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Deadly past
#1
No words.. lets just get started.

Prologue
The moon was shining on the leaves of a cherry-tree. It was a silent night. No movement. No sound. Not even a little breeze. Without making any noise, a man entered the woods. He was wearing a big hat which hid his eyes and made it hard to see his face.

A katana was hanging on the left side of his belt. His left hand was always centimeters above the katana, ready to use. The way he followed leaded to the next town. He had passed the woods and was now looking up to the sky. The moon was still shining and the stars were glowing. It was revealing the secret he was hiding.

A big scarf on his left cheek interfered with his in other respects perfect face. He continued his walk in the same speed as before. Few minutes later he stopped again, looking at a signpost. It said Sakai.

The man took a small piece of paper out of his robe. He looked at it and then looked at the signpost again. Then he continues his way. A few meters after the signpost, lights showed up. It’s the city he was searching for. He now moves a little bit faster and his hand clutches the handle of his katana.

For him it was like entering a new world. A world he would leave behind if he could. He was looking around when a girl caught his attention. He quickly took out the paper again and looked at it. His eyes widened. The girl was walking right into a dark alley. He quickly followed her.

After few meters the girl realized that the alley turned out to be a blind alley. But it was already too late. The man was running in her direction, pulling out his sword. The girls eyes widened and she was unable to move. The man jumped in front of her, pointing the tip of his sword at her throat. “Now you are going to die”.


Enjoy and plz comment and criticize as much as you can (don't hold back, let everything out :p) Do what you would expect from me to do :D
[sig placeholder until my new sig is finished]
should totally allow people to be all trolley on their birthday :D
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#2
Yay, phil is back. Now we will get some wonderful stories to read.
Somehow everybody is posting his stories atm. I can't start with my new char because I read so much :D.
So what can I say? Its a very nice beginning, I can imagine the world around them very good... You made some mistakes with the tenses( you sometimes used simple past) and you used "the moon" as a beginning for a sentence twice without another beginning between them( and three times "The")... But its very easy to read so I don't care that much.
Quick! Go on. I want to read the first chapter! :D
Btw. lol I thought you wanted to write in present tense. And laughed at "lol she is going to die"
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#3
~fixed :D
thank you for your lovely comment..
actually i started the story a while ago.. but i just finished the prologue (took a break from it) :p
ofc i am going to continue.
[sig placeholder until my new sig is finished]
should totally allow people to be all trolley on their birthday :D
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#4
Yea, the tense-mistakes are really annoying. Assuming that you write in the past tense, you should check things like "A katana is hanging".
Also, just for example, check the past-tense from "to hide". It's definitely not "big hat which hided his eyes". There was another one like that but I forgot where it was :P

Other than that; the plot sounds really promising (esp. because I know what comes next =P), keep going :)
Silverthorn / Blue Phoenix
~ Breaking LFE since 2008 ~

"Freeze, you're under vrest!" - Mark, probably.

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#5
it nearly killed me to see a sentence like
ENJOY!!! XD
after this dramatic scene
come on you could just write more and i wouldn't be so exited ._.
good story
he is some sort of bounty hunter or he has personal traits
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#6
Uhm...
One thing is that the characters aren't that interesting. Actually I'm not, sadly, caught by the story at all. I'm not sure why... Everything just seems so "cold". Probably because you can't "see their faces" by reading the story, or you don't know the characters at all so you don't really care about who dies. Otherwise, good. It has a good atmosphere and you can really "see" the surroundings.

EDIT: I gave in to your ad.
EDIT2@v: Hmm... That forces me to read more in order to be pleased, doesn't it?

TITLE: a idea
make cave for bear?
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#7
it will get more emotional and hopefully more "interesting". An prologue isn't supposed to tell everything about the chars at all .. chapter one will be like boom.. there will be an huge block of information (i at least plan it that way.. )
[sig placeholder until my new sig is finished]
should totally allow people to be all trolley on their birthday :D
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#8
That guy is some kind of mad killer?
Well... I don't like when killers are killing the young girls, but the story is good!:D
Keep going, you are good...
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#9
Lots of details about the guy.
Can you tell about the girl a little because everybody will have a different picture.
The story is GOOD!!!!
Me like it a lot.
I am back, not really.
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#10
(06-14-2009, 02:47 PM)Blue Phoenix Wrote:  There was another one like that but I forgot where it was :P

leaded -> led

(06-14-2009, 02:47 PM)Blue Phoenix Wrote:  Other than that; the plot sounds really promising

ditto.

i keep imagining a proper video clip trailer thingy with this.



Azriel~
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