't that important, if you only make some minor mistakes( which is the case) we normally won't have a problem to follow.
Like just_a_phil said, chapters are a bit too short, but as some people might not want to read extra long chapters I guess its ok.
So keep on working and improving. Its a good start up to now.
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#10
Thanks, I think i might have reworded some stuff wrong (as well as what i'm saying as well, lolz)
A sequence of variables thatre engraved since the beginning of the cosmos is responsible for animating things in reality
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